Of failure and of 'emptiness'

Salam to all.

Second year has approached its 2nd week by now. Still, in this leisure mood whereby I am pretending that all the contents of the lectures aren't important, and spending my night like I gonna get straight A's for my selanjar. I am a person who won't do good without struggling. And still with some struggle, I ain't good. But still, I don't wanna endure the guilt and agony of being a failure; thus something has to be done. Proper study schedule, proper self management to stay fit and to be energized all day long. I just do not want to be sleepy in class, because to review all the lecture at night is impossible'. 

As for being a second year student, I think it's not easy. All the lectures we have mostly deal with pathology meanwhile those in first year, deal more to the normal physiology. Thus, this year, we have to like do much of the recall. Which is not something easy. Difficult! How can we remember that complement cascade during immunology? And what not all the anatomy of arteries and veins. Thank you very much, but I am not complaining here, just give you some recap of what we are having now.

To be frank, I am not happy nowadays due to some reasons. Yes, I know things won't go as we plan or as we expected. But this awkwardness, this annoyance have been circulating around me for quite some time after we arrived. These days what I can see from my batch is the lacking of give and take. Most of them, genuinely seems to be so selfish and emotional without reasons. And there are some people who did wrong things but they are being eaten by their own ego. In the end, things became devastating.

By the way, I am more to twitter these days, because I can say anything I wish to say, but people won't get to see it unless they follow me. And sometimes, what I posted just drown in the time line. Anyhow, there are certain drawbacks of twitter in which most of the time what I wrote got misunderstood by others. Just like this week alone, I don't know whether I failed to send the information right, or I failed to convey it to sentences that people won't hurt when they read it. Or either they alone failed to read it with conscience and with an open minded. So much of failure!

And this year, I also have to endure to the fact that information regarding USMKLE won't be directly informed to me like last year. I have no post to hold (yet, maybe). And I don't think I am a kind of person people will vote for because of certain reasons (like being a drama queen). I don't know why but this actually makes my life here a bit empty. Maybe because I used to be all day busy with meetings, with endevours regarding my classmates and all. But this time, I just feel like not being needed. However, I know this will bring good to rescheduled my timetable and daily routine. Everything I get from Allah, is the best, hence; why fret?

I pray I don't have to deal with so much of arrogance this year, which I hate to see in my daily routine to and fro at college. People with no smile, unless being greeted; people with no sense to ask how we are doing unless we have been in their clique and so much more of arrogance. It seems like so many of 'puak' now and you only will get to cling if you can give people something in return. This is a very genuine feeling, just need to let it out. It is not a hard feeling, it is just that, after a year; the bond isn't just there yet. Maybe due to arrogance. 

Finn

>>p/s: Pray for strength not ease. That will be much better<<

Phase II

Salam to all.

Well, yeah, it's September and I am in year 2 already. Time is fast, so what? 

Just arrived from Malaysia 2 days back, which is yesterday. Class started at 10.30 am yesterday, while our bus from Bangalore reached Belgaum exactly at 7 am. Wasn't excited to come back. That mood of the holiday is still stuck here in the mind. Just feel that recent holiday wasn't enough. Wasn't satisfy with the short break and yeah, I didn't even have the chance to blog once I was in Malaysia. How lame is that?

Anyhow, no matter how I hate to be here already, I am still in this realistic world whereby I knew I must stay here for the sake of my studies. 2nd year and clinicals people. Heard that we have to move out to a hostel which isn't fully finished and still under construction. Heard that for clinicals we gonna go to a new hospital, built for USM students. WOOOOO...let's see how these big talks will turn out real, alright?

What I wanna advice to juniors who might knew me or not knowing me, to come to USM India, just don't hope so big. We'll try to make our stay be as fun as possible. Because FUN can be made. Remember that. Till then, I need sleep:)

>>p/s: Bilik macam tongkang pecah. Malah worst! Gosh!!!<<

Aidilfitri and letting go

Salam aidilfitri, to all dear readers. Yes, it's Eid Mubarak already and it feels so soon for Ramadhan to leave us. Surely, every one will have their own nostalgic moment of both Ramadhan and Eid. I can say that Ramadhan is better to be remembered. This year alone, I had got the chance to feel the loneliness of celebrating Ramadhan a far from home, from family. Definitely, ifthor without mom and dad seems different.

Also, this year alone, it feels different when I have to rush things off just to have some time to see my expanded family because of time constraint. Only now that I realize time is so precious, because you know that you are getting older and the older you become, the possibility for you to have the same moment with the family members declines. Yes people, it is a negative thought, but we can't never stop Allah's power and Allah's knowledge. 

About a few months ago, some friends from asasi did have this idea to see each other, to have ifthor together. Well, I can say that I am very much disappointed because many of them didn't say anything during this ramadhan, keeping silent as a mouse and just missing in action. Perhaps, something happened to them that they no longer want to cherish the friendship. I can't understand, but I am learning to understand and let go.

