Becoming Hadid and Maryam

Hadid means iron in Arabic. I am sorry but I am not that well versed in Arabic, only that I know Hadid means iron. In Malay, it means 'besi'. Hadid, is in fact, not just regular iron or besi. As I depicted this word from the Quran, I know Hadid means iron by how Allah S.W.T meant it to be.

As we regularly recite Al Kahfi every time Jumuuah comes, we could easily found a verse from that very ayat that mentioned:

As Zulkarnain asked the people to bring him sheets of iron. The Hadid. He leveled them between the two mountain walls, they were blew with fire till the become thoroughly strong. And the function of these sheets of iron, the Hadid was to prevent the Gog and Magog (Yakjuj and Makjuj) from coming any closer and causing tantrums to the people. The sheets of iron is strong enough that it couldn't be penetrated by those Gog and Magog.

The same thing I want to apply to myself. I am a stern person myself. But I realized how weak I am. Hadid in general should be a presentation to how our hearts should be. Strong. Firm. There must be nothing that could penetrate that firmness. Firmness in the route to get near to Allah. To our first home; Paradise. Jannah. I have a lot of times received messages from friends. from my sisters who keep on inviting to come closer to Allah. The messages keep on flowing and flowing. But I wonder why my heart seems not to be happy. Not to have the excitement as my other sisters. I always want to have that feeling. The excitement, happiness whenever the call awaits. When the call comes. Too many buts but yeah T__T

Being strong as not to stumble and fall. That is Hadid. The strong heart that knows well that only Allah should be her prior. None others. When things happened as it has been written, it's because Allah wants the heart to be closer to the ground. To make me, us just as His Servant. Whether things that happened is a joy or a sore. The heart should not weakens. Instead it should be like Hadid, firm and wouldn't let sadness over penetrate it self. 

Being Maryam R.A

Turning the soul into Maryam's soul. The Holy Mother of Prophet Isa a.s. Maryam is known for her fondness in enslaving herself to Allah Almighty God. Even food came to her from Allah's sky through the angel Jibrael a.s. She was chosen to be the mother of our Prophet Isa a.s because she was pure. She never had attachments towards humans. What more is it to be men. One day, Allah chose her to carry Prophet Isa a.s. in her womb. She cried as she wondered how could she become pregnant when she never ever even speak to a man. And never had been touched. Allah S.W.T reassured her that this was to be a sign of His power. That, when Allah meant something to happen, it happened. It's beyond human's capability. 

Maryam is also the only woman that had been mentioned in the Quran by her name alone. She has one surah for that. Her rank is so high that none other women would ever surpasses her. She lies besides the love of Allah. And when she gave birth, she was alone, Allah gave her all the strength. But during the childbirth, as she was weak and thirsty, Allah mentioned in the surah; calling her to go to a palm tree and shake it so that the fruits from it came down. Allah wanted to see her effort in doing so, because with efforts, Allah rewards us with more blessings. And when, Prophet Isa a.s was delivered, and people came talking bad towards Maryam, Allah gave the power to little Prophet Isa a.s to speak and defended his mother. 

Maryam, is a true Muslimah, Mukminah in general. How am I to have a soul as purified as her? That what heart has is only Allah S.W.T but none others. Nothing in the world owns her. And all she did was to surrender and surrender to Allah. Nothing else matters. 

Again, the world is fluttered with false hopes, dreams and too much negligence. But we too have Allah despite everything. Indeed, to be as pure as Maryam, and to develop a heart as strong like Hadid, perseverance is the key. And du'a and prayers. Lets put Allah on top of our priority ! 

>>p/s: -Bila kita kejar Allah, nescaya Dunia mula mengejar kita-<<

Phase II

Salam to all.

Well, yeah, it's September and I am in year 2 already. Time is fast, so what? 

Just arrived from Malaysia 2 days back, which is yesterday. Class started at 10.30 am yesterday, while our bus from Bangalore reached Belgaum exactly at 7 am. Wasn't excited to come back. That mood of the holiday is still stuck here in the mind. Just feel that recent holiday wasn't enough. Wasn't satisfy with the short break and yeah, I didn't even have the chance to blog once I was in Malaysia. How lame is that?

Anyhow, no matter how I hate to be here already, I am still in this realistic world whereby I knew I must stay here for the sake of my studies. 2nd year and clinicals people. Heard that we have to move out to a hostel which isn't fully finished and still under construction. Heard that for clinicals we gonna go to a new hospital, built for USM students. WOOOOO...let's see how these big talks will turn out real, alright?

What I wanna advice to juniors who might knew me or not knowing me, to come to USM India, just don't hope so big. We'll try to make our stay be as fun as possible. Because FUN can be made. Remember that. Till then, I need sleep:)

>>p/s: Bilik macam tongkang pecah. Malah worst! Gosh!!!<<

Regresa Mi

Assalamualaikum

It has not been a great day, a great week and a great month. Embarking into a new place was exciting, but now it's not exciting as it was before. Sorry that I might seem not to be thankful but I have been more prone to remember of the past. I am just a person who is hard to let go of things; what more the things I have develop love with.

