Proposal

Assalamualaikum.

Being a girl, or a lady or a woman is already tough enough. Sometimes, I don't even know what I am thinking about, never thinking simple, always go for the complex things. I hate that. In my life, I only had one brother. A young brother, who is now 19 years old. I adore him from the start because he is always the calmest and always the one who speak less, and never is demanding in whatever he wants. Not very ambitious side of him is the most I like about my brother. And also the fact that he looks older than me. That's the yey part!

Now in college, and already in the adolescent phase of human girth and growing process, I see a lot of things as more complex as it is. I don't quite have best friends, and let me tell you that most of the time, only Guy friends called me via the phone. I have girlfriends, but we rarely contact. Somehow or rather, I treat my guy friends unequally. Some of them I can like be myself, talk non stop to them, like nothing to worry, but some of the others, I tried to become timid, silent and just talk what is necessary. 

 

One day, when a guy friend, posted a wallpost on FB, joking around telling me he saw me danced while he was watching a Hindustan movie, freaked the hell out of me. How did I take care of my ikhtilat? I mean I perhaps had reacted too exaggerating over the all the phone calls. What I wanna do is to just stay away from some of jahiliyyah that I miss out on counting. Astaghfirullahalazim.

On the contrary, being a 20-year old also denotes another phase towards finding your soul partner. How does it feels to have friends who all the way talking about who they like, who they hooked up with and you guys just laugh over it? It feels okay. But when the moment, I say it again almost all your friends suddenly came to you and said, "D, that guy proposed me! or D, you know what happened? That guy proposed me in the cafe, and D, that guy proposed me while we went for hiking the other day". That moment you know, something wrong is going on with you. 

To be frank, I hate talking about marriage, because all I see is, that phase is soooo farrrr away. Hearing your asasian friend, who already engaged, also wrecked me inside. I don't know why. But it's a girl thing inside or hormonal cause, that made you feel bad. Ain't you not pretty enough? Not good enough? Hahaha. All those came from shaithon after I realized. But seriously, planning things with your friends, to travel and saving money etc, and suddenly they paused, and said to me that they are saving up to their nikah, wrecking me even more. This is insane. 

Is it okay if I tell you that I feel alone after all my best friends, the girls, are already on their one step further for engulfing in the world of marriage while I am here, still like a kid, thinking it's not important yet to think about marriage? 

True, after all these while, I kind of stand still to a saying of my roommate; whereby she said to me, Nevermind, D, Allah is taking care of you. That is why. So, after all I am a muslim. And in Islam everything is in the hands of Allah. Even Jodoh is in his hands, so is Death. But I realized that Death is nearer. Probably I die even before I can find for my zauj. Everything can happen in a split second. Readiness towards death, sakaratul maut is therefore more important that anything in this world. 

Muwasofat tarbiyah isn't yet complete? How to reach baitul muslim.

Feeling left out, but I know Allah knows the best for me.

>>p/s: So, Dayana Azhar, chins up, and keep calm because death is awaiting you. And just be prepared for it, for true happiness is not about finding a soulmate but to be in Jannah; eternal happiness. TEHEE :D<<

Uneasy

Uneasy is almost like the feeling of difficult. Like how I tried to post a blog in my small screen xperia while on bed.

Uneasy when the body is trying so,hard to cope with Belgaum's summer. Living in the new hostel, where the surrounding is so much different than previous NRI, where there's lush of greeneries with birds chirping every morning, with shades the trees provide; just so nice to prevent us to get direct harmful UV rays; especially on SUMMER.

Uneasy when there's a person who,kept asking about my motive of life. My matlamat hidup. Because after being a khalifah and abid for almost 21 years, there's still a shimmer. Answering such difficult question with motive of life is akhirat, the life after death is cliche', but that's all I have in mind. To da'wah, subhanallah what a heavy task. I still have countless flaws that when I tried reflecting myself in front of the mirror; I see a sinner. How could I be that magnet of Islam? Attracting people who mostly are hard like metals?

But to count our flaws and say to correct them first before working to da'wah is also not right. What if I died before completing to improve myself? Then, what could I answer in my tiny grave, what have I done and contribute in the road of da'wah?

So uneasy, many sleepless nights.