hopeless and inferior complex

It took me a while to adapt to the situation I am living in now. Situation full of insecurities will lead you to lots of confusion on your perception of life and on the fact whether you can stay put with all the obstacles and the ridges  that you have to overcome through.

I am actually mad at myself for not enjoying and try to feel content of what Allah had been given me. Especially to the opportunity to go to Pre-med at UiTM Shah Alam. I admit being there is one of my many dreams, and it had been granted. The only problem is it will not secure my feet to do medicine. 

Sometimes, I ponder and reflect in front of the mirror, searching for my in and out confidence to stay strong and at put as well as trying to BELIEVE I can do this. I can be a doctor, and even more a specialist one day. UiTM medical school won't just be producing doctors but specialists, and that is genuinely it's motto told by 'our' dean, Dr Khalid Yusof, the Father of UiTM Medical Faculty.

To be frank, for this exactly 2 weeks staying at Shah Alam, was terrifying. The only thing that would made me feel relaxing is seeing my roommates who happened to be amazing braniacs! The living place now is just okay but worse to compare with the previous Puncak Alam, and had somehow made me realize BIG how lucky to be part of Puncak Alam's campus once upon a time.

Doing SGS with the other 9 or 10 brainiacs gives inspiration and the urge to work extra hard to find any information related to the topic we were about to discuss, the scenarios that needed us to explain why they happened, how the happened, genuinely all the mechanisms starting as early as from the brain and down to all the nerves and the organs, the hormones, the cycles of ATP production and all the parts of organs involves in the scenes discussed. I on the other hand, was superbly an infant thinker. Who will search for the information-but lack of deeper explanation. In medicine, there's nothing call SIMPLEST explanation. Every thing must be in every little detail-even to microscopic detail I'll tell you. So...one word now: FRIGHTENING but at the same time, it is fun- more like the feeling of being part of Dr House, Dr Chase and Dr Cameron and Dr Bald and Black during discussion.

Books and lots of books to discover. But, I am the laziest person on Earth, who can feel extremely sleepy by just seeing how thick the books are. I have to change. I must choose to change. And due to the fact of laziness, most of what I jotted down inside my notebook come to a complete trash. Useless. The saddest part of all, to borrow books from the library was 'impossible'-almost impossible because I lost the asasi matriculation card. Had to rely on several friends, to get some books - and I haven't explore them yet. T.T

Lectures were the most relaxing part-sitting back, enjoy all the many dialects and pronunciations from different lecturers from various continents. My favourite would be Dr Hisham from Iraq and the least from Myanmar, whereby it was hard time to 'understand' what the heck she said. Lecture notes were almost useless. Most of the words in there, are hard to read. The seniors highlighted their notes, let us photocopied and now thanks a lot for the small font and hard-to-read notes. T.T

Em and yesterday the 10th June, USM result was out. Laboratories were crowded with laughter and the joyous kids who already secured a place at the very university far away at Kelantan. My neighbour at UiTM-the Kelantanese twins and also one of their vogue friends already parted away to Kelantan and quit the program. What staying is for anyway if you already have a place there and it's so near to your hometown? Right?

Happy for the twins and the vogue friends, or should I say all the 4 flatters who managed to secure a place there. It's an embark towards a brighter future - compared to us here who still stuck doing pre medicine. Hahaha. And my roommate, Aini who also got a place at USM, I just wish she rejected the offer. She has been my closest friend at Pre-Med. Please God, let her stay :')

Frankly, all in all, Pre-medicine wasn't as fun as I first thought it would. It feels scary seeing rivalries rushing doing researches and borrowing thick books and already sketching the various organs and start to remember the parts and all. It's a boredom sometimes whereby all you have is some place looks like pasar malam and some shops selling foods around. And it hurts when you noted with the quote; Beauty fades but Dumb is forever, and yes, I am dumb and never beautiful. T.T

>>>p/s: Thinking of 'involving' into Primary Care Medicine/General Practitioner like Dr Farnaza who we met during the Early Clinical Exposure (ECE) at KK Sungai Buloh. And still in doubt to become a doctor sometimes, even though I know I have no idea of what to become other than this.<<<

Be a Fan