In a flash, without I am realising, selanjar 3/continuous assessment 3 is looming any minute with 4 big topics to cover. Still, the mood to start doing something has decelerated. Maybe, at one point, there's time you will feel bloody tired and exhausted to continue. I have been trying to tell myself and preach myself telling that I must do these for the sake of Allah, but I guess, I am failing. 

Mom and dad would be very disappointed knowing that I am not actually very happy living here. Well, not to the optimum. I mean life has been repeatedly about studying and to pass the first year. Every time it feels amazing to let to learn new things, to discover how organs work, to know how to handle emergency aids and such; but I don't know why I feel life is lacking of boost.

I have been looking through the photos of Puncak Alam quite a number of times. I felt free back then, with my K770i. It was a big mistake to have been traded that cybershot phone with a lousy Xperia X8. Nak smart phone sangatkan?! Ni lah padahnya!...but I shouldn't complain much since K770i was really broken by the time I was about to come to Belgaum; and that's why I got the new X8.

At University, I should have more friends and cliques. Yes, I do have them here; but I am just too greedy and stubborn for wanting to have the similar friends I had before. You see, the only person I feel free to do anything with is my room mate. But, I can't just rely on one person. I want to have groups of friends. Oh why am I being so demanding?

Looking through photos of my ex-schoolmate; I envy how close their friendship is. Their still photos show everything off. It was just lovely and lively! I would want photos like that, said my heart. Sadly, would I get that with this pathetic situation I am enduring with now?

I do have friends and I bragged a lot about having friends in Russia, in USA, in Palam, in Indonesia and in Egypt; but I don't cherish them. They are just mere people I used to know; used to study with, used to talk a little with and this is just bad. I know I should not feel down just because I am lacking that feeling of having friends around because Allah is the only Entity that I must seek for. 

Somehow or rather, deep down inside, I am still a mere human. A human who needs a companion. But I am a human who rarely succeeded in achieving close contact and relationship with people. More often I ruined them; just like what I did a couple of days before. Being a leader who is hatred by some people is such a devastating occurrence. And it was all my fault for not being clever and wise enough to handle a small matter ; rather I made things complicated.

You know the feeling when, seeing others got calls from their friends at Malaysia, far away from here, make me envy, a lot frankly saying. Even sending people postcards and not receiving not at least one from the people I love is sad. It's awkward when seeing colleagues here receiving postcards from their friends, receiving visits and all. And when I don't get any of them; I just feel like am I the only one who still consider these people I know as friends? 

I never had best friends. Even if I had one; GOD has taken her away; very far. I miss her. Maybe it's because I am not friendly, not kind and not fun that I am feeling so lonely in this world of loneliness? Perhaps so? Even family members are too busy to attend me, what more with friends that I must seek for?

Okay then, so books and dear books; would you please dearly have some 'great' time with me? I won't do you harm but I bet you would.

O ALLAH The Most Merciful, I only seek knowledge through YOU; since only YOU could give me the knowledge.

When you learning strategy FAILS

assalamualaikum everybody.

Tau tak yang saya langsung tak boleh jawab exam pagi tadi. 

AND saya langsung tak tau mana silap saya...

BACA, ULANGKAJI, tapi tak masuk....

Well, I love the Nervous Block because I feel like a neurologist. But now, I think it's impossible for me to actually be in line for the next neurologist like Prof Jafri Malin Abdullah of USM. 

Just that, this morning was terrifying. Knowing that my knowledge is saturated but the brain failed to memorize or recall most of the important aspects that I have to know for this subject, was scary....I mean it is still scary now. 

We have this book called Unlimited Paradigm, a compilation of various questions usually being asked for this block courtesy of the recent students of USM Kubang Kerian. Unfortunately, due to my ego, I haven't touch the book thoroughly, just had a glance look and tell myself that I don't need it as a reference. 

But, Allah wants to show his way to me this morning, whereby I was fully blacked out on questions like nerve tracts and I think I am getting a 'chicken egg' for biochemistry. Sedihhhhhnyaa....! I feel so dumb that I would cry out tears. 

End block is super tiring, super worrisome, super terrifying and exhausting. I mean this is medical school that I always longing to come right? What else should I expect? *Clap, Clap, Clap* Because my life will go like turbulent after this. Thus, I really need a new strategy to overcome this.

>>p/s: New block on Homeopathic System is gonna start this Monday for 2 weeks. Oh...how hectic, and community placement was too boring for me. Emm. Any ideas how to instill my empathy towards those who are unlucky???<<

Heads On

Keep Calm and start packing dear self. Almost every day, after returning home from work, Mom will ask whether or not have I started or finish packing up my stuff. The most intriguing thing to accomplish yet so complicated.

Actually, I have had myself busy packing for baju kurung. As far as I concern, USM-KLE although seems like studying overseas, it follows rules from USM-KK at Kelantan. Therefore, it a must for students to wear formal attire every day to lectures and classes. No excuses. And, according to our seniors, there's a day for girls to must wear a Punjab Suit, or Salwa Kameez. Yahooo!!! I like this. Hehehe :D So when I said formal attires, I mean baju kurung, dear readers.

