The Entity

My photo
Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

Welcome Message

And remember, it always rain hard for those who deserve The Sun. :)

Monday, 28 February 2011

dulu dan sekarang.

"You're your school's top student kan?" asked Prof Ahmad this morning....

"Kinda....", I replied...

"Then how come simple mathematics divisions pun masih slow lagi"...He said..

I was like....tu dulu, sekarang takk...


>>>p/s: UiTM ranked the 1133 in the world's best university. And USM is the best in our country at 629th rank in the world. Well, does it matter? <<<

Sunday, 27 February 2011

Love ?

Spinocereberall Degeneration Disease

Who else here have watched the drama series narrated from a true story called 'One Litre of Tears'? I watched it first about two years ago, during highschool and had not finished watching because of school affairs, but now I did watched it again, and yes, it caused me to burst into even a few more litre of tears!

Cerita ni serious sedih. Who don't believe me, give it a shot. A story narrated from a true tale, regarding a girl who was diagnosed for having spinocerebral disease at the age of 15. And what is the disease about anyway? Well, it's involves the spinal cord and the cerebellum, which both are the important parts of the brain that control and coordinate movements of limbs and also organ functions. So, at these parts, locate the important brain cells, which we called neurons. 

Neurons like what I know, learning from Biology, are cells that transmit electrical signals, or impulses regarding responses for the brain to integrate and decides on further reflexes. But, as for this very disease, the cerebellum shrinks slowly, causing the neurons to be degenerated and thus die. This eventually, in a long run, leading to the disability for the victim, to have his or her body functions normally. T.T And the tragic part of this disease is that it is incurable. But, I guess by 2011, we already have the cure, which is the transplant of neuron's stem cells. Hhahaha. They perhaps, didn't know the usage of stem cells back then.

So, back to track, the story revolves around the life of Ikeuchi Aya, who is a bright 15 year-old girl. She's beautiful, pretty, smart, hardworking, pleasant, and always being optimistic. However, suddenly, she showed a sudden changes, whereby she always fell down, trip and couldn't hold things tight. And during her first date, when she and her date were about to cross over the road, she couldn't move and balanced her body, thus, falling straight right on the head. She bleeds. And whenever she fell, she couldn't hold her body and avoid falling by using her hands, so she cuts terribly. These were the signs of something wrong, and her mother brought her to the hospital, whereby a MRI was done, and the result showed positive Spinocerebral disease. Her mother cried of terrified. 

And at 15, it was the last time, that Aya, who was an active girl, could run here and there freely, and joined the basketball team. She was the shooter and the best player there is. Everyone cheered for her and that's was basically the last moment of her glorious day. Soon, her legs became harder to move and therefore she had hard time walking. She had to go for rehabilitation every day during summer and when she came back to school, she was not walking normally. Everyone glared at her strangely, but she was strong enough to blindfold her eyes over those glare and stood still carving a smile everytime she sees people. But later on, days after days, her body worsen. She couldn't write properly and fast as she could before. Hence, the teachers had too pace the syllabus down, just because of her. Her friends were late to classes everyday because they had to help her out and causing troubles for the whole class with their classes. She became a burden, but she never gives up!

PTA meeting was up one day. Parents bugging on the matter of Aya who became a burden in that classes. Everyone wishes for Aya to leave for disability school, but, Aya's okaasan (mother), told them how the school meant a lot for her daughter. Every day, Aya would come to school with a big smile because she knew she had a lot of friends to keep her company. The school bring about so many rejoice memories of her and her friends, and she didn't wanna leave it. But, many parents didn't care for all that, as they too wanna the best for their kids. The next day, the new class president, brought up the matter once again with the homeroom teacher. Aya who was outside, heard the class' conversation and cried. She knew she had became a burden, but she never knew that her friends too had hard time helping her.

Thus, she decided to leave that school and go for disability school. Her disease showed somehow an unexpected fast progression. She felt that it is harder to walk, and soon harder to talk. And, she continued living for another 5 years bedridden because of her disfunction body and died but leaving with numerous diaries. Diaries of what she felt and what she wanna tell people and the words were written by her, with so much effort. She was only left with the ability to write until she died at 25

Well, she did fell in love in this series, with her classmate. And this boy who first thought that becoming a doctor was stupid just because one is intelligent, ending up going for medical school to be one. Hahahaha. And the reason why he wanted to be a doctor was because, he hoped to find a cure for the disease which Aya had. Lol. Almost like A Walk To Remember. 

