Flowing Water

As the smooth river flows, without halt, till Allah Taala says so, due to drought; did we see the resemblance that we could follow with the flowing river water?

Istiqomah. Another Arabic word I started learning after I joined tarbiyyah. Simply means, continuity in doing our deeds for the deen. Seems easy? Nope it's not.

Being a woman, as for me, I tend to have the phase where I feel very lazy to do my ibadah, and that reckons me that my period of the month will come any minute. But soon after a week of 'break', after the crying of the uterus, suddenly the phase of rejuvenation comes in twine.

You see, our weak hearts are getting weakened by so many forces. By human forces, by environmental forces as well as physiological forces. We thus really in need of Allah, of his mighty words to keep us stand still, stand rigid. If this doesn't happen, guess what will happen? We might dwell with excessive unnecessary thoughts on loneliness, on boredom. But life never is lonely. We have Allah. And the Holy Book, The Quran. But the thing is do we really realize of this?

One method that I found that we should practice is to read, scan, and skim the Quran at least once a day. Come on! If some of us can actually take a big thick novel to read in just a day, why don't we take reading Quran as a habit? Every time after each of our daily five-times prayer? And every good did needs an initiation. Within ourselves, all we have to do, is to push. Set our negative thinking aside and just started doing. Once you gain momentum, voi'la it's becoming easier inshaAllah:)

Istiqomah in waking up early. Also one of my mujahadah. There are so many things we can do once we wake up as early birds. You would able to perform your obligation, the Subuh prayer. You could also wake up for tahajjud if you woke up earlier, you can then strengthening your physique by going to the gym, you can do your laundry, you can cook breakfast, you can perform your dhuha prayer....gosh, the list of things we can do once we wake up early is just endless. I often have hard time waking up early. After subuh, I return to dreamland because the bed is so much a distraction. But after waking up, the feeling of regret is just so big that it halted me to do things I feel I wanna do. At least, nowadays, paying for gym had made me easier to wake up early. At least. This also needs istiqomah. May Allah help me!

A senior has been living and sleeping with me during her study week recently. She saw me burning the midnight oil but still can still wake up early. So she asked me the tip. I told her this: JUST WAKE UP! One day I watched this video from Saudi Arabia in youtube, showing how the shaithon who is beside us, will whisper not to wake up for Fajr Prayer. Wow. That video is really freaking me out hahaha! So just wake up once your alarm rings. Just fight the bad whisperer! But right now I am again facing the problem. Wonder why so tired lately though :(

Istiqomah in becoming the 'superdaie', becoming the one who can bring Islam to another level, in other words the Muslims who give momentum to dakwah is harder. Because to start dakwah, we are doing it in troops, in a group. We need a whole set of togetherness, we need to really understand the concept of ukhwah, being good to each other who are in the same path as us, but as time goes by; it's hard to be husnozon. Husnuzon, means to ONLY think the best of others. What they do, what they say; you must think of no evil. Even if you do, you must then istighfar. But trust me, we are humans, and we do prejudice. We make assumptions, and to be a good daie' is how far you can resist those evil whispers. I am trying hard. So just keep praying that we all can resist the nastiness of the worldly evils. 

And just today, in a session of usrah, the leader of my group was feeling a bit down. Because one of our member who already knew we had a sitting session; went for a movie instead. Peer pressure that is. But then, who to be blamed? I mean we are now adults. We can think what best for us. But my leader (naqibah) kept thinking that because our usrah is a bore that made another member feels it's okay to skip the sitting for a movie. It was a stern long hour of discussion. I hate stern discussion but it feels sad, when our own naqibah is starting to becoming disheartened. It's so hard when every body just loses their momentum. But what should we do now? What should I do? 

Being in another level; whereby we wanna get closer to Allah. To becoming HIS agent for dakwah is certainly not a mere task. It needs perseverance and a lot of patience. We lack of these. Also, we lack of the sense of Ukhwah; togetherness. We judge a lot. We judge if someone prefer to not go for a sitting once, that her heart might has mislead. Or she might have gone wrong somewhere in her mind. We lack of Husnuzon; thinking of just the best of others. And we tend to only treat our other sisters who are in the dakwah path good, but when one of them do not want to join; we tend to treat her like a stranger. And what is this??? I am seeing all these. Plus, we lack the sense of humanity when we speak. We aren't cautious enough while we speak. We hurt others without we realize. 