Hence, I stuffed all that I have to my baggage and it seems that Baju kurung itself already make it full. Haih. I need to re-pack. Plus, I am thinking to buy more packets of Maggie. My frequent food it will be once I am there,  but it seems like 20 kg isn't enough :(

I came up with a plan, to apply for MAS Grad Cards, for students. It allows all members as long they are students to bring extra 10 kg on board, with free of charge but of course, paying the annual fees of USD 30 (for those studying abroad). But, I have second thoughts, if I apply this, I need to use MAS frequently. And, it's not that I will use MAS that frequent, because it's cheaper to return via Air Asia. So, it looks like this plan seems like into no use. Still, it is on my head now. HEHEE...and MAS has far more comfortable seats compared to Air Asia. 

Added up to the headache, I now need to pack for three occasions. One: For 5 years stay in India. Second: For 3 days orientation at USM KK. And Third: For Balik Kampung at Kedah. But I can't just bring different set of clothes for this three occasions. Thus, I need to think of a nice strategy to pull things through. Hehehe. Meaning I have to also bring laundry to India, because I have no time exactly to send them to the dobby. 

I wanna bring the whole HOUSE if I can. :(

This is just hectic and will be havoc. Just need my mental and physical to be prepared by all the future outbreaks. Not to mention, I maybe have to go to Kelantan by bus again. Pity Dad if I ask him to drive. It's so far. 

Anyhow, it is less than 25 days (*how fast time flew*) approximately for me to just set my minds straight and be tough and strong. I will have a drench weeks after Raya, no leisure. And I have to stand on my own feet without parents beside me. 

when can I finish this

It's not as simple as BLAIR when it comes to packing :(

Not to mention, I suddenly wish how Azyan Amani would accept this offer too. I just in a sudden, wish how we could prepare things together and live for 5 years together in India. But, she has her reasons to reject this. She doesn't want to be a doctor and I must respect that. :) 

>>>p/s: bersyukurlaa kepada sesiapa yang dapat IPTA. Anda tidak perlu risau mengemas barang seperti saya....and....I still need to find for sweaters. Its CHILLING and COLD at India <<<

Reality Streaming in Malaysia

One word: MISERY. The reality to download or to stream big files in Malaysia is just going down the drain. I didn't know that actually when we used Wifi, the actual speed we subscribe would be divided according to the numbers of computer in the house that are using the line. This is just super sucks. And, the speed got worsen during weekends. T.T

I have a friend who recently returned from studying at Russia. He took amazing 5 minutes downloading 3 movies simultaneously back there at Russia. I asked him to download some of my favourite TV shows which if I were wanting to download them here, would be just 'impossible'. So yeah, he also gave me abundant of new movies that were not even aired yet in our country, how cool is that? So, as he is now settling back in his hometown, here in Malaysia, and the speed of Internet is just so pathetic, he got so bored for not being able to continue streaming like heaven like before. Pity.

Anyhow, as I was saying, I am currently downloading my current favourite Korean drama called Obgyn Doctors, recommended by my future senior. Trying to download the 7th episode now, and yesterday's episode on War of Blood was just super mesmerizing and impressive. The fake surgery seems to be super real, and the blood too. The same level as Grey's Anatomy would I were to describe this. 

The fact that direct downloading is insecure because if our connection goes wrong, we need to download it back again. And the waits? Who can wait that longer. I am also not the kind of person who like to turning on my computer in bloody long hours just to download a single series. It would damage the computer in a long run due to overheating. 

So yeah, I hope in the near future, there would be an increment in our internet service. We need fast secure connectivity. What not nowadays people do live on online connection. Even business run that way. What's the use of our country being a fibre optic's producer if we cannot even have amazing fast speed Internet right? 

Kena marah..

On last Wednesday, I went to The India Visa Centre located at Jalan Lebuh Pasar Besar to of course do my visa. Sadly, MARA didn't covers for it, so I went up using dad's money instead. Pity me though for not having this 'capability' to pay this on my own. I am plain broke.

Actually, on that day before, Tuesday that was, dad and I walked all the way from Jalan Raja Laut crossing the Jalan Tunku Abdul Rahman to reach Masjid Jamek to search for Jalan Lebuh Pasar Besar. Glad that my dad is  a Kuala Lumpur expert, so he knew quite well where some important buildings are located in the city. It was tiring and blazing hot, adding up it was Ramadhan. 

I guess that Tuesday was some sort of a bad luck day for me though. Dad and I went to perform Zuhur at Masjid India, which was sooo crowded. After wudhuk, I went to the Muslimah side of the masjid, then I got scolded for stepping on the pathway that I can't step on if I have my shoes on. The clean lady was like:

" Dah tulis tak boleh pijak pun, masih pijak lagi. Takde mata ke? " 

And she was pointing all those words to me. Everyone was staring at me like I am sort of a loser (Well, practically I am. I step back, took off my shoes and went inside without bothering to give some piece of my mind to the lady. Takpe, puasa, so tahan je nafsu amarah tu :)

Anyhow, as I was saying, I went again to KL on Wednesday, since the service for Visa had already close when we actually arrived at the very place. Early in the morning we went there, and so, I was the first one to deal with the counter that very day. 

Unfortunately, I don't know which part that I did wrong or LOOKed wrong that I was mistreated so badly. Okay, actually as I arrived, I went to the receptionist, gave the lady my information and the lady did write something on my Visa form and then gave it back to me. She gave me my number, and in a couple of seconds, I was called. Damn fast.