Plus, tomorrow it's Eid. I want to see mak teh's face as much as I could. She who is my favourite aunt, is sick and doesn't seem to be better. Her diabetes is worsen. She did say, perhaps the next time I return, she might no longer be here with us. Which is sad, but then again, I have to learn to let go. And let her go, if that is what it meant to be.

And I only have like 4 days for syawal and then I am off straight to attend the PPSL thingy at USM. I like everyone feel bad of going because holidays become shorter that way; but sometimes we need changes to the way we spend our holidays. Just wanting to brush up some social skills that I am lacking, and that's why I am attending a camp in Penang from 25th till 29th of August and then another 4 days in USM Kubang Kerian till 5th September. Did I mention my date of returning to India is on the 9th of September? Yeahhh...so it's a short holiday.

Perhaps, this holiday, I can't fulfill my wish to see dear teachers, classmates from school and Puncak Alam that I miss dearly; thus I hope it won't be like this for my next return. Only that it is so sad that when Eid approaches, the date for me to be apart from my family is getting nearer. *Bursting into tears, womanly tears*

>>p/s: I am not yet a doctor yet people in the family keep calling me doctor. I pray their words are du'a so that the dream can be accomplished. Together with that, it is a sacrifice in a matter of time; lesser time with the family. And there's always a need to sacrifice to be successful. Hope people don't jot me as over ambitious>>

Sayonara Belgaum, for a while

Assalamualaikum and Salam Ramadhan al Kareem to all of you.

Professional examination for year 1 is done, over, full stop, and the book has closed. It ended on last Monday the 23rd with OSPE. I must say OSPE was the savior among all those hard core short essays and multiple choice true and false questions. Probably because, most of the questions were already discussed during revision class, not the same questions but similar. But then again, everything came because of the Rahmah from Allah The Al Mighty.

The day when they said the result will be announced was terrifying. Everyone of us, the 83 students of Phase 1 were asked to gather in our lecture hall to know whether we have triumph or vice versa. It's so shaking I tell ya. Prof KJ, Dr Prabhakar Kore, Dr Rajshekar and some of our common lecturers were there waiting with us. The day before, 14 students were elected to attend the Viva interview with a few important panels. I am so proud to say 2 students from my A1 group were among the 14 students. Well, they deserve it as they had worked so hard literally. 

Prof KJ were the one who announced the result. One by one our names were called out, and was asked to stand. Others gave their big round of applause. Prof KJ did offered some nerve wrecking moment when 2 of my friends weren't being called. Then, he said, "Saya memain je" and everyone broke into laughter. Alhamdulillah, all of my colleague has passed the first year successfully. Later, the distinction students were called out. They were five of them. I must say two of my non-muslim friends who sat beside me, Gan and Ryan really deserved to get distinction. They were very discipline, never playing truant and at utmost diligent. I am so proud to be sitting among them in the lecture hall. *event though I didn't get to join them for viva, I iz okay*

Three of the distinctions students were ex PASUM's students. They were as expected and had been smarty pants all these while. Hahaha. One of them didn't study that hard but because of her good deeds to many of us, Allah granted her the place she deserved. Then again, congratulations to all my friends. The hurdles we had overcome with victory. Now, let's enjoy the short break and this Ramadhan with the family.

I got three more days in Belgaum, which I fulfilled with shopping. Celebrating Ramadhan for the first time, a thousand miles from home is okay for me since the community I live in is so welcoming and nice to each other. Even though, we had hard time to know when was our first day of Ramadhan (since India is so huge and every state and city has different time for it to start the month of Ramadhan), it is still fun. And for Iftar, it is never a trouble. My roommate is a chef, so thanks a lot to her for making me fat and thanks a lot to her for acting like my 'mom', waking me up for Sehri. As for Taraweeh, I am so thankful we have many 'Imam Muda' to lead the prayers. I told you everything is perfectly fine here, alhamdulillah. Just worry less and pray more :D

Now that the results are known, and most of the friends already on their way back home to Malaysia, I still has tonnes to do like laundry (2nd cycle), and of course to clear up my desk since I am moving to a new room with a new room mate next year (September 2012 that is LOL). I just found out that we cannot stick to one person even though she or he is our best friend. Sometimes we need some space. And yes, not everybody can stand with our attitudes although we think we have done good enough. Just accept it that, certain people wanna act different ways. I hope this is like a new 'Hijrah' for me. I know my new roommate who is also a year older than me, will guide me better in every way. I wanna be like her, insyaALLAH. I wanna be like her who is so bold yet so polite and respected by all. I rest everything to Allah because after all, HE knows best for HIS servants. And only to HIM we pray, none others :)

Alas, Sayonara dear Belgaum. A place where I discover many new things in life, the place where I found many other friends who are so close to Allah and never get bored to invite us along. Praise to Allah The Al Mighty, for all his continuous blessings and Rahmah that 83 of us had such a good time as a family here. Praise to HIM for He has brought such a fatherly Prof KJ to us; that with his guidance we all had succeed the first year, and InsyaALLAH for the next 4 years; towards becoming great doctors for the Ummah. Plus, we are definitely keen to have many more juniors to come here and be part of us. Amin:)

Here are us. 83 of us with some of our lecturers. It has been great, super great! 