We go for daurah/long journey of sisters meeting without telling others the purpose; we put exclamation on their heads rather than telling our true intention. We are basically making Islam a very hard religion. A very complex part of life. Somehow this is really what I see these days. Somehow or rather this is why; we lack of attraction as sisters/brothers in Islam in portraying the best Islamic view towards our peers, towards people around us. We lack of that virtue. Now reflect. Before giving others words of tarbiyah; set our mind, am I good enough to preach? Am I good enough for people to really understand Islam through me? If people see me, would they say that I am a good Muslim? Play people's hearts are best with characters. But yet; we keep thinking what we did are good enough. The answer is always a NO. In dakwah, there's never good enough. Because it's never as easy. 

>>p/s: Before blaming others for not understand, for not understanding our so called 'Priority for the Deen'; lets together reflect the mistakes we had made and thoroughly correcting them. Wallahualam<<

Thousand-miles

I frankly took this from Dr Zoul's blog. And this is what I want to be exactly. Professional in the eyes of my patients and society, but at home I will live in a wrecked-ship. 

To say that I am certainly ready for all the outcomes, and the consequences, it would be all lies. You see, once you are entitled with medical school, your life would be different, no matter how your brain makes you think you are the same person.

For instance, my schoolmates are planning on a reunion. Reunion for being 20. Due to the fact that I am actually far from home, deters me to join, apart from not having Chiam beside me. And 5 years away from all those friends and families can make you crazy. Now I know the benefit of studying locally.

Mom on the other hand will always hoping that I study almost 24/7. But I actually have brain-clot somewhere. I encounter this terrible instance memory loss and I cannot persist long-term memory well enough to stuck all these block lectures in my head. Somewhere in my body or brain is lacking of something. I don't know what it is, that's the main problem. Even now, I always prone to have the family or friends to chat with through Skype so that I won't be that homesick. Deactivating facebook is my long thought decision as to make my family realizes that they have to tune up to Skype to 'see' me from far.

In the other 10 years, when I finally start working for the government, people would think I work for money mostly. Plucking money from the tree, to and fro to the hospital and come back home with sleepless nights, this would be a daily routine. Working hard and tired and almost losing a mind can't never be compensated with a high wage. Mind is always priceless and come prior to get the healthy doctor on duty.

To reflect back, what I think I do is acting like Dr House. The cynical but brilliant fake doctor tonnes have watched over the past 8 seasons if I am not mistaken. Frankly speaking, during pre-med, heck yeah I thought I am almost like Dr House. Even reading the Embryo or glancing at the ATLAS, I finally think that I have somehow surpass the world of dumb to the world of geniuses. But, deep down inside, I only fantasize myself and my surroundings. The more I know, the more I don't know.

At home, the real situation is very upsetting. You will get back wearing the pyjamas, heating up the water to make a cup of coffee for the trillions time for the week, and consume your meals, but then again, it often comes out to me that I become confused on what I should give focus to. Like which topic should I master first, or which subject should I give prior to. Sometimes, in the middle of walking to and fro, in the room, I always stop for a sec and becoming blank of not knowing what to do. It's like muscle stiffness and some cerebellar disease or something. 

Books and books are lovely. Soulmates for this journey to begin with. I love my books but are so hard to let the knowledge from them got intact to the memory. Why? Is it because of the food I consume? Is it because I no longer get the 'saint' pure food from home or mom home-made dishes? Maybe. Or maybe because I get rid of the habit of eating raisins and drinking zam-zam water from my daily consumption, just because I cannot get them right here? Probably....but to speak aloud: Where the heck is my brain power?

Answering selanjar 2, isn't as smooth as it was during selanjar 1. I don't know what happened, but what I know is I don't quite get the input from what I studied. This is sad. Is it because I am more prone of believing that I would look stupid after have studied but unable to score the high marks? Maybe because I want to brag about the marks rather that I focus on the knowledge I'd get? It's hard.