Then, it was at the counter where, I was treated like some sort of bastard. The counter lady, asked for my Visa form, my passport and USM offer letter rudely though. The intonation was as if she had PMS on that day. She ruined my mood in a total. Then she asked me rudely again why didn't I complete my visa form. Well it was 90% complete, except that I left blank some of the part I didn't know what to fill. I gave her back as soon as I finished filling those empty parts. She asked for my passport, and kept complaining how different my signature in the passport with the one in the Visa form. Of course a slight different only. Is that such bad thing? No right? T.T

I was so freaking pissed because of the lady at the counter. She even questioned me whether my application has been approved by the manager. I told her NO because I didn't know that the first lady at the reception counter already approve it. She took my visa form, and saw the red ink note written by that lady, and exclaimed, " Just now I asked you dah approve ke belum, you kata belum". Yeah, like I knew THAT was actually what they mean by approved. 

Luckily, all those heart wrenching moment lasted about 20 minutes. I was a bit shocked by how RUDE some people especially officers can be EARLY in the morning. Really spoiled my mood though, I bet she spoiled hers too. Maybe I was right that she has PMS. But why can't she be at least a bit fun. I am going to her country for God sake. Why can she smile? Is not like she's working under the hot blazing sun or it's not like she's on fasting. Haih....what a day

But people, that was just a simple scene one would have to bear in Kuala Lumpur. Harsh people are everywhere. No one you can trust.

>>p/s: KTM SUCKS LIKE ALWAYS. <<

One more nothing

Clearly it has been almost two months 'enjoying' this holiday and turning on the notebook almost 24/7 because it's a center of both entertainment as well as communication at ease. Thanks DAD for installing the wireless connection (WiFi) which certainly makes our fat lives easier and the least to boredom.

Mom had been planning vulgarly on a vacation to Indonesia but then it's all cancelled because she said she wanna someone to settle the tickets and tours for her, and all she has to do is the paying. but too bad she's isn't the one who would search for that particular 'someone' to do that for her. And that's how the vacation turned into a dream and will be just that way for now and forever since my bathroom is under 'construction'. I should be lucky that my dad is the kind of a multitasking and almost-multi-talent man, so he is now trying to finish the bathroom with new tiling, flooring, plumbing and etc. I hope it will turn out well and nice.

May came smoothly and a bit rejoicing since some aunts and uncles from Utara Malaysia (Kedah and Perak) came for a visit. Basically, the last one was last year around September. And when they come mom will be terrified and all panic since she has to cook for so many guests and I can be considered as a helpless daughter. The least I can do is arranging the dishes on the table or wash the dishes after meals. Following my family to my uncle's for lunch on last Sunday was okay because the lunch was terrific except for the way it was served. I hate the fact that you have to sit down on the floor, bersila to eat. For me, it is a nuisance way of serving for a small house whereby you will have hard time to reach and get the dish you want. Why can't they just serve the food on the table, let people take what they like as in buffet style and then they could eat wherever they like. More convenience that way. (being all nagging and muttering)

I am a helpless entertainer and helper. While at my other uncle's house for brunch called Nasi Lemak Kopi O' event, they served chapati and all-time-favorite-Malaysian breakfast meal-the Nasi Lemak. First I was glad that those food were on the table. Then my aunt, asked me to help with the beverages. I wanted to be some kind of a helpful person so I tended to offer everyone a drink, TEA OR COFFEE, but then my dad said, just put it on the table, as people will take it later when they want to drink, on the contrast my aunt wanted me to serve them the drink. What a confusion. In the end, I stopped serving the guests and selfishly eat my part of brunch-alone.

Even though I like how family can reunited and be together under one roof, I certainly despise how alone I would feel on that occasion. I have no cousins to talk to and no one to really keep me company, maybe it's the way I look-the gloomy look that scared people away. And it is a fact that I am a lousy-chatter and would easily becoming bored listening to others talking about matters I couldn't relate to, and people would get into the same condition when I talk matters they can't get through. I must brush up this social skill somehow or rather if I don't want to be left behind with a tagline forever alone. T.T

Well, insya-Allah, I will be boarding off to Sabah next week with some friends from UiTM. I miss them a lot and they have been rather quiet somehow. Dinas, the leader of this vacation text me a couple of days before asking me to bank in the further dues. I will by tomorrow or the next day. One week away from this notebook will surely bring me to an enormous change.....ermm...a bit maybe. Hopefully I won't wake up late in the morning as I don't wanna miss my flight, Azyan promised to wake me up :D. At least, I have this vacation to refreshen this dull mind of obsessive and excessive thinking. Plus, I MUST NOT FORGET my camera and to set it up right or ending up with no good photos like what happened during Gala Dinner :(

Oh yeah, UiTM is in the collaboration with a Universiti in Makasar Indonesia, called UNHAS to offer a medical program for those with a CGPA of 3.00 above. And there will be a talk on this program on the 10th May at UiTM Shah Alam. I had given my name to Dr Rozana, for a seat for the talk. But I have a bad feeling of not going because my cousin who is also studying at the very university told me that do not go there. It is due to the promises made which left not granted by both Universities regarding the loans and the grading system is also bad. Plus, the place seems conducive-less. I just wish and hope the country will accept me in. 