I learn that, life is precious. And it is more precious because we have family who cares and the healthy body to help us keep on living. Take good care of everything we have now and treasure each one of them, because life is unexpected. One day we might be the luckiest person we knew, but on the other day, we might lose everything that we used to have. Aya was tested because God knew she was strong enough. God knew she could be a person who could boost other people's spirit of living. During the time when she was 18, hearing her friends going for colleges, and mingling around happily, brought about some envy feeling in her. She wished she could learn more and attend life more. And, at the end of the diary, she wrote: 'Okasan, will I be able to get married?' And finished it up by the two words 'Thank You'. Her diaries were then published and sold over 18 million copies up until now, in Japan.

>>p/s: seriously, mengantuk jer kebelakangan ni....<<<

Friday, 25 February 2011


Just finished reading Ariffshah's post regarding an ungrateful parent, whom his kid, was sent to Moscow to pursue medicine. You can read it on your own here. And, please read it very carefully.

This pak cik, wrote a letter concerning that Russia is a mundur country and lacking the expertise to produce First Class doctors. I heard the same thing since early last year, and well, couldn't be surprised. This old guy, wrote how his kid in Russia, feeling miserable and lost the spirit to study, because of the negative publicities arousing over their studies over there. 

He also posted that, there's a hidden agenda behind the reason why Malaysia, especially MARA to send good students to pursue medicine at Russia. And, he was really worried regarding this matter, since he had signed up a RM 600 K contract with Mara to send his kid there. He doesn't want his kid to graduate as 2nd class doctors.

Then came, a reply from an anynomous called Pelajar Marah from Moscow too. The person replied, with an angry tone, that, the pak cik and his kid, should be grateful under any circumstances since they can be considered lucky enough to have been given the chance to do undergraduate studies overseas. Russia on the other hand, is not mundur at all! Well, Pelajar Marah replied by saying, how can Russia be considered as Mundur when it has the fastest Internet Connection in the world!? Even our beloved country which we often said as MAJU, always have problems regarding secure-smooth Internet line. Hahhaa. Think Twice. And the system of education at Russia is different, even for clinical training for the medical students are conducted differently compared to locally. And, even if the kid can write and speak a little in Russia, well, fret yes, that the knowledge is still below an edge over many different dialects of the language itself, and therefore do not be surprise if one has trouble to understand the courses taught. 

This is probably the tenth time did I hear bad things about studying medicine in Russia. But, why in fright? Don't you see that, once you are there, and got the chance to study, using the MARA MONEY, you should then be grateful enough? The post by the pak cik seriously giving me a sense of hatred towards some typical malaysian mindset over smallest matters. Every country you go, there's a different way of studying things and applying things, so why so worried? Many fresh doctors from Russia, couldn't perform well? Then they should have learn from those who are better once they are here. Everything needs to be learn. AND being a medical doctor, is one of the many careers that implies LIFELONG LEARNING. 

You see, for those who got the chance to study overseas, STOP MUTTERING. Some of us, in the country who mainly didn't get the chance to get the same opportunity, have to struggle real hard to get to medical schools. Everything needs to be learn, even though not everything we learn will be applied later in the undergraduate program. Places locally are limited, and there are so many competitors here and there to get the same thing, while those who are already some steps away from being a doctor, like those in Russia and overseas, should be thankful, and just think for a sec, what if you guys are in our shoes! 

I am tired listening to whining and muttering, and ungratefulness of the many luckier persons who thought they aren't lucky enough! Stop blaming the country for sending you guys to where you guys hate. Accept the fact and just adapt to it. Life need to be endured strongly and not pathetically blaming things around.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Chemistry Test II 2011

Today marked another sign that asasi gonna end. Yahoo! I am bored seriously of studying. How am I gonna go for degree if I continue being lazy? But, maybe this happens because of many works to finish up and many formulas to be memorized.

Ended test 2 for chemistry 2 hours ago. To be frank, I won't comment on anything. I don't think the questions were hard, they were just merely tricky, which suited our level as foundation students. Miss Hikamah, the Chemistry tutor of mine, reminded us yesterday to get high marks for the paper, and that add more to the stress. Shoot!

Buffer is something that I need to concentrate more after this. In a sudden, I completely forgot, the formula to find for buffer pH, got mixed up with other formula, and I was clueless whether to put pKa at the right side or the left. T.T and this marked how pathetic I am in the topic, so better brushing it all up.

