Noticing that Tuesday will be the day for me to attend Physics Examination for this Semester 1, freaks me out on and off. I have this one feeling that I can answer them well, without putting too much effort and burning the midnight oil for the exam. I just do not know why since I never am really good at any of the subjects of sciences. Perhaps, the title smart as people consoled me often, shouldn't be bragged. It shouldn't be referred to me at the first place, as I am just no one, but a mere average student. I never got hundred percent for my exam paper except for modern math back at school, so as long as I haven't got that 100%, do not console me smart.
Holidays almost over for Raya time. I will be back to UiTM on Monday, after I convinced my dad that there will be no more lectures to attend. I will just need to return to UiTM to sit for my four papers, each took 3 hours to be answered. I have those sample Questions from previous semesters, I looked at them for just few minutes, and wondering if I would shiver and become anxious to complete it within the time given. Right now, what I am worried about, is Mathematics. It is such a burden to learn math here in college unlike high school. Plus, math is the only subject that is compulsory to be an A if one wants to attain a 4 flat. I somehow, underestimate my own self. For the quizzes of math I encountered all these while, my marks aren't satisfying. The lecture one day, called out my names out of many names that were listed to be drowning in mathematics, whom marks were getting lower and not improving. I sighed. The questions were not that difficult, but I just do not know why I can be so careless over them. Screwed me!
Oh yeah, at least for this 2 weeks holiday, I did accomplished something important: that is a visit to my best friend, late Chiam's house. I planned to go there with Huda and Mimi at the first place, but in the end, I went to her house, with Alya and Maizurah. Yesterday, at Huda huge and beautiful house, her parents kept telling us to at least spend some time and pay a visit. They also mention how hard is it for one to find a best friend in this world. Yes, that is true. Even though, many I met so far I can called friends, but in the end only ONE person will be engraved as the best friend of our lives. Just now, Maizurah, Alya and I went to Chiam's house, not very far from mine. Her house looked rather empty. I did not know how to call people inside, so I merely opened the gate outside without permission. We made our entry, and we saw something bizarre and scary. We saw, the television was on and there was a doll with a remote control on its lap. The doll was sitting on a chair and facing the television as if it was watching the television. Perhaps, Chiam's family put the doll that way, just to sooth their heart, and maybe that as a symbol that Chiam Win Nee never did leave them. I called out for people inside several times, but there was no sign that my voice was heard. We then looked at each other, and agreed to leave. But after that, we saw Chiam's mother in the kitchen and she saw us too. At last, the three of us, managed to see her mother who was alone at that time. She was crying when she saw us. I told her to be strong. I was rather speechless as well since not much of a chinese culture I know. We got inside, chatted a bit. But our conversation was trapped behind all the sadness that we keep down inside the heart. We left after everyone turned out to be in complete silent. We hugged her mom again, and all she could utter was, "Sorry, aunty tak tau raya camna". We smiled and made our way out.
According to her mom, Chiam stopped to have asthma at one time. But, at Genting she was rather silent about her illness. She was sick but she didn't tell. She collapsed on the day she should return to Kajang. Her brother who brought her to Genting, called the ambulance, but it was too late. Even at the hospital, my dear friend didn't get her treatment in immediate possibility. The doctor was late and everything was just too late, she died afterward, and it stopped right there. Hearing her mother's side of the story was disheartening. Raya was a bit dim without her and it will continue to be dim forever. It was just unthinkable.
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| my last photo with her during the awarding ceremony. I lost a friend who's smart and as the same interest as mine. |
Among the bizarre-ness, laziness and unthinkable event, I need to standing still and move on while life wants me to be in its picture. First thing first that need to be completed is of course my final first sem exam. But why am I so lazy to handle anything with notes and exercises. Why am I in a sudden lose the spirit of becoming among them who could enter medical school? Why am I in a sudden feel like I could do good in the exam without proper struggling like I used to do? Why am I boastful? Why am I suddenly lost interest in Biology? Why am I suddenly feels like all I wanna do is not science but art? Why why why???
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