>>>p/s: At least I have renewed my IC. Bad photo and looks super vulgar with broad fat face and ugly skin tone. But my dad said that's not what matters. What matters is that you have the identification card. ERGHH feel the very worse of myself with unknown reason. I guess I have the -low-self-esteem' syndrome.<<<

I sense the end of it

Hungry, very very hungry. Lunch hour passed, and haven't eaten anything since 11 am. Why? Because basically, today is just another lazy day to go to the kitchen. Probably we will have dinner outside and whatever.

Today is kind of a lonely day. My facebook friend, Miranabila, text me a while ago, telling me her fine condition far away in Egypt. Well, the revolution and demonstration and whatnot are still ongoing in Egypt, but Mira told me that those people won't disturb any foreigners including Malaysians, so they will be safe. Alhamdulillah.

Like I said, a lonely day. I'd love to hang out sometimes, but to think back of THAT plan, well, better not. I probably stay home at best. Because at home, I can reach to the outside world too, via Internet. I can see what my 'friends' are doing, through Facebook and the list goes on. But, trust me kids, being friends with people virtually IS NOT similar to HAVE FRIENDS IN REALITY.

I am much more of a boring person. I talk less when I have exactly nothing to be bragging about. I care-less about any talks that involves dramas or shows on Astro because I barely had watch any since there's no Astro in the house, I got headache when I started to think and care for the world causes thus have nothing to share, and I am quite a lampy which is a new word I learn, given to those who could not understand on jokes very well. I am a slow lamp, yeah that's what it is. 

Because of the circumstances I have like above, I barely had friends whom I can say best friends. And seriously, to think twice of it, I AM RIGHT. I don't even have a friend to mutter and whine and to be stupid with and not to mention to SPEND with this entire holiday. I am not just plainly broke but plainly friendless. Is that really a word;friendless?

Ceh tak bersyukur betulkan? Ahahaha. Well, yeah maybe I am not grateful enough. But this is what I have been sensing every time when holiday comes. Sad isn't it? Who say humans can be alone? Who says humans  are alright without friends? I sometimes ponder what the word friends really mean. 

I had this facebook friend, who pursued TESL in Shah Alam's UiTM. I told him, that whether he recognized my once-upon-a-time best friend whom is a girl, and pursued the same course as he did there. Until up to this one time, this facebook friend, asked me whether I have seen my best friend's performances in one play they did back there in UiTM Shah Alam. I barely answered a plain NO and he went, "What! You haven't seen YOUR BEST FRIEND'S play?" And from that moment, I sensed the end of it. We were childhood friend, more like best friends, who did almost everything together, but destiny somehow or rather brought us to these separate ways. And when one day we went out together again, there's nothing to be talked about, nothing to share, and to conclude, there's nothing more in common. I am a hopeless friend after all. Hahaha.

Then there was one more girl who always a sunshine. She's the only person I know with a lot of confidence even though sometimes she failed in the things she did. She taught me a lot on confidence, and she is a very fun person to be with. After SPM ended, she accompanied me down under to Midvalley for job hunting. Been there for 2 consecutive days for the hunt. Finally she got a job at Dome Cafe and I got one at Robinson. Due to some events, and due to my parents' objections, I didn't go to work with her and she went there alone. I haven't seen her again from that day onwards up till now. She always changes her phone number and probably she is still at matriculation college. So, I sensed the end of her too in some pitiful ways. 

To start with, it's not their fault for making me a loner like now. I am the one who is too helpless and hopeless in building bridges so that the friendship could constantly reconnects. Oh what a dumbo. I did try to change into a better friend, a better talker, a better listener, but perhaps it took a longer time to blossom. 

Not long before everything ends

I used to hate it like hell, but now I am so afraid for the final to appear. 5 more weeks approximately counted, to be more productive and to be more focus for what coming up next. The TEST 2 schedules have been posted at the campus, which starts on 24th February and ended on the 4th March. By 10th March 2011, my colleagues here at PALAM and I of course gonna burn sitting for 3 hours for each paper that we learnt. I am nervous!

5 coupons in hand, need another 3, to just fulfil the 8 compulsory that needed to be collected. My block will hold this event like sukaneka kinda thing on the 12th February and we are expecting 2 coupons from it. Many events held here nowadays, didn't restate anything about coupons provided or alike. Probably, because they are tired of promising and disappointing many of kids like me who always been cheated. Lol. 

Already at the last chapter of Biology, Reproduction. The slides downloaded contain 160 pages, which are damn too many. I hate slides to be exact. But still I need it for easiness and to just reduce the weight of my bag. Chemistry almost came to end of the chapters too. Math got one more to go. And, Physics still tones. I am now learning most on electricity. There are just soooo many formulae that needed to be memorized and understand how to apply them. 

Cut short, I would say I am in a non-comfortable zone. Works undone like always. Sleepy-headness could never getting rid off my body. I miss working out physically like playing badminton but seriously I am too lousy to spare my time for some physical activity. Trans fat has been residing in my body and tissues. I have basically been fatter and bigger, which is a nightmare. Level of confidence drop and all I am thinking off is to go home and curl into a caterpillar. Lol.

things have turned to chaos. and ship has wrecked.