Now, it's time for 2 hours-sleepy physics lecture. I hate late afternoon classes, because I seriously couldn't fight against my pineal gland's tendency to secrete melatonin, in which defines, the over secretion of sleep enzymes. Lol. Physics is getting trickier and just sooo confusing. I need help =.=

>>>P/S: to go home or not to go this week. But I wanna go home so badly!¬<<<

Wednesday, 23 February 2011

its tomorrow, next week and the next one week

3 weeks la to go. hehehe. for the finale. I am like having premature contractions in the heart. Lol. Seriously, banyak gila stuff that needed to be stuffed inside the brain, but just pray for strength, and good memories. After all, not everything we learn in Asasi is gonna to be applied in the degree we're about to take. This is fact, told by many who had encountered the same thing.

Tomorrow Chemistry Test. On Monday, it gonna be Physics, Mathematics on following Tuesday and Biology on Thursday. Test II fnishes next week, insyaAllah. Have to struggle harder, because damn I flunked on the last time, and this give me a sign of fright. 

Saya dah mandi, segar-bugar, dan kelas ended early. How I love Wednesday. Sadly, today, there's no chance to watch movies with the comrades. Everyone is under stressful condition. Me too to add up. Planned to see lecturers to ask questions, but then again something came up. And the plans became just plainly plans. Now better not talking to the blog, and started revising chemistry. T.T

Anyhow, goodluck for all asasians fighters for tomorrow. Many of them here are awesome. And, Goodluck too for the finale a week after the test. Let's everyone wear batik on the last FINALE-exam day, shall we?

>>>p/s: enough coupon collected. and it's another week of lecture and tutorials. is this sad?<<<

Friday, 18 February 2011

Between Relevence and Dream Big

The farther I lead this life, the more I lost hope. Which is the most significant? Living because we wanna go high up for our big dreams, or just pursue relevances that would not necessarily makes ourselves feeling content? 

Life is short, live with your dream. Easier say than done. But what if we dream to be something, yet, NOT GIFTED to pursue the dream. Or in other words not destined? Now, which one is the true idea about life? 
Tell me?

Schools were a lot easier than todays. All you could have been thinking of is the fact that you could one day, if you study hard, excel well, and could easily go and lead to the life that you wanted. I was once like that. Been fooled by the fiction of study hard and could get what you wanted. But, mind if I remind you again, that everything was a lie. And teachers lie. So, conclusion; EVERYBODY LIES. Stick with it.

Mom got these bunches of friends, whom their sons and daughters are mostly graduated doctors, and certified of course. These ladies, told my mom how the basic life routines of their kids who are now medical doctors. Among the stories, she heard many of the rotten ones. Bad stories and dark stories, which she then passed them to me, to actually make me realize how bad on becoming one. To cut short, my confidence was been tearing apart. 

So, now where I am heading to? Either the decision of standing up for my words, for my dreams or either taking the other route which is safer but will I have no content for? If you were in my pyjamas, which would you choose?

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Bertemu kembali

Cikgu Fazly was my caunselor back then when I was form 3 and form 4. He was doing some thesis or some project with his friends 4 years ago. My caunsellor at school, Cikgu Linda was his senior, so he came to our school and select some students for a motivational program. I was one of them, and that was the first time I met him actually, because I was in his group with several other friends. After so many years, losing contact with him, because I lost my phone that contains his number and had a new one, I finally met him again even though not in person.

To be frank, when my friends and I saw the advertisement telling us that there will be a motivational concert by UNIC, I was not even close to have been intrigued. I just have no intrigue feeling to join that musical and whatsoever, because I am not their fan and knowing any of their songs. Lol. But, on that Monday, at campus, on the way back to hostel, Dina and Azyan bought the ticket, which cost only RM5, and like always I was influenced. So, I too bought the ticket. I was destined to go.

The concert was held at the faraway DK500 hall of Puncak Alam campus, on the very day of the Maulidur Rasul. Even a few hours before the concert started, I already went lazy to attend and you know, the feeling of reluctant to getting ready for any event, because of so many other things to handle. But, like I tell you earlier, I WAS DESTINED TO GO. And so I did.

Waited for Dina and her housemates at the stairs, which was just in front of my block at 7.50 p.m, and luckily Dina came with a smile, because lately she has always been uncheerful. And that's apparently hurts me sometimes. Congratulations to the organisers of the concert, for making it a wonderful one. We reached there early and alhamdulillah, got the front seats, I mean REAL FRONT SEATS. Sat there still for half an hour, and the musical only started after that. Perhaps the members of the UNIC got lost because it's easy for people to get lost on their way to UiTM Puncak Alam. But they will be amazed once they saw our campus! **(Proud being one of thousands inhabitants in this gigantic beautiful campus)**

Began with a fresh introduction by confident emcees, through some singing and jokes, was fun. And, the members of the group were fun too! I mean, imagine, they are nasyeed groups and still can do good jokes without needing to touch sensitive issues. I would gave them 10/10 on their way of connecting to the audiences. Plus, I thanked GOD for destined me to sit at the front, to see Cikgu Fazly again and to hear the other two members sing harmoniously and melodiously on the stage, crystal clear. :))) I had a rejoice. I bet everyone in the hall had too. 

