Doa isn't a wish they told us. In Islam, we have been upbringing to the fact that doa can solve almost anything. From the littlest problem to an avalanche. It is a weapon if we can use it right. But what if we misused it?
I don't know if anyone had ever misused his doa, because every doa I believed is sacred. However, everything that we say, it can turn into a doa. That is why people keep telling, say only good things, positive matters because in the end, those can turn into a bless-ful doa.
Many months back, before returning to India for my final year, I had my most incredible time, every night to sleep beside mom. I cherished it every second. My dad would checked on me upstairs, and would wanted me to accompany mom. Dad was a busy man, he worked during the daylight, came back when it was Maghrib, and after Isyak, he would leave the house for a badminton or futsal match. Dad loved to join the community and had so many friends. I love that thing about him, always so active in his age and he always seemed happy doing them even though I knew he must be exhausted.
One day, mom was a bit cranky. Injected her dose of fasting insulin for the night, and cuddled her like I did almost every night. I slept early to accompany her. She always wanted a cuddle. I realized as mothers get older, they feel like they are going to be alone and their children would always go farther, that cuddle must be very special for her.
Of course mom is known to be strong, well witted, amazing working lady. Since she recovered from stroke, she had this itchiness and muscle pain around her upper limbs. Even though, she still has not recovered fully, she returned to work. Every night, I had to scratch her back and cuddle her to make fall asleep. I wouldn't mind as that would my mom would do years back when I was also a cranky child myself.
I was tired that night, and something got into me that I felt an urge of saying something to mom so badly. It was a long deep thought that I must say it to her. She blamed me for not cuddling her enough and she couldn't fall asleep. I turned to her and whispered and talked slowly to her while scratching her back.
"Mom", I started.
"You must be strong"
"I am just afraid..that one day...."
And then she stopped me, and asked, "What if one day what?"
"What if one day, papa is no longer with us...we never knew.."
"I will be far from you...you must be strong, Mom"
She was a bit hesitated when hearing that part came from me. She said, "NO! Papa must be with me. He loved me, and he is all healthy. He would look after me"
That night, the feeling was intense. I didn't know and noticed whether or not she cried or hurt when I said that. She then stopped asking me to cuddle, and fell asleep.
My only intention was to trigger my mom to be stronger. And not only after 1 month later, I got a call from my brother at 2am in the morning, I was awaken from my deep sleep after a lengthy medical bedside teaching, the scariest call I ever received, and the most heart-breaking.
"Dena, papa....he's gone"
The lovable, healthy papa, the jovial and the most witty but amazing dad, is no longer here with us. Now, it has been like 4 months since he left us, I still thought that I was the one who made that du'a. Misused my weapon to such a big loss. I shouldn't have said that to mom, I regretted it badly. Somehow, here and there, I still wish there would be a morning joke from dad or anything fun coming from him from afar. Yes, he is in the heart of course. But that du'a....I have misused it. Never say something so bad ever. As it can turned into a du'a.