>>p/s: 2011 is soooo adventurous and......sickening. Had a fight with my roommate, can't talk to her. We just don't have mutual vibes. <<<

Sin-Fool

Assalamualaikum dear readers and bloggers whom I rarely meet or whom I NEVER got a chance to meet. Yes, SIN-FOOL is the best title and the best word made up by myself, that could describe how I have been and how life has been.

Test 1 had just ended and for the past 3 days of attending classes, we were given back our test papers and got to know the marks. Only two conditions applied; whether you PASSED the easy paper with a wide smile carved on your face or sighing high for the misery it has brought you with. And, the moment, you were to receive the paper back, was horrifying, more horrifying than doing a bungee jumping.

I have turned into a complete fool for the test 1. I am seriously, an idiotic-over confident person who turned into a SIN-FOOL and couldn't even do a good job for the easiest test. Why GOD? Why? After those moment of burning the midnight oil, after those by hook and crook studies and by those tutorials I managed to finish, I am still stupid? What have got into me?

I failed terribly for Physics and Chemistry and my heart broke into pieces, million or perhaps infinity little pieces when I see those 4 flatters who attained victory that I myself could just have been dreaming of. Over and over, the same 4 flatters gained top spots and I, where am I? Where am I among the 30++ students in the minor group B1? And I supposed I am among the bottom of the rest 1000+++ students of the whole foundation in science here. My comrades who have been sticking to me every now and then, and who have been helping me here and there, had excelled so well. They too did soo perfect, but I? I just merely a failure.

It feels so bad, when people expecting you could be good at things but in the end, you are nothing what they expected to be. It feels terrible when seeing your friends frustrating over their so-good-job paper and you just could feel WORST when seeing your poor-stupid-rated paper. It feels like I just wanna go home and curl into a worm, on the comfy bed at home, trying to reminisce of the bad things I have done till GOD puts me in this spot. 

Perhaps, yes, I have been too confident. I admit that once I saw the questions on kinetics, I was just out of my mind. I can't think, I can't do them well. Yes, I also admit that for Physics something came up to my head, and I lost the my conscious control and focus. I just sat still when Prof Ahmad went nearby, seeing what I wrote down. I was totally out at that time. Only after the test ended, I noticed that I have done so many mistakes. I went home and sent a message to my dear professor, apologizing for the careless mistakes and promise to be more alert next time. T.T

Chemistry Paper was the worst this time. First time ever I failed. I am so weak in naming the compounds and answering the easiest Kinetic questions. Together I have sinned a LOT and becoming a fool. I should have locked myself and muhasabah diri. And my luck is like sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga. Nothing seems working. 

Oh yeah, thanks to my friends for consoling me. Yes, like they said, failing now is a GIFT, so that I can be stronger and better. Failing now doesn't mean I will fail forever. And I don't wanna be an epic failure. Now, my life is at the bottom of the round ball. Besides that, mom kept reminding me to just move on, things happened cannot be rewind. She also said that, I performed better in class but performed poorly when it comes to test. T.T

>>p/s: dinner for asasi is on this saturday. gonna reach there by bus after tough discussion with my comrades, but I just wish that I could drive because in that way it will be a lot easier for us to prepare and to ready for that event. It will be such a troublesome to bring along our dress and getting ready at the SACC with the rest of asasi sains students. heh but better not be pessismistic. Plus, I want to donate my blood so badly but couldn't T.T, and doing data and distribution tutorials just like repeating what I did for SPM 2009 lol<<<

One WORD

malasnyanakbalikPUNCAKALAM!!!

WHY?
1. No constant Internet connection for me, which has been my legal drugs for such a long time

2.No constant supply of nescafe that could make me awake and fresh.

3. No kittens to play with, or to be my remedy during harsh emotional breakdown.

4. No parents to kiss and hug.

5. No T.V that supply me with Gossip Girl and other wonderful series.

and of course

6. No comfortable bedroom with the finest conditioned atmosphere that could make me wake up at 12 pm.:D

When One Important Job ended, Emerge another problem

Hi everyone, or anybody who kindly spend their ample time clinching in this blog. Like everyone knows, the world is not about yourself, but also it is about people around you and the connection between us people with the environment. We do bad, it will fireback at us and vice versa if we do good. =.= crap.

Frankly, I wanna apologize for not being able to post "quality" articles or stories. It's not that I can't post them, but I am really lazy. However, as soon as I found something intriguing in mind, or something that I can brag about, you will definitely find it here, because Internet makes the bonds between us stronger, isn't it? Or is it only me who feel that way? 

Now, it's time to be REALLY like an 18 years old kid. The time when I can finally watch the "forbidden" parts in movies and also the time when I can finally be partially independent. Hooray! wish farewell to SPM and the school, and the stupid uniforms, as well as the annoying rules that you had hated so much in your life. You feel so extravagantly happy and excited. No more schools. But, the life awaits you? Have you guys have really sit down, and think about it? Haven't? Well....that's bad I must say.

Every now and then, people kept asking how did I do in my SPM. How was my result, and that's basically for people who really knows how old am I since I don't look like an 18 year old. =.=. As for me, I don't have that BIG trouble to keep bragging about the result I had in hand, since I managed to get a good one, and that's due to the fact that I did struggle hard to achieve it. 