The nasyeed group is 9 years old now, had won a platinum award for their album and their songs are great. I regret for not noticing them earlier and knowing their songs, while elses in the hall knew most of their songs. T.T. The members of the group had decreased due to the fact that most of the old members could not give full commitments to the group, so now left with only three members, including Cikgu Fazly, Bazli and Fakhrul. Bazli is the longest member that last, and the other two can be considered new. Fakhrul is the newest member. He was actually the Grand Winner of Akademi AL Quran program, on TV9. His voice is mesmerizing. Once hearing him recite one suratul Quran that night, I almost cry. It was beautiful. 

Then, the musical continued with some activity. They called two guys to the stage, and they had to sing in front of everybody. Jokes was everywhere. We were not bored at all! That's the best part. They motivated the two guys to be confident in front of the crowd. One of them spotted to be the most confident, because he can sing well, and he won the battle. Lol. The other one, was shy probably. But, I congatulated both of them for being sporting that night. 

Only one thing, happened to be a dismay that night. The audiences were not sporting enough, to sing along the UNIC members when the asked us too. Well, I can be excluded since I didn't know any of their songs, and luckily, they set the lyrics on the screen for us to follow. The UNIC members, especially Cikgu Fazly was so funny, and he had always been, since I first knew him in 2007. Bazli was funny too, and Fakhrul is a bit of a shy but he can do jokes sometimes. Basically, all three were amazing performers and motivators. 

The concert ended with a slide show, of a story, regarding what happened during the day that our beloved Prophet passed away. It showed us how the friends of Prophet Muhammad feeling despair after knowing the news of Prophet's demise. Saidina Umar Al Khattab, didn't believe it first because he was so sad that his friend was gone forever. Bilal bin Rabah on the other hand, swore that he would never sing the azan after that because he was mourning for Prophet's death. Years after the Prophet's gone, the friends met again, and Bilal bin Rabah was asked to sing the azan. He was reluctant at first, but he accepted it after asked again. And when he sing the azan, and the Prophet's friends prayed, they cried and burst into tears, feeling how they once could pray with Prophet S.A.W, but not anymore. The slide show did touched our hearts and I almost bursts into tears. That's showed the true value of friendship. And, the members then sang a song entitled Sahabat Sejati. I bestowed, and thank God for letting me sense the worth of having true friends here at Puncak Alam:)

Merely around 11 pm, the concert came to the end. Everyone was sad, because it was such an enjoyable moment ever. Once out from the hall, a photography session was held with the UNIC members. Unfortunately, there was no chance at all for me and my friends, to capture at least one rememberance photo with the UNIC group members. I was feeling a bit frustrated for now having the opportunity to greet Cikgu Fazly and apologize for not attending his wedding, in Kelantan 3 years ago. Still have the invitation card at home :)

From left: Fazly, Bazli and Fakhrul, amazing motivators and singers.

Nonetheless, it was the first night ever, did I went down to campus besides going to lectures and tutorials. And it was a worthsome event that I ever encountered. It's such a lost for those who didn't go. RM5 was nothing compared to the fun that we had and if they do come again, I will be in the first row's spectator again! 

>>>p/s: Semoga cikgu Fazly berjaya di dunia dan diakhirat. He was a great teacher, a good listener, and a good motivator<<<

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Quizzies,Tests and Miscellaneous

Weekends turns into weekdays right now. Absolutely, a no way for me to spend my weekends at home at least till the finale is over. Mom told me to just stay cool at Puncak Alam and study hard. I on the other hand, could just say yes, and nodd with everything she said.

My left ear is a sore again due to excessive earwax. I am basically halfly deaf. But whatever. On last Sunday, there was a family day held by my hostel block. I was supposed to be the comittee, but because I didn't show up at the last meeting two days before, my name was nowhere to be found in the list. Pathetic isn't it? Just because that one damn meeting. I was frustrated, because I can't make good vibes with the other girls here on the block. Networking isn't expanding and that's kinda sad. Who said, at UiTM you can gain friends easily? Well, maybe it is me, who at fault, but I did try but fail. T...T

Nontheless, my housemates won something, even though I didn't get any benefit from that. Congratulations to them. Em, college is boring. Same thing happening over and over. Tomorrow night, a class party is gonna be held somewhere around the block, but I don't care a damn thing about it anymore, because they are already so many people caring about it. Lol. All I care about is my coupon. 2 more! And perhaps tonight, I'll get another. I am attending UNIC concert tonight even though I am not actually a fan. I was peered influenced. Hehe.

