Working

Working is truly used to be a blessing. I asked for a job in my prayers for a year in my du'a in that one year hiatus after medschool. Got Hospital Sungai Buloh instead of the nearby Serdang. When I was in the eHO website for hospital placement, I was a bit frustrated as Hospital Serdang was no more in the list that I can opt for. Thus, I chose HSGB as I have been there before a multiple times when I was doing premedical studies in UiTM.

Medical department is where I am currently working in, will finish it by next month; November. Time flew but I must admit I was not a good houseman. Never in my life, I thought I would have problems in adapting or to perform well, but I am still am not good after almost 4 months in medical. My tagging period was prolonged since I was told that I am too slow at adapting to the system. I still remember I returned home at 2 am just to enter my notes in the system. Every plan was jumbled up. And the next morning I have to return at 4 am. So ridiculous.

My specialist then told my boss, that I have no knowledge and could not present my cases well. My boss. the head of department scolded me in front of every junior housemen, and I broke apart; cried in front of everyone. He said I was a disgrace to my family for being slow and incompetent. I tried every single day to improve but it's so hard.

I have problems inserting a cannulla/branula, problems with blood taking and many more. Even one time, I mistakenly switch two persons blood and the specialist from the blood bank came to see me to inform that I will be given a warning letter. I cried again before her.

Switched to PKKN on the 3rd week or so, and started to work with this specialist who happened to be a lioness. My first day, in PKKN, I need to handle 16 beds. I came to ward at 5 am, only to know I cant print the notes; but must write em all down. Imagine to know 16 beds altogether. It's a nightmare! And by 7.30 am, I still havent finish noting down another 10 patients' histories and all the things they had. My MO came and asked whether I knew all the cases. I told her no. I didnt manage to do so.

My specialist that morning was very fierce and said things so fast that I couldn't catch up. Rasa nak nangis! Later after some time, I was still doing my tagging, every day came to work at 4 am and return home at 10 or 11 pm. It's exhausting as heck. I feel like wanting to quit, can't function, useless every negative feeling started to fill in. Soon after, this very fierce specialist, off tag me, didn't have proper assessment with her, but from that day, I was able to do solo calls.

Solo calls in PKKN was so chill and relaxing. Even though, I need to handle three wards, I can still manage all the coming morning bloods and the patients, indent all the medication properly and things were fine. Working at dengue wards was tiring at first, but soon I think I became better at PKKN. The best thing was that I was then working with Dr S, my favourite specialist who never demotivated me, and always speak nicely to me. I felt appreciated and love working.

Changing to ward 4A was a nightmare. Met a lot of new good friends, but I felt so stressed as I did not function well. Did a lot of mistakes; cause patient to collapse and got scolded by the specialist every now and then. Patients in this ward had so multiple complex problems, that I can't even brain. Most of the patients, were having kidney issues, so they were overloaded. Their veins were very difficult to find and their arteries at most time were very hard to palpate. It's a blessing actually when you see a triple lumen or a femoral cath being inserted so that blood taking would be easier.

Just recently, when I was oncall, one patient desaturated and got intubated after his blood pressure drops to 69/40. The fault was on me, since I was the one instructed the nurse that night to taper down the IVI labetolol from 3 ml/hr to 1m/hr. I also didnt manage to take all the bloods that day...so again I need to write an explanation letter. Total explanation letters were 8...imagine the mistakes I made in a week working in the ward.

I have cried the whole week out of stress. It's so stressful. Been wanting to quit so bad, as I can't handle the pressure. I was not given an off day for two weeks working, until today. Working non stop and when I mentioned I am stress, no one gives a damn. It's true that in this life as a houseman, it's all me, I am alone. No one would understand the pressure, be it your family, your loved ones, your so called specialist who acted nice only in front of you. I am in this path alone.

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