So do you think the government could help me pursue my higher education after this? A lot of people tell me not to worry. My cousins are now so proud of me, which is a good thing. They are very confident, that I can get a scholarship or alike. But, will this be a reality for now? Maybe if I were the one who got this result 3 years back, I would definitely sitting in the sit for scholarships. But, now everything is still faded. Nothing seems to be of higher percentage to be realized. The competition for the scholarships and loans are getting to proliferate, meaning, I only have less than 40% of getting the chance. To be frank, this is a sad fact of life, that somehow or rather I must accept. 

Kickstarting with MARA and JPA, both of these I am not eligible for since I didn't reach to the minimum requirement. Ah...too bad, it's just because of one subject and there goes my chance. I am not even eligible for yayasan Khazanah's scholarship even though it won't be sponsoring medicine. For now, all I could do is pray. Is it Russia will be the place for me after this to really pursue medicine like I badly wanted? Or should I just finished up another mess of 3 months of foundation then continue studying in the country? It's so a dilemma. It feels like the result I had, was like almost nothing to be smiled about. (wOAH! That's so negative)

Nevertheless, my parents promised to help me with this. At the same time, feeling like I've been a burden that hardly give them anything in return. It feels bad, and indescribable. Maybe this is not what I should have been thinking about, but it just been stabbing me in the brain for ages. Anyhow, I have an advice for the juniors of mine, please do good in your studies, because these days, you're not only demanded to do good, but to be the best among the best. Don't procrastinate!!

Sorry cikgu:(

I sat on my fluffy bed, and stared at the MUST LIST I made when I was in form 4. The list stated, "I must get 11 A1's in all the subjects for SPM 2009" well that was before I made up my mind to take principle of accountancy. The 11 subjects I meant, included Biology.

It has been about 7 hours now since I left the school. I have been thinking too much and my head will explode in any second. What have been playing in my head was Biology, B for Biology. Why oh why? Why must it be B for the most intriguing paper I have encountered? Why must the most important paper flunk? Who should be blamed? And, if there is someone to be blamed, what's the benefit after all?

"Kalau dapat A untuk Biology, call cikgu yer!" This was the last word from Mrs Shela, my biology teacher. She moved to Sabah during SPM last year. I to be frank, was really confident with Biology. I was sure that one day, I could call Mrs Shela and brag about the shiny A for the very Biology paper. Sadly, the truth had revealed. No A for Biology, so shut!

It happened that I didn't have any reason to call dear Mrs Shela. I was afraid that I would ruin her day. She was really hoping to see the shiny A from us, her students. However, Allah knows better. HE has his own reason for doing this. Keep our faith up high! (kept telling me this over and over).

Suddenly, the phone rang. "DAYANA!!!" a scream came across. I knew it was from dearly Mrs Shela. "CIKGU!!" I replied, almost burst into tears. 

mrs. shela: macam mana boleh dapat B ni! Sedih cikgu. 

moi: Saya lagi sedih! Biology B!

mrs shela: tu laa...cikgu frust sangat. Tak senang duduk. Cikgu betul2 ingat u all boleh dapat A.

moi: Saya pun harap benda yang sama. Nak call cikgu pun tak sampai hati. Dah kecewakan cikgu!

mrs. shela: cikgu pun fikir apa salah cikgu. Ikutkan trial lagi susah!~ Haih...apa la kamu ni.

moi: cikgu tak salah apa2. Kami yang tak jawab dengan baik. Tapi serious, paper tu senang kami rasa. Tak la teruk macam trial. Tapi....B je...

mrs. shela: dulupun sama, ada budak dapat lain A1 tapi bio A2. Agaknya cikgu yang marking paper kamu strict kot.

moi: entahlaah...mungkin. Mak saya pun cakap benda yang sama. 

Sekarang nak apply JPA pun susah. 

mrs shela: ala....takpelaah. Ada hikmah sebalik semua ni. Kamu apply je semua, takyah ragu2. Mane tau ada rezeki.

moi: yup. tu la. saya akan apply. tapi sorry cikgu, dah hampakan cikgu. tu yang tak call cikgu tadi. rasa bersalah.

mrs shela: cikgu pun tak senang duduk selagi tak call kamu. tunggu kamu cool dulu, baru cikgu call ni. Haha.

moi: susah nak cool. Agaknya esok baru cool kot.

mrs shela: dah! sekarang, baik fikirkan masa depan. Jangan fikirkan benda yang dah lepas. Cikgu akan sentiasa doakan untuk kamu:)

moi: betul2... oh! terima kasih cikgu....

well...it was so sweet of her for reminding me. So sweet for having time to call me and talk and mend this broken heart. I love her. But, I disappointed her. How's that going to be fine? 

SPM oh SPM dah selesai !

Bagi kawan-kawan dan para sahabat, yer mari kite bergembira sebab dah habis dah sejarah yang bernama SPM dalam hidup kite. Tanggal pukul 12 tengah hari tadi, kalau kat sekolah aku laa... semua kawan aku dah berdiri tegak kat kantin sekolah. Aku pulak datang awal tadi dengan Chiam, macam yang dah dirancang dua hari lebih awal. Menyesal datang awal, sebab bosan tunggu lama. Tapi, lepas dah borak dengan junior pengawas, aku habaq kat Chiam, "Jom pi library!"