I am in the dilemma of getting the right strategy to get back the brain power. How to get all these into the brain. How to remember the pictures in the atlas? How to understand easily the concept of physiology and the names of enzymes in Biochemistry? 

The person who I am now, is a person who is not longer the person whom I used to be. I certainly have some problem in the body but I don't know what it is. Hermmm.....the agony...

hopeless and inferior complex

It took me a while to adapt to the situation I am living in now. Situation full of insecurities will lead you to lots of confusion on your perception of life and on the fact whether you can stay put with all the obstacles and the ridges  that you have to overcome through.

I am actually mad at myself for not enjoying and try to feel content of what Allah had been given me. Especially to the opportunity to go to Pre-med at UiTM Shah Alam. I admit being there is one of my many dreams, and it had been granted. The only problem is it will not secure my feet to do medicine. 

Sometimes, I ponder and reflect in front of the mirror, searching for my in and out confidence to stay strong and at put as well as trying to BELIEVE I can do this. I can be a doctor, and even more a specialist one day. UiTM medical school won't just be producing doctors but specialists, and that is genuinely it's motto told by 'our' dean, Dr Khalid Yusof, the Father of UiTM Medical Faculty.

To be frank, for this exactly 2 weeks staying at Shah Alam, was terrifying. The only thing that would made me feel relaxing is seeing my roommates who happened to be amazing braniacs! The living place now is just okay but worse to compare with the previous Puncak Alam, and had somehow made me realize BIG how lucky to be part of Puncak Alam's campus once upon a time.

Doing SGS with the other 9 or 10 brainiacs gives inspiration and the urge to work extra hard to find any information related to the topic we were about to discuss, the scenarios that needed us to explain why they happened, how the happened, genuinely all the mechanisms starting as early as from the brain and down to all the nerves and the organs, the hormones, the cycles of ATP production and all the parts of organs involves in the scenes discussed. I on the other hand, was superbly an infant thinker. Who will search for the information-but lack of deeper explanation. In medicine, there's nothing call SIMPLEST explanation. Every thing must be in every little detail-even to microscopic detail I'll tell you. So...one word now: FRIGHTENING but at the same time, it is fun- more like the feeling of being part of Dr House, Dr Chase and Dr Cameron and Dr Bald and Black during discussion.

Books and lots of books to discover. But, I am the laziest person on Earth, who can feel extremely sleepy by just seeing how thick the books are. I have to change. I must choose to change. And due to the fact of laziness, most of what I jotted down inside my notebook come to a complete trash. Useless. The saddest part of all, to borrow books from the library was 'impossible'-almost impossible because I lost the asasi matriculation card. Had to rely on several friends, to get some books - and I haven't explore them yet. T.T

Lectures were the most relaxing part-sitting back, enjoy all the many dialects and pronunciations from different lecturers from various continents. My favourite would be Dr Hisham from Iraq and the least from Myanmar, whereby it was hard time to 'understand' what the heck she said. Lecture notes were almost useless. Most of the words in there, are hard to read. The seniors highlighted their notes, let us photocopied and now thanks a lot for the small font and hard-to-read notes. T.T

Em and yesterday the 10th June, USM result was out. Laboratories were crowded with laughter and the joyous kids who already secured a place at the very university far away at Kelantan. My neighbour at UiTM-the Kelantanese twins and also one of their vogue friends already parted away to Kelantan and quit the program. What staying is for anyway if you already have a place there and it's so near to your hometown? Right?

Happy for the twins and the vogue friends, or should I say all the 4 flatters who managed to secure a place there. It's an embark towards a brighter future - compared to us here who still stuck doing pre medicine. Hahaha. And my roommate, Aini who also got a place at USM, I just wish she rejected the offer. She has been my closest friend at Pre-Med. Please God, let her stay :')

Frankly, all in all, Pre-medicine wasn't as fun as I first thought it would. It feels scary seeing rivalries rushing doing researches and borrowing thick books and already sketching the various organs and start to remember the parts and all. It's a boredom sometimes whereby all you have is some place looks like pasar malam and some shops selling foods around. And it hurts when you noted with the quote; Beauty fades but Dumb is forever, and yes, I am dumb and never beautiful. T.T