Next week, on the 24th February, I will have to sit for Chemistry Test, or Physics if I was not mistaken. I am soooooo chill in a bone. I don't know whether I will do fine or otherwise because I am so afraid the same thing that happened during the first test to haunt me. This semester is a no comfortable zone, and no paradise for me. I feel living giving up already after so many things I encountered. Maybe I am just not gifted? On the same occassion, mathematica quizzy will be held next week too on the same day. I will be blasted off by the permutation questions and probability all those, which I never quite understand the concept. T...T. Do we need to know this as in to apply it in adulthood? I don't think so, but we always have to study things like crap, without having time to really understand them. And this is the nightmare of our education system, even though it has been ranked the 4th best education system in the world. Bangga la Datuk Najib kita, zzz.

28th February then 1st March then 3rd March, these are the dates for the test. I am scared as anyone would, but knowing my 4 flatters friends being scared too, tickled my funny bone. If they are scared, how much more should I be? Lol. Then, the syllabus will end by 6th March. After that, off for study week, before starting the battle for finale on the 10th March, AND ending asasi with USM MUNSYI TEST on the 19th March, and by that, farewell UiTM Puncak Alam. 

Yeah...I can't wait for everything to end, because I seriously need to go home. I admit I have homesick. So what? I also realise I have less friends here. Other than friends that I usually hang out with, none others would I should called friends. I am not good at making friends and be one. And on the sweetness of a day off from college like NOW, I have no friend to do good things together. Sedihnya. haha.

>>>p/s: maybe I am not gifted to victory in this mortal world, and maybe I am born just to be average<<<

Saturday, 12 February 2011

What you can do when you think you are unlucky.

If you think you are unlucky...

1.The place you live in is a mess? Think twice.

2. Your salary is low? Think again.

3. Your job is pathetic. See this!

4. Your friends and families isolated you.

5. Feeling like giving up? How's this?

6. Public transport and transportation sucks? Then see them...

7. Work too hard and have no rest and no life?

Enjoy life, how it is, and as it comes
There are always those who are worse
off than we are.
 There are many things
in your life that will catch your eye, But
only a few will catch your heart…pursue those…

This is a message for you and me, for US. Who never tend to sit down for a sec and reflecting the things that we have and what they don't have. We are indeed much more luckier than they are. Hence, don't whine and mutter for the smallest things because what we have now, like a roof to shelter us from shine and rain, like a family who cares, like a dining table full of food, like friends who we can have fun with and INTERNET for us to use, are giving us the contents more than what they would have. Do not forget our third brothers and sisters who suffer. Do not let modernization and consumerisms be the border between humans and engulf into our minds and souls.

Thursday, 10 February 2011

Ramdomness and Scrambles

khayra amani, 4 years old now, and naughtier.

McDonald Spicy Chicken Mcdeluxe, a crave T___T

always lavish breakfast at home.

CNY :) my neighbour new home (renovated)

ending soon :-(

FF? lol

countdown end of asasi

Macam lame jer tajuk ahahaha. Like always, my first paragraph will sound like this: It's feels so fast and only like yesterday we met at Puncak Alam as foundation students. Lol. Deep down inside, I must admit that the feeling of sad is there, leaving behind new friends who turned out into best friends. But before bursting for tears, let's chillax and continue to study madly for upcoming test 2 and the finale.

"Lagi tiga minggu je lagi, Dayana"....said Christyne, my lovely Sabah new girlfriend. "Tiga minggu...? What do you mean?"...I asked, a bit of a slowpoke to catchup what she meant. "Lagi tiga minggu bersama kawan-kawan awak laaa" said Chrystine. 

Yeahh...on second thought, it is gonna be another three weeks here. Three weeks is not that long. Less than a month, but, when can I have the last time to enjoy to the maxx with my friends here. You see, in 3 months, there are lotsa things to do. Sometimes, I reflex myself and see others. Most of the students here can easily go out, here and there, not doing tutorials but still manage to somehow gain something. I on the other hand, who did seriously nothing called FUN, and all I did was merely sitting down burning my chair studying like crap, still earned nothing that I can jot as satisfaction. I am just lowerly average. Why is that?

