Mama

Last month, I arrived Kuala Lumpur for a week break. I really needed that break after 6 months of hurdle in clinical years. I kept whatsapp-ing mom telling how much I needed to come home. Dad usually didn't let me since it's just a 7 days off but this time I showed how I was really tired and he gave me the green light. 

I usually quite a kedekut person in spending money. While most friends who also planned for that 7 days break, bought  much cheaper flight tickets, I bought the most expensive. Suddenly, my egoistic and pride idea of not going to return to Malaysia during that 7 days break appeared to not exist. I just have this weird feeling of wanting to see mom and dad. Just wanna see their faces, how they are really doing, the house, my darling siblings. That's all it.

Probably the strongest reason that led to my return would be of that one message mom sent me 3 months before. She told me how suddenly she got some trouble with holding a pen. It became difficult for her to write and even to sign documents and papers. Her right hand felt to be so weak and it was progressive. As a soon-to-be doctor in the family, I guess mom chose to tell me first, but I preferred her to consult a real, certified doctor for that matter. 3 days later, she told me the doctor she sought just prescribed her for some vitamin B12 and calcium. And mom also told me she had attained menopause. 

I had always and will always be adoring my mother. Who wouldn't? She's pretty, fair, even at the age of 50 something, mom still looks gorgeous with her porcelain-flawless skin and a smile anyone can die for. I mean, I myself not as pretty. She's a smart, career woman and an approachable boss at her workplace. Mom is also my number one advisor; in almost anything. I even cried to her for the first time in the phone, when a boy whom I like said he just loved me as a friend and for that she said to me, nevermind, Allah has everything good for you in plan. :)

Until, that very day of 14th February, finally my flight boarded Kuala Lumpur. I tried to call my father but was rather in vain. I did received a text the night before saying he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had something else to do. My little brother would be available. I asked him what other thing is more important than picking up his daughter from India at the airport? But he didn't reply.

And so, I hung out at KLIA2 for 1-2 hours with my friends, Lily and Kak Harisah for breakfast, happily eating, knowing this one week break would be of tension free from hospital load, colleague loads and what not. An hour later, my telephone rang. It was my brother, who had arrived by the front gate to pick me up. 

As I walked passed the arrival gate, I saw my family car, with brother sitting at the front passenger sit, and someone else was driving. My brother was with his good friend Azizi, who drove us home. In a split second, I thought brother was excessively sleepy and that's why he let Azizi instead to drive. But brother looked rather untidy, he was in pyjamas (it was 7 am), and he even brought a pillow with him; in which he cuddled it tight. I then started asking where was papa? and what was mama doing at home? 

Brother kept his silence for sometime, and so I hurriedly asked the same thing again. Only when it almost reached Country Heights, that brother spilled:

"Dena...mama kena stroke...She's in the hospital"

And he cried...I saw from behind, his eyes were red, full of tears, and he couldn't hold back and continued to cuddle the pillow so even tight. Azizi was utterly quiet. He then patted brother on his shoulder trying to give comfort. 

I was in super shocked. Literally shocked. A week before my return, mom did text me saying she had booked a hotel in Port Dickson for a short family weekend trip, she was genuinely alright and healthy....how come..that time?

I too then cried...then brother started crying even more, and said, the doctor in charged, told him that there's a bleeding, inside mom's brain and they couldn't do anything and couldn't even operate. The bleeding was located somehow in deeper brain structure. Brother continue explaining that he didn't want mama to fall sick, to be in the hospital. He even asked whether I could extend my short break for mom would only listen to my advice.

We stopped at Azizi's house to send him home. I thanked him for being such a help at our hardest time. At my brother's hardest time. Then, brother drove me home. I saw papa doing laundry, he was rather busy. As he saw me, I hold back whatever emotional turmoils I had inside. I hugged him tight and tried not to cry. But I saw him feeling relieved as I had returned, but his eyes seemed to be full of worries and tears. I told brother that I want to see mom immediately. At that moment, he drove me straight to Serdang Hospital. Mom was then accompanied by my sister.