>>>p/s: Thinking of 'involving' into Primary Care Medicine/General Practitioner like Dr Farnaza who we met during the Early Clinical Exposure (ECE) at KK Sungai Buloh. And still in doubt to become a doctor sometimes, even though I know I have no idea of what to become other than this.<<<

Tuesday: No class

Tuesday, which is today, the 7th day of Ramadan, seeing me inside the dorm looking sluggish as I just woke up from a sleep peek-a-boo. Have a bad body ache and rashes all around the hands and legs. Why does this happens? 

It's a miracle to know that for now on, I might do not have to go to the campus, since there's no class on Tuesday. Yay! But, the joy ends quickly when I notice how boring it is to stay alone in the house, and the housemates are all out there, studying and rushing here and there. *Bunyi Cengkerik*

Opps. I have just realised, the day cannot be occupied with too much enjoyment and leisure when Physics tutorials haven't been completed and so does mathematics. Two subjects which are tough to be mastered by me. Before this, I thought I have good hands in numbers but for now, maybe I am not. *Sigh* 

Dina's housemate wanted me to teach her Physics on Torques, which I made a quick gulp of fear. I myself have hard time to master that chapter and now to teach someone else is like 'a crab teaching its kids to walk' right? I wonder why Dina keep thinking that I am good at Physics, because the truth is Physics still is like something that needed more attention and yeah, no more word can describe it rather than being 'DIFFICULT'. 

Now, even when the Internet connection is of the best speed, I can still feel bored, because everything I wanted to see in the web has been blocked by websense. Even when I wanna watch online tv, the videos keep buffering as if it doesn't want to play. I hate this. I am also waiting for a reply from Prof Ahmad, regarding a question I have doubt with. And, now nothing else I can do rather than typing while bleeds on this keyboard, just to show people here how frequent I am when it comes to updating the blog. At least, you people who kindly follow my blog, won't turned out to have question marks on where is the blogger, and at least you will know that I am still survive, and just live normally like normal kid should do. Am I making sense here?

Plus, if you wonder why I rarely put any photos of my endeavors lately, just note that I don't really have good photos to show you guys. Being at Puncak Alam is not as great as I always thought it would be. Being a university student, isn't as fun as I wanted it to be and being here, has nothing to do, what more during Ramadan. Here is a place of studying is like a journal of your life. Activities are of worst and non attractive, so what else can I say and what more can I do rather than live to the fullest, and just breath in and out while I can here, and finished off the 2 semesters before I can go further for another phase of my life. Till then, toodles!

What does it feel to be a DAD?

Assalamualaikum peeps...

Again this monday, is somehow relaxing, I am done with today's physics and chemistry. Nothing funny nor intriguing happened, just the same-usual Mondays, the day where all the boys here looked smashing in their tucked in shirts with a tie, and black-shiny bally shoes. Hahaha:) My friends and I played 'flirt' in lecture hall, peeping which and who is the most handsome, and cute among them all. xD *gatal naaa* (Whatever:))

For the past weekends, it was Father's Day. A day barely called it, to celebrate a man called father, or dad. But for me it's for my beloved PAPA. Well, maybe it sounded childish to call my father papa, at this age, but to call him PAPA, reminding me of becoming his first baby girl again whom used to be in his cuddles, who used to play soccer with him, before my brother was born and who used to be his sweetheart. Haha.

I do not know exactly how does it feel to be a father. How does it feel hold the responsibility of taking good care of the kids, handling and knowing their essentials, work hard to pay for everything and so many other responsibility on his shoulder. A dad therefore must be the forth or fifth person, to be loved after mom. FIRST until THIRD, MOM is the one who needs the most attention, then it came to DAD. 