Maybe because I seriously do not know how to manage my time. I am not wise in managing things and that's why I don't wanna be a business figure. Lol. Last time, I thought Reproduction was the last chapter of Biology, but again I was wrong. Two more chapters: Nervous System And Genetic on the way, I already feel like fainting. 5 more chapter for Physics is damn scary. Imagine, I am still stuck at chapter 26 on the Kirchoff's rule (sorry if most readers here do not know what this is), and how am I gonna keep on track another 5 chapters! I am gonna be lunatic. Last chapter of mathematics is Probability Distribution which is sooo confusing. I never enjoyed doing probability and tree diagrams T___T. Chemistry is okay I guess, but gotta this assignment to be submitted by Monday, and have not start any yet. DUSSHHHH! 4 subjects but they feels soo heavy:(

Sometimes, when I feel a bit of a mess up like NOW, all I am thinking of is to go home and see mummy and daddy. I am childish, and I don't feel rejunevating to study here, because God Knows why. Seeing my roommate non-sleep doing her massive studying is like giving me nothing but annoyed. I am just annoyed seeing others studying so bad, without effort to take care of herself. I am not a fan of studying hard and looked pathetic. It gives me a sense of hatred out of nowhere. But, if she did score more than I did, a congratulation will she hears from me. And I do think she will. ;-(

Yesterday, even though campus hours ended earlier than any other days, I didn't even have the effort to at least go back to room and continue revising like any other good students will do. Instead, I went watching Black Swan again with my comrades but too bad the sound was bad, so we stopped it in the middle, and continue watching a ghost story. Watching a korean ghost story, with lame subtitles is damn crazy. Most of the way, we made assumptions on what happened. The ghost story wasn't that scary at ALL by the way, it happened to funny instead. Posting in Facebook, that I have a headache watching the ghost story and then I got this comment by Prof Ahmad saying: 

"Reading Giancoli, won't give you a headache!" FRIGHTENS me. 

It's like he knows that I already wasted my time lol. But whatever. 

>>>p/s: I hate feeling hungry at Puncak Alam because I seriously do not know what to eat<<<

Sunday, 6 February 2011

A month and that's a lot to accomplish

TEST II coming right up

Black Swan

I heard that Black Swan rated among the box offices in the US. That's a deserving spot for such a brilliant movie. I think the director is a genius for portraying Natalie Portman as the Swan Queen. Natalie Portman has always been among my A-list actress from Hollywood despite her less appearances in many well-known movies. She was the Queen in Starwars, the pale, and weird looking persona can easily been done by her. Lol.

Black Swan revolved around ballerinas and their struggle and dreams to seize the stage. A renowned ballet play needed a new Swan Queen, so every young ballerinas had this high hope to been chosen by the director of the play itself. Natalie played Nina, who is a talented and hardworking ballerina, and had been dancing since the age of 6 if I was not mistaken. Natalie dreamed high for that role, so every time at home, she will be practising the moves from the old Black Swan play. I think her mother was forcing her too hard for that role. You can see her being pushed over by her mother as if she was still 12 years old. 

She was intensed most of the time

So one day, during the role selection thingy, the director went to these ballerinas studio, where he tapped some of the dancers but not the other rest. Natalie was not being tapped, so she was like feeling disappointed. But, actually only those who the director didn't tap got the chance for the role, but for the tapped ones, they have to practice harder. Well, it ended up that Natalie was not chosen to be Swan Queen. It was her colleague. She grew envy in her soul and weakly burst into tears and called her mother telling her that she didn't make it through. However, because she really wanna the role, so the next day, she dressed up nicely and went to the director's office. 

Putting a bright red lipstick, she went inside and told the director how much the role mean so much for her. The strict director told her, that, the decision was final. Natalie went crying again, and wanted to leave, accepting the fate that she didn't get the role. Suddenly, the director closed the door and asked her, why didn't she fight for the role? He kissed her abruptly and Natalie bitted his lips till it bleeds. Natalie went out, smacked the door closed and running towards the bathroom.

Soon after, while all the dancers were eager to know who's the Swan Queen, Natalie was feeling jittered. Her mood was down, but suddenly, her friends congratulated her for getting the role as Swan Queen. Well, it was from that moment that, she became excessively delusion by the role. She was called a whore by her colleagues and well, that's true because after all she got the role after kissing the director. Haha. She became crazy when the director forced the dark side in her to show off. But, since she was too weak to portray that part of hers, she was sexually abused by the director himself. She tried so hard to play both white and black swan till she went to the outrageous part of taking drugs, and doing bad things that she never had done before. 