Chiam apa lagi, setuju je. Lagipun dia memang ex-librarian. Memang port die kat situ masa muda-muda (sekolah) dulu. Masuk je library, jumpalah dengan orang kuat library, Datin Rukiah Hashim. Seperti biasa, Datin ni bagi lecture kat aku. Aku pun dengar je la. Dia tahu aku sedang belajar, untuk jadi doktor kat private college, tapi dia sedih sebab aku buat keputusan untuk buat medic kat Russia.

"Ish, kenapa dengan kamu ni....kenapa nak buat kat sana? Cikgu ada banyak dengar cerita Universiti kat sana tak diiktiraf. Kenapa tak pergi UK, atau Ukraine (sambil suruh aku add sorang mamat nama Ananthakumar kat facebook)".

Seperti biasa, itulah yang aku jangkakan. Cliche' bagi seorang guru. Aku diam je la. Bila aku bagitau pasal my agent ada inform pasal kebaikan belajar kat sana, dia terus kate "Buat ape tanya dia?"

Aku diam je. Malas nak bertekak. Lagipun sejak subuh tak jamah apa2 mahupun minum apa2. Tak selera. Temporary without appetite. Aku lepak dalam library lebih kurang sejam. Jumpa dengan lagi junior aku yang sengal dan berlagak, tapi best diorang ni, respect senior macam aku. Ngeh3

"JOM TURUN" Chiam pun dah mula bosan kat library. Turun sahaja ke tingkat bawah menuju ke kantin, aku boleh lihat para guru sedang sibuk susun slip keputusan SPM kami. Gulp. Berdebar. Zikir banyak2 dalam hati. Chiam pulak nampak relaks macam biasa. 

Di susur gajah hampir sampai ke kantin, cikgu Physics masa form 4 datang menerpa. 

"Dayana, tahniah! Tapi awak dapat B untuk Biology" sambil buat muka serius. 

Aku terkesima. Berapa aku dapat? 

Boleh dikatakan aku bersyukur sangat2 sebab dapat jugak dapat 11 A. Tapi, terkejut ya amat, prinsip akaun boleh dapat A-??? Serious, masa exam, aku rasa akaun yang paling susah, biology yang paling senang. How come??? Memang masih tak dapat terima kenyataan!

Hakikatnya, aku kena terima the fact that I did get a B for Biology. Masalahnya, matlamat aku dah terpesong. Aku nak buat medic, biology pulak B, susah nak dapat scholarship macam ni. Guru-guru pun cakap perkara yang sama. Mereka suruh aku relaks. Tak payah fikir banyak-banyak. Tapi apa guna berada dalam kelas sains tulen, kalau Biology tak dapat A. (Mungkin aku fikir terlalu banyak), tapi seriously, aku macam tak percaya. Satu lagi, tiada sesiapa pun dalam antara kami 17 orang yang ambik biology dapat A untuk subjek ni. Pelik bukan? Kebanyakan dapat B+ termasuklah aku. Kalau A- pun dah baik..:(

Apa pun, this is what we call LIFE. Benda yang kita jangka tak jadi, tapi miracle pulak datang. The bad news ialah aku dapat B+ je untuk Biology, sedangkan aku memerlukan A untuk apply JPA or MARA. The good news is aku dapat sijil LCCI. Mungkin ada gunanya sijil ni pada masa hadapan. Memang Allah nak bagi aku jadi macam ayah aku, akaun dapat A. Ngeh3.

Tahniah lah kepada rakan-rakan sekolej yang dapat straight A's, Ammar Nina, Aida dan Zaki Anwar. Tidak dilupakan juga kepada Fahmi Faisal, congrats jadi best student! And not to mention, Naqib Ahmad Alawi, for getting 10A+ terer tu!!~ Apply la kalian untuk program ijazah luar negara JPA or MARA =.=

p/s: Feeling devastated upon seeing the condition "U must gain at least A- for 9 subjects including Biology" in the application of JPA and MARA.

Physics...gives heart attack

mamamia! today, I had Physics, the first lesson this morning. And like what Puan Suzita had promised, she granted it today. The physic test on Chapter 4, namely Heat (*is it chapter 4 or 5*?)....

yesterday, after rushing home, I quickly open up my physic reference book, which almost look like a tempoyak now (*meaning: extremely bad-looking*). I studied the chapter 5 heat, and it ain't easy I tell u, what is heat capacity, thermal equilibrium, specific latent heat, gas laws, charles' law, Boyle's Law and Pressure Law?? Have mind on tht?

So, what the teacher asked us kids to do was easy and simple. Do the objective questions in the reference book and then, today, just this morning she did a little test. We were all have to stand still, and either one of us, have to answer a question, and explain why we get the answer like what we got. Haha...I, of coz, to be safe, chose the easiest one, but still had to show the calculation on the board, about how to find heat capacity.

Actually, it was nothing, from the lesson, I guaranteed that everyone of us, gets something useful. We can use the formula of heat easily now. And we know the type of questions that will always come out during SPM. So, this way of learning is actually more fun, and efficient, rather than writing notes and notes...until we have to buy pens almost every week.