Illusion

was it just an illusion?

did I just wake up from a dream,

from a beautiful dream?


were all those good night wishes,

and dearly words of consoling,

are all lies,

are those all merely illusion?


how easy it was to start

and how easier it was to end.

eyes didn't tell,

and even mouth didn't speak.

but the truth is I know it all.

what is happening now,

and what is in your mind.

perhaps I should wait?

perhaps I should cry

when I utter your name out

of my prayer?


:)

let this just be another phase

phase where two humans met,

they separate due to fate,

and we'll both go in our own way.

Silence

My expertise is by being silent. Stay silent as a mouse. I still remember one fine day, I visited my beloved Mak Teh who was admitted in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang. It was before I even came to India for studying purpose. 

Mak Teh was at a chronic stage of Diabetes Mellitus. She refused to take her medications on the exact schedule and I was really worried, I mean still am. I miss the strong Mak Teh. Who could drive us (my siblings, cousins and all her nieces and nephews) for a trip to Kuala Lumpur or to the beach. But of course, now she couldn't do all that. The last time she drove me was to my college in Puncak Alam, during asasi years, together with my friends. We stayed at her house overnight just because to attend our grand gala. She stopped by at one stall (my Makcu's stall) which was selling Cakoi. 

Oh..those time! I surely miss. While visiting my Mak Teh, I was really sad seeing her all weak. Even now, I thank God that she's still alive. But seeing her with her edematous lower extremities hurts me to bits and pieces. She couldn't walk properly and often seeing tired. That day at the hospital, mom told her I got my place for medicine. But she rather looks unhappy and asked: "How can you be a doctor? You can't even speak to people?"

Oh yes. Even in the family, I am not the kind of person who speaks. Who sings or who dances. Timid as I am, I tried to show the other side of me in university, in college, because I believe this is the place where I could be what I want to be. I was wrong.

I was completely wrong because for Godsake, I don't even know the basic style how to talk. Yes, talking to people (of course, not to a wall that is), I seriously do not master the art of talking to people. I hit my target badly and unsuccessfully. I spoke out my ideas in a wrong turn, that sometimes, my frankness kills me. Because to talk, not only confidence that matters, but style as well. Style determines whether we could successfully hit our target audiences. I surely do not have that.

For third year, I suddenly realize I not only do not have the style to talk, but I also lose my confidence to go in front and voice out my ideas. I simply do not think this is the consequence for a month plus hiatus from college but I myself develop some kind of fear. Fear for being banned, fear for what people thinks. Many kinds of fear. And for this fear, I feel is rather not fun to stay here anymore. 

My truthfulness, my frankness also fired me back because I accidentally hurt a one elderly's heart. I didn't realized until one day I ventilated how that elderly was wrong to me, that I be frank with her. I was completely wrong. I hit the wrong target. I didn't use my soft skill, because yes, I do not have strong solid soft skill. I never will. 

Even to some friends, I always talk to, I feel insecure. Until I don't find the solution, that I decided to remain silent. Silent is gold like old saying goes, so yeah perhaps this is better. To keep quite.