The director chose one of her colleague to become her substitute in case something happened to her. She became jealous and could not accept that someone else could have doing her part in that show. On the day of the show, she tripped during her White swan part and everyone blamed her for being so careless. She cried after that part ended, and rushed to her preparation room whereby the substitute girl was there. But exactly, there was no one there. Basically she thought that someone was there, but there was no one but her. The illusion substitute girl was wearing her Black Swan costume and getting ready to replace Natalie because she claimed that Natalie was too weak for that role. Natalie became furious, she pushed her to the mirror till it broke and the girl bleeds heavily at the head. The girl was dead and it was not in Natalie's intention to do that. She quickly hid the girl inside the bathroom, changed into the Black Swan costume and rushing to the stage. 

amazing ballet performance lol

Well, the black swan ballet was the best part in that movie. We can the dark side of Natalie, whereby she was possessed by the black swan spirit or something. She became so seductive on stage, her eyes went red, and portraying the stronger swan. Everyone was amazed by her performance. And when the performance ended, she rushed to her room, seeing blood coming out from the bathroom. She tried to cover it with a towel, when suddenly someone knocked her door. She opened the door and guess who was outside?

The substitute girl was outside the door. She came by to congratulate Natalie for her wonderful stage performance. The girl told Natalie that she deserved the role more than anyone would. So, the thing is, who did she killed previously? Hhahaha. She cried and went perplexed. The mirror was broken, but who bleeds? The answer was herself. She stabbed herself with the piece of glasses. She was not aware of the pain because she was not herself when she was performing. She cried and cried. It was her last part of the night as White Swan. 

she was not herself.....

Gracefulness was seen on the stage. It was actually the last performance by Natalie. When it came to an end, everyone gave their applauses, but Natalie couldn't get up. She laid down weakly and everyone came to her. Seeing blood all over her abdomen was terrifying. It was a good performance, and it was her last. 

nice poster lol

>>>p/s: well Black Swan, did somehow relates me to how I was in the past. Surrounded by the feeling of insecure of not getting what I want, and being pushed so hard by others could be such a stress. Never let yourself be to engulf by desire and dream and passion. You might end up hurting yourself or even kill yourself. <<<

Saturday, 5 February 2011

What's with the heartbeat?

Two years ago, I was innocent and practically just a girl who didn't know much about anything, excepts for my friends, and families and books to add on. I was more like nerdy and geeky, (oh is that really a word).

Someone far away from where I lived, then became my pal. Barely knew him, but there were a lot of things we could share in common. He gave me something which most people would called it lame; exam papers of his and hoping I can give him mine. We basically exchanged exam papers, well that's what we call sharing knowledge if most of you here wouldn't know. I waited for days for the papers to reach my snailmail box and it came at last. 

Getting something so priceless from a stranger is weird. But, after all it was just pieces of papers, I mean so many papers. Along with the package, there was a note. A simple note asking if I could send back my papers to him, but I wrongly read it as send back all his papers to him. I was so stupid. 

I ended up not sending him my papers and I can tell that he was a little disappointed because our main attempt was to exchange our papers. Lol. After two years have passed, I found the papers again in my father's back portion of the car. It was covered with dust and I should be blamed for letting it there for two years.

On last Wednesday, I took the package of papers back. Weeping it out of dust and opened it again. See back those papers and how some mere papers meant so much for this weak heart. The note was there too, on it, was written the address of the sender but perhaps, it might not be the same address as two years ago. Seeing 'TO DAYANA AZHAR" From XX melted me. Hahaa. And the heartbeat of this weak heart was somehow pounding heart. It feels weird though. 

This heartbeat is like giving me thousands of weird thoughts over and over again. What do they mean anyway? Lol. 

>>>p/s: hate falling for nonsense things but missing the old him who cares.<<<

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Semester 2 chapter 5

Basically, I have no good title for this post. Anyhow, I am relieved that the Internet connection in Egypt has been okay. Tonnes of Malaysian students there are now returning to Facebook updating their well-being status. Hopefully, Bahjah and Nur Izzah Syafiqah are doing fine over there. Our prayers are with them amin:)

An Egyptian soldier been kissed by his mom on his way to serve for the nation. Allahuakbar!