Soon as I reached the hospital, I hurried myself to the 7th floor, with the feelings of mostly fright and shivers. Straight without much due, I reached level 7 and went to the code blue area, ward 7B. The nurse guided me to mom's bed. And there from a little far, I saw mom on bed and little sister besides her. Shishin, little sister, came hugging me with her eyes full of tears....and quickly said she wanted to do dhuha... and I went to see mom. I cried tremendously, when I kissed her hand. She remembers me! The first thing I was relieved to note at. And her mouth/lips were not deviated. Again relieved!

But I cried so hard. I hold her hand so so tight, could not let go. I let everyone around witness how sad I was...I didn't even matter. Mom talked to me, she was not talking in a slurred manner in which I was thankful for...but she was there, weak, her eyes widened, almost like exopthalmos and she was sweating profusely. In my head, I had this question is she also having hyperthyroidism? Mom asked me to sleep beside her, As I hugged her, I cried even more. She asked me am I crying because I am afraid that she may die? GOSHHHH MOM!

I spent the whole 7 days off from medschool taking care of her at the hospital. It was tough to really be tough...mom was loved by all. Many came to visit but I really feel some visit too many times that mom felt annoyed, I too felt annoyed. The most difficult part was when I helped her to take a shower. Mom felt she can stand by her own feet but she almost stumbled. I hurriedly supported her, and she said to me, why is this happening to me? As a daughter, what else could I replied...for Allah test the one he loves most...

Doctors came without failed. The neurologist team as well as the rehab team. Mom needed an MRI to see what's wrong with the brainstem. The rehab team asked us whether we wanted to put mom directly to rehab. Just one fine day, doctor told us that the bleeding inside mom's brain had subsided. We couldn't thank Allah enough. She needed rehab to strengthen her muscles especially the right hand and the lower limbs. 

To bring mom home, the doctor asked so many things, like how was our home like. Living in a double-storey house was a bit uncomfortable to moms. Thus one day, when I was having hi tea with dad, he planned to bring mom to a hotel, and make it like a hospital-hotel care; so that mom will de-stress. That somehow did not work out as family from Kedah wanted to see mom and stayed with us. We brought mom home somehow. It was hard at first, since mom had to just stay in bed upstairs, and we mostly run our activities downstairs. A bit kelam kabut I may say especially when family from Kedah came to stay for a couple of days. But they were really of good help, alhamdulillah:)

As mom now, needed to be on prolonged supply of insulin, I extended my one week break for another week as to get my family members to get use to what have to be done. It was pretty stressful as I actually, being the eldest, there were so many duties I need to do and accomplish. House chores no mention, and family members came no stop! I was in the kitchen 24/7...but it was worth it....as mom is my top priority. Just as days passed, my father and brother brought mom for morning walks...as a therapy at home. It worked amazingly as mom now can already walked but with supervision. Alhamdulillah:)

Brother who is now in his 4 months break had become another hero apart from dad. He was really really helpful. As if he's the bigger brother of mine. Mother could only sleep when he's around....so he was too in the hospital accompanying mom and I. Since, I have returned to India, he is the in charge person for mom's daily medications and her daily medical vital signs record. Doctor said the first 6 months is vital because beyond that, if mom doesn't improve, the impairment would be somehow permanent. 

Mom is still on medical leave right now, taking weekly medical certificates, which I personally believed it's a nuisance thing for mom to go to the hospital/nearby clinics just for a proof that she's unable to work yet. Mom really need emotional support, as I know how much she's a little spoiled. *manja* I too believe the intention or the feeling of wanting to return to Malaysia was a sign from Allah to let me serve for my mother. I have been rather a rebellious child. I have hurt mom so much in the past. I admitted I seldom give her a call because whatsapp is now available, if she wanted to speak to me, she can send me voice note. I always on the run saying I am busy with medschool. I somehow left her not as priority. Boo me now people!