I remembered the day when I cried meticulously thinking of the fact that I will not be going to Russia to pursue medicine, since I got an offer from UiTM. Dad was the one who told me with his softest tone,

"Sorry darling, that I can't granted your wish. Maybe you want to be like me, studying abroad, but trust me, locally is much more better"

I admit I hurt my father a lot these days by muttering these and that, couldn't let go of my safe zone, taking him for granted, treating him bad, by raising my voice, sulk and so many things which obviously showed my weakness. I also being too demanding by asking these and that showing my disrespectful whatsoever. To cut it short, DAD! I've sinned! Maybe my dad and I do have some arguments since we do not share the same opinions and etc, but I believed, the difference between him and I is the factor which makes our relationship as father and daughter strengthen. Thanks daddy or papa for everything you've done for me! 

It just feel like it was school again:|

Hey, I don't think blogging would bring me anywhere, if I kept on posting the same thing. Seriously, I lack of ideas, I lack of subjects that would attract any of my readers. Sigh. So here once again, what will u here from me is my hanky panky life back here in Puncak Alam.

People mostly put their reasons for not going to Matriculation because they said, it would be tough back there. Perhaps? But, if it was tough, how come, even those with poor results got to go to Matriculation, and still they can say it was fine there? Or do people think being a university's student is so much fun? Well, I just couldn't get any of its fun. For me everything seems undefined, blurred, confusing, and at the same time tiring.

The real life of being a foundation students only came to a realize the these days. Starting with tons of lab reports to be submitted, where we have to do research to find the solutions, where we have to gather until late at night to make something came to final point of the answer and where we study like mad dog to make sure our reports are acceptable. Reports are the toughest thing I find here in university, since I am not YET a person who can co-operate very well, not YET a person who can actually tell people what I have in mind unless we are close enough and not YET find ease to mingle with people here. Yeah, probably I might be a slow poke when it comes to networking unless we have so many things in common to talk about. >.< Thankfully, I did manage to get some good friends, who some of them I met online, like Naqib and Rina, however, in a fortnight, Naqib will leave UiTM for good, since he will pursue medicine in India. Seriously, I am envying him:( At least Rina is here, which I think it's comfortable to be around her.

 For example for lab chemistry, the group representative is my permanently partner, whom I can't get along so well, so making me having hard times during laboratory report preparation. It's so hard to be the one, who keep on thinking for ideas for others.....I can't be somebody else's pillows.....gee....



____________________________________________________________________________________

So, yeah, my partner is the one I can't cooperate with, which I myself don't know why? I am so pessimistic am I? I supposed to do discussion with her regarding the experiment we did last monday, but I ignored it, since I actually thought I could do mine alone T.T. When it comes to disliking a certain person, sometimes, no reasons are needed :(

I just finished mathematics tutorials on function, which I thought was easy, but SERIOUSLY it was tough. I think I took lectures on function just for granted, and didn't actually focused during the lectures. Now, blaming myself for being ignorant. I took the whole day finishing it off.

Oh shoot! Feeling extremely unsatisfied with what I've done these days...like something is missing...

Facebook has been blocked?? NO!

I am so frustrated, why? Because, my physics lab report isn't completed, and I haven't study anything for mathematic quiz which is tomorrow, and I haven't finished my physics tutorial on scalars and vectors. Boo! me..for being lazy and somehow or rather, in the holiday mood >.<

this kitty is frustrated just like I do...zzzz

At night should have been the best time to you know cyber networking, or let me get it straight, the facebook? Who doesn't know facebook must be some kinda...erkk...I can't type it down. But, apparently, the environment I am facing here, in the campus restricted me from being a night cyber walker. >.<, since most of the girls here, study at night like there will be the biggest exam for the next day, and using the ethernet yellow cable, also making me hard to come online, which has been my drug, due to the fact that I can only use the cable at my roommate's table. So at night, she will be using her table to study, and you can imagine how my heart scream for an internet walkabout. GEEE....I am sick, am I?

Class or lecture starts late at 10.30 a.m today, which definitely means I can use the lappy for an internet surfing. The first thing on my mind was of course facebook! Ahhh...I quickly got into an email, and saw a lot of messages from that facebook of mine, click it and.....FACEBOOK got blocked!!!

Facebook is blocked! Shoot!

Can you just believed it? I don't mind if they wanna block youtube, cucirca or other porn sources, but facebook? Come on! Maybe they just want to get rid of students who tend to start playing truant and got online on facebook? Perhaps so...but this is so irrelevant....