>>p/s: will only have 2 days for raya, but then again to be great we need to sacrifice<<

Minggu depan

Assalamualaikum dear readers.

Hiatus has I been. To the world full of torture. Even though, this is just a mere beginning of a new start. Ya Rabb, I pray. Please don't make me weak. Give me strength. To overcome all these insecure feelings. What ever happened, please let my heart soften to accept it. I don't want to be as rebellious as before. Blaming my fate till I cried out blood. No! I don't want to return to that pathetic state.

While I am here, Allah has certainly poured me with so much love and care. Because, without HIM, without His permission to let me be here, I won't find those friends who keep reminding me to solah, to zikr, to remember him mostly. Maybe, I would be in that snobby state, where I would cry if I don't get something I want.

Indeed, for the pro exam. I like many others, do have that intention, that wish, to get distinction. To get excellent results. But for now, things have made me realized there are more than just getting distinction, and excellent results. When you are older, you will be happy if you be more realistic towards your goal. When you know where you stand, you can definitely toned down the fright. 

I do respect some of my friends here that are very patient all along these torture 3 weeks, study almost non stop so that they would get what they want. And along these three weeks, many asked me whether I have completed my revision and up till now, I literally didn't even get to recap what I read and reviewed. To be frank, I am a person who is very bad in revision and examination. What have brought me here is rahmat from ALLAH Taala. 

Efforts are also useless if we are to boastful about them. Indeed, it's a no pain no gain when we talk about achievements. Name any achievements, no body has achieved theirs without slightest pain. But, remember, only Allah Himself could make your efforts worth and completely of zero meaning. Don't be boastful as boastfulness are not for humans instead, it's for Allah.

As for knowledge, share it with those around you. It's a very bad thing when the place you are studying at has this nonsense thought that we can't share certain things to the people that deserve the knowledge. It's feel very sad to not being to help those that have helped us in certain ways; just because you are tied up with the policy. Perhaps, I would be banned again this time, but I think I am doing the right thing.

Not to mention, starting from next week; it would be a closure to the title I held for all this past 10 months. Being a leader is not a tough job for such a small scale of students. Alhamdulillah, Allah has certainly help me through all those heart wrecking moments, those quarrels with other students and other complications. Now, things are back to normal. People are more interested to study rather than some batch fights. So, yeah, it has been a great opportunity to be a leader, even though I know I am not a good one. These people deserve better person as a leader: and I think we already have one. Alhamdulillah that a new Vice President is the one that can hold responsibility and well-versed in Islam. I must learn from her, many things to be learnt. 

17th July; the first paper will I sit for. And everything will be a history by the noon of 23rd July. I hope people who stumble or by chance read this, can pray for this weak person. Pray for my strength. I really need to pass first year with flying colours. I want to return to home town with a smile and not with a frown. 

>>p/s: alhamdulillah, I can now spend a week Ramadhan in Belgaum<<

Hujung Tanduk

Fine people. Rumor has it. I mean it's not a rumor any more, but this is the fact. The fact that our pro examination is being forward to an earlier date. The 16th of July to be precised. 

This is super shocking and choking us to death. (Ok exaggerating) But seriously? Why did all of these changes? It was okay at first, it was fine at first. The new schedule makes us puke blood. And torture I must say, for me literally.

This should be our original schedule for pro exam. Which I think runs smoothly and just nice to note that most of the students bought our flight ticket on 1st August. If it finishes by 19th, what are we gonna do here for 2 weeks? Nak buat kuih raya ke???

I already contact the USM Kubang Kerian's behalf, and they told me, they will stick to the original schedule. Okay, then why change ours. Straight a week without any gap in between is so cruel to the brain, to the soul. Lol, again I am exaggerating.

Nevertheless, if we have to stick to the new schedule, let's pray that we all can do it well. Nothing we can do rather than rely on the power of Allah All Mighty.

>>p/s: why did I complaint about this? If Allah said Kun Fa Ya Kun, then it happens. Why should I care to burden my head with this? Astaghfirullahalazzim<<

You don't see, it's boring

Yeah people. I think I need a camera. I am saving up either for a new camera phone, or an Ipod Touch or The New Ipad. Sigh...can't make the choice. You see blogging, is such a bore without the ability to post good photos. Especially when I really really wanna post about life her in India, the difference and the similarities. 

Thinking about it making me insane, (not literally). So, after thoughts and thoughts, I would rather go to Malaysia and buy. Lame la me wanna post it here. Not to mention, now that there's a voyager group; where I have to plan on travelling abroad and introduce USMKLE to the world, and have to make video out of my journey; thus having a camera is vital. 

Sigh, the orang-kaya type of group they make. It's important as to get global merit, as what they said it before. Without hesitance, yes! everyone is now planning to go somewhere, out of India and Malaysia. Tak main la Bandung! (*amat berlagak*)

Okay, bye2 off to study. Lotsa things I forgot. And this is just not right. :/