I have seen a lot of close friends having their mothers passed. Some didn't even make it through the funeral day..since Belgaum is so far, hence we would arrived so late before anything. But this time, Allah had let me took care of mom...and I would stop medschool now if I needed to, if she really needs me. 

One day, I hugged her while everybody had gone back from visiting...she told me to return to India...she said, takkan nak jaga mama je, dena kena study... :( And here I am back to reality. Can't wait to go back, Countdown to see mama again!

Also, jazakumullah khayr for everyone who have been with me through this thorns. I am loved. I felt loved, thank you :) Some I didn't have time to reply their concern...as I really was occupied. Now mom is alright alhamdulillah:) Jazakumullah khayr again for my mom's speedy recovery in your du'as...

>>p/s: Dah besar...we are all grown ups now, And as I returned, I saw how mom has wrinkled, dad too...has wrinkled. Mom used to ask me to plug out her grey hairs, but now she won't let me. She said, it's natural, so let them be, but insisted to plug them. I hate seeing mom being old. to see dad becoming old. aging is hurt to be seen. I am worried if I can't say goodbyes...I pray that I would 'go' first ...let I be their goodbyes, dear God<<

Silence

My expertise is by being silent. Stay silent as a mouse. I still remember one fine day, I visited my beloved Mak Teh who was admitted in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang. It was before I even came to India for studying purpose. 

Mak Teh was at a chronic stage of Diabetes Mellitus. She refused to take her medications on the exact schedule and I was really worried, I mean still am. I miss the strong Mak Teh. Who could drive us (my siblings, cousins and all her nieces and nephews) for a trip to Kuala Lumpur or to the beach. But of course, now she couldn't do all that. The last time she drove me was to my college in Puncak Alam, during asasi years, together with my friends. We stayed at her house overnight just because to attend our grand gala. She stopped by at one stall (my Makcu's stall) which was selling Cakoi. 

Oh..those time! I surely miss. While visiting my Mak Teh, I was really sad seeing her all weak. Even now, I thank God that she's still alive. But seeing her with her edematous lower extremities hurts me to bits and pieces. She couldn't walk properly and often seeing tired. That day at the hospital, mom told her I got my place for medicine. But she rather looks unhappy and asked: "How can you be a doctor? You can't even speak to people?"

Oh yes. Even in the family, I am not the kind of person who speaks. Who sings or who dances. Timid as I am, I tried to show the other side of me in university, in college, because I believe this is the place where I could be what I want to be. I was wrong.

I was completely wrong because for Godsake, I don't even know the basic style how to talk. Yes, talking to people (of course, not to a wall that is), I seriously do not master the art of talking to people. I hit my target badly and unsuccessfully. I spoke out my ideas in a wrong turn, that sometimes, my frankness kills me. Because to talk, not only confidence that matters, but style as well. Style determines whether we could successfully hit our target audiences. I surely do not have that.

For third year, I suddenly realize I not only do not have the style to talk, but I also lose my confidence to go in front and voice out my ideas. I simply do not think this is the consequence for a month plus hiatus from college but I myself develop some kind of fear. Fear for being banned, fear for what people thinks. Many kinds of fear. And for this fear, I feel is rather not fun to stay here anymore. 

My truthfulness, my frankness also fired me back because I accidentally hurt a one elderly's heart. I didn't realized until one day I ventilated how that elderly was wrong to me, that I be frank with her. I was completely wrong. I hit the wrong target. I didn't use my soft skill, because yes, I do not have strong solid soft skill. I never will. 

Even to some friends, I always talk to, I feel insecure. Until I don't find the solution, that I decided to remain silent. Silent is gold like old saying goes, so yeah perhaps this is better. To keep quite. 

Flowing Water

As the smooth river flows, without halt, till Allah Taala says so, due to drought; did we see the resemblance that we could follow with the flowing river water?

Istiqomah. Another Arabic word I started learning after I joined tarbiyyah. Simply means, continuity in doing our deeds for the deen. Seems easy? Nope it's not.