Now, living here is like "making learning, studying and discussion your lifestyle" T.T But why am I muttering? I was the one who wants to pursue my studies to be a medical doctor? This is only the beginning....however, I can't let go of my life....I can't study 24/7....argh!


Ah shoot, there's no use of crying or muttering now, better get ready to lecture...and starting the day with some good moments here in Puncak Alam:)

I will change, but my heart won't

Its sad when people started questioning about how bad we have become. How serious we have become. One thing I realised about myself, is that I haven't been a normal teen girl that I am supposed to be. I never tend to push myself to have fun like any normal girls by my age. That's true.

In the mere intense, of trying to work harder to get ready for trial examination and SPM itself, I might have forgotten some important aspects related to my social behaviour or my attitude towards people especially my friends at school. I don't have many friends, as far as I know, I just have several who are really good with me, since primary school. I try to be friendly, at least I tried. But perhaps, some ways of mine in approaching people might as well be thought negatively by others.

A couple of weeks earlier, I scolded Russell for being rude. It was a very spontaneous thing that I did. I never like to scold people especially when it involves people in school. He was being sarcastic like he always does, and I regret for saying bad things and scolded him that day. That was his normal gesture, I can't change that. I was supposed to know that. Maybe Eliza felt bad about that too, and I am here writing this post to say sorry from the bottom of my heart. You guys are people with your unique gestures, I shouldn't have questioned about that.

Friends become annoyed over me a couple days ago. They said I am too serious over things. I never played like how they played. I seldom laugh over their jokes, and with that they got annoyed. They blamed for my criticsms against them that I posted last year. I am sorry for all that. I may be too serious, but deep down, I just like you guys, wishing to have fun, wishing to play childishly, wishing to do crazy things that we should do by this age. Oh god! Why it is so hard for me to be like them.

To be frank, I am actually learning to love myself in order to love others. However, as far as I know, the more I tried to love myself, I hate myself even worst. I blamed for bad things happened for the past years. I never satisfied. That's the problem. Hah whatever it is, ONE thing I hope is that for people accept me for what I am.

I am grateful but something is wrong again...

Grateful to Allah Almighty for letting me obtained 10 As in my recent mid year's exam, and the first place in science stream form four. My parents were proud of course, just they didnt know how to show their "proudness" I guess especially my dad whom was so quiet during the open day last friday, till I think I was the one who became the parent and he became me....

Alright July striked the moon. In July, there will be no opportunity to have a slight rest, busy the whole months with school programmes and homeworks. Yeah, yesterday, I was almost being punished by Puan Suzi because I didnt completed my notes on Bahasa Melayu Literature. Fortunately, I succeeded in distracting her from checking my notes, if not, God, I'll be returing home with a slight red face of shame.

This whole week, I feel something wrong in the class. I couldn't be complaining on the matter of no friends to talk to, because Chiam, Chris, Mimi and others were occupying with me happily. But, then, something missing I felt. The desk beside me was emptied. Huda, who was supposely to be sitting next to me, grab the empty place beside Christina's. I have some problem with her.

This happened due to my foolish-kidly manner during our weekend game of badminton on last Saturday. I was suddenly taking seriousy the matter that they didnt let me play, although that was not true. So on that day, I "merajuk" or sulking like a baby. Maybe Huda was tired of my boresom attitude and so she decided to just let me be.

The next Monday, I thought she is okay, but I was wrong. She didnt uttered a word to me and in science classes, she happily went to go to the back table, whereas her place was next to mine. I saw her happily making jokes and laughing with the other girls in class and she didnt even bother about me. When I asked her some questions, she just say yes and no. I was like talking to a mere mute person. Or did she even knew or notice that I am exist.

I tried to share this problem with Mimi, but she said, Huda is fine now, and that she has regained her normal feeling towards me. However, I didnt see any truth in that statement. Until today, our friendship was looking like an almost sinking big titanic ship. What is my fault? What have I done? I want to reminisce them all but I couldnt.

I hate this situation where good friend of ours suddenly pulling themself out of our window. She treated me like I wasnt exist.....