Right now, I am enduring the Chinese New Year holidays which is only a mere 4 days at home, where else in the whole life world could I have been staying? Home is nice, but seriously, I miss having my pet cat around. Lopek, my pet cat ran away late last year, maybe because she is already too old for we to take care off, so she went away with troop of other cats, perhaps migrating to a place where she can find more food and love. We tried to throw her away one day, putting her in the laundry basket, capping it with a cloth, but she managed to unwrapped the cloth and almost attacked us in the car. She has been a very cute and adorable, loving cat, giving us the chances to play with her bunches of beautiful kittens, but none of them last, so yeah, now no more cats around.

Holidays like always mean absolutely nothing rather than continuing my sleeping schedule and going back to track, finishing up my piles of homeworks, doing my laboratory report, going online and yeah, movie marathon. Weeks at college had been fine lately, despite the high momentum of Physics to catch up with. Prof Ahmad was right about not having fun with this year's Physics. Everything is a mess. I am sick of every single thing that is so hard because I am so slow to catch them up.

Laboratories will end by next week I am supposed, which will be a thrill because we can return to our rooms early. Class party will be held around next week too, a barbeque event is said to be done, at the Gazebo around my block, a sukaneka thingy will be organised by my hostel block, because the President is soooo fun. I am not going to play in any of the games because practically every house heads MUST be the committee. So, I would just rather handle the Teka Gaya game, and that's why I spent my whole evening playing teka gaya on Tuesday. 

Noticing that I only have 5 coupons scares me like crap. Most of my friends already finished collecting 8 because they are lucky enough. The dinner committees got full marks for the co-curriculum part because the they worked days and nights for it, despite the bad stories behind what happened after the event, until most lecturers were shocked seeing photos of several science students doing syisha thingy. 3 MORE TO GO! so I better be more productive these upcoming weeks. InsyaAllah two important events will I show myself up too. Hopefully, coupons are available. I am sooooo scared of everything already!

Friends in the same group, are now busy capturing photos as remembrances and memories. Uploading them in facebook and tagged me, is what I called the easiest part of the technological world. I am sick of taking photos with my phone and thanks to them, that I at least could have something to keep. Besides that, I have reestablished equilibrium with my roommate, and she started it first. That's a wow. And, yeah, I am not a good in coaxing sulking people, so if you knew me, don't sulk, because I won't coax you till you melt.

Frustration is still happening at college. One thing to complain about is the atm machine at the Raflessia Hall. It kept running out of bank slips and that burdens some of us that REALLY need the slips for further reference. On last Friday, I was about to pay for my electricity bill which cost me RM30. The bank at Raff went crazy for running out of slips. Others who were also wanna pay that damn bill, went to the boy's side, Angsana which is a little faraway from Rafflesia. I could sensed that the ATM there would be crowded, so I decided to descend to the campus. I took the road less taken here because by that time, I knew there will be less people at the ATM downstairs. So, yeah I WAS RIGHT AT LAST. Only me and my friend Sarah were there, so I thanked god because this time the slip was available. But the worst part of all was that, I climbed the dozens of baby steps to the top, and almost dessicate my throat and damaging my diaphragm. It was crappy tiring to go downstairs and climb upstairs in a short period. I quickly headed to Rafflesia and the office, gave the officer the damn slip and got the three crappy stickers for my electric appliances. What a crap tiring adventure for such a pathetic thing ever!

At 9 p.m, when my parents came to pick me up, they consoled me for being slimmer even though I knew they were lying. Families are the greatest liars of all time but they are the best listeners that one could ever has. Hahaha:)

>>>p/s: I would rather be pleased if you could say it clearly that you wanna SEE AND MEET ME. I don't eat people nor punch people. I am just shy. <<<

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

February then March?

It's February now. Chinese New Year is around the corner and I am waiting for 11.30 am to strike the clock, for the week to end. Yes, asasian students are not having their CNY break yet. Only tomorrow will it starts but, some kids have already packed home and that is just so unfair!

Chinese New Year, is not a celebration that I will celebrate. But, I must say, the more nearer it comes, I tend to realize that I could no longer send a CNY message to ONE important person because she is no longer here, to appear in my life.

Sad as it may go, I know that, those who live must continue living. So, yesterday, class ended early around 3 Pm and thus, my friends and I went for this hang out movie chiling time at Shikin's room. We watched a horror movie, Thai movie that was, called Coming Soon. I am so lazy to write a review on it, but yeah, it was super damn terrifying to watch. Basically, the movie is about an actress who played as a ghost in a movie but she died tragically during the hanging scene. So, the spirit sought for revenge, thus killing everyone who watched that scene. It's freaky scary I tell ya. My friends screamed like nuts.Thanks for Azneeza for recommending:)