Being a woman, as for me, I tend to have the phase where I feel very lazy to do my ibadah, and that reckons me that my period of the month will come any minute. But soon after a week of 'break', after the crying of the uterus, suddenly the phase of rejuvenation comes in twine.

You see, our weak hearts are getting weakened by so many forces. By human forces, by environmental forces as well as physiological forces. We thus really in need of Allah, of his mighty words to keep us stand still, stand rigid. If this doesn't happen, guess what will happen? We might dwell with excessive unnecessary thoughts on loneliness, on boredom. But life never is lonely. We have Allah. And the Holy Book, The Quran. But the thing is do we really realize of this?

One method that I found that we should practice is to read, scan, and skim the Quran at least once a day. Come on! If some of us can actually take a big thick novel to read in just a day, why don't we take reading Quran as a habit? Every time after each of our daily five-times prayer? And every good did needs an initiation. Within ourselves, all we have to do, is to push. Set our negative thinking aside and just started doing. Once you gain momentum, voi'la it's becoming easier inshaAllah:)

Istiqomah in waking up early. Also one of my mujahadah. There are so many things we can do once we wake up as early birds. You would able to perform your obligation, the Subuh prayer. You could also wake up for tahajjud if you woke up earlier, you can then strengthening your physique by going to the gym, you can do your laundry, you can cook breakfast, you can perform your dhuha prayer....gosh, the list of things we can do once we wake up early is just endless. I often have hard time waking up early. After subuh, I return to dreamland because the bed is so much a distraction. But after waking up, the feeling of regret is just so big that it halted me to do things I feel I wanna do. At least, nowadays, paying for gym had made me easier to wake up early. At least. This also needs istiqomah. May Allah help me!

A senior has been living and sleeping with me during her study week recently. She saw me burning the midnight oil but still can still wake up early. So she asked me the tip. I told her this: JUST WAKE UP! One day I watched this video from Saudi Arabia in youtube, showing how the shaithon who is beside us, will whisper not to wake up for Fajr Prayer. Wow. That video is really freaking me out hahaha! So just wake up once your alarm rings. Just fight the bad whisperer! But right now I am again facing the problem. Wonder why so tired lately though :(

Istiqomah in becoming the 'superdaie', becoming the one who can bring Islam to another level, in other words the Muslims who give momentum to dakwah is harder. Because to start dakwah, we are doing it in troops, in a group. We need a whole set of togetherness, we need to really understand the concept of ukhwah, being good to each other who are in the same path as us, but as time goes by; it's hard to be husnozon. Husnuzon, means to ONLY think the best of others. What they do, what they say; you must think of no evil. Even if you do, you must then istighfar. But trust me, we are humans, and we do prejudice. We make assumptions, and to be a good daie' is how far you can resist those evil whispers. I am trying hard. So just keep praying that we all can resist the nastiness of the worldly evils. 

And just today, in a session of usrah, the leader of my group was feeling a bit down. Because one of our member who already knew we had a sitting session; went for a movie instead. Peer pressure that is. But then, who to be blamed? I mean we are now adults. We can think what best for us. But my leader (naqibah) kept thinking that because our usrah is a bore that made another member feels it's okay to skip the sitting for a movie. It was a stern long hour of discussion. I hate stern discussion but it feels sad, when our own naqibah is starting to becoming disheartened. It's so hard when every body just loses their momentum. But what should we do now? What should I do? 

Being in another level; whereby we wanna get closer to Allah. To becoming HIS agent for dakwah is certainly not a mere task. It needs perseverance and a lot of patience. We lack of these. Also, we lack of the sense of Ukhwah; togetherness. We judge a lot. We judge if someone prefer to not go for a sitting once, that her heart might has mislead. Or she might have gone wrong somewhere in her mind. We lack of Husnuzon; thinking of just the best of others. And we tend to only treat our other sisters who are in the dakwah path good, but when one of them do not want to join; we tend to treat her like a stranger. And what is this??? I am seeing all these. Plus, we lack the sense of humanity when we speak. We aren't cautious enough while we speak. We hurt others without we realize. 

We go for daurah/long journey of sisters meeting without telling others the purpose; we put exclamation on their heads rather than telling our true intention. We are basically making Islam a very hard religion. A very complex part of life. Somehow this is really what I see these days. Somehow or rather this is why; we lack of attraction as sisters/brothers in Islam in portraying the best Islamic view towards our peers, towards people around us. We lack of that virtue. Now reflect. Before giving others words of tarbiyah; set our mind, am I good enough to preach? Am I good enough for people to really understand Islam through me? If people see me, would they say that I am a good Muslim? Play people's hearts are best with characters. But yet; we keep thinking what we did are good enough. The answer is always a NO. In dakwah, there's never good enough. Because it's never as easy. 

>>p/s: Before blaming others for not understand, for not understanding our so called 'Priority for the Deen'; lets together reflect the mistakes we had made and thoroughly correcting them. Wallahualam<<

To make or not to bake

I really fond of baking. And 99.9% of you must be superbly annoying reading this, about a girl who wanna talk about her cooking experience. Come on! Stop this trend already! Where girls post "Hey look guys! I bake muffins today. They got blueberry jam in them"

I am getting tired of this technology era. Where we are more fond to tell people what we are doing. I don't mind the act of sharing ideas, sharing opinions and perspective. But telling everyone what you are wearing today for an instance is such a loser attempt. Sorry if you feel that I am talking to you. Truth is, I am pointing this to myself.

Perhaps, if we reduce some time telling most of the people we don't even have connection in real life, about where did we go; like in 4square; or telling what we eat and post a picture in Instagram; we could actually do something more useful. Like cleaning up the house, doing the laundry, composing a nice short story, take your cat for a shower hahaha. Sort of things. As for me, if I could just been away from all those eagerness to be open to public, I could have finish reading all my topic for Fracture in Orthopaedic block. 

And now, I am really confuse whether to bake a cake or make a caramel pudding. My naqibah's birthday, and I didn't even wish her. Cooking is the only means; since love always start from the tummy and love is the special ingredient to all food. Thus, in my conclusion, I'd say; if you are too shy to convey love through words or gestures. Send them through food. 

>>P/S: technology is already smart enough in making people more stupid to make even small decision by themselves. And people often forget that 99.9% of people they interact with on the line, don't even care for them. Even I am too stupid to fall into that category. <<

Hujung Tanduk

Fine people. Rumor has it. I mean it's not a rumor any more, but this is the fact. The fact that our pro examination is being forward to an earlier date. The 16th of July to be precised. 

This is super shocking and choking us to death. (Ok exaggerating) But seriously? Why did all of these changes? It was okay at first, it was fine at first. The new schedule makes us puke blood. And torture I must say, for me literally.

This should be our original schedule for pro exam. Which I think runs smoothly and just nice to note that most of the students bought our flight ticket on 1st August. If it finishes by 19th, what are we gonna do here for 2 weeks? Nak buat kuih raya ke???

I already contact the USM Kubang Kerian's behalf, and they told me, they will stick to the original schedule. Okay, then why change ours. Straight a week without any gap in between is so cruel to the brain, to the soul. Lol, again I am exaggerating.

Nevertheless, if we have to stick to the new schedule, let's pray that we all can do it well. Nothing we can do rather than rely on the power of Allah All Mighty.

>>p/s: why did I complaint about this? If Allah said Kun Fa Ya Kun, then it happens. Why should I care to burden my head with this? Astaghfirullahalazzim<<

Too childish

Please be considerate. I have been telling this to the colleague I have here like thousand times. But, I guess, they are just too stuck-up to notice how they have been selfish and never want to reflect what littlest thing they did cause trouble to the others.

Being a high committee members for the 83 students seem to be an easy job. It must be easier than what a friend of mine would have to deal with at USM Kubang Kerian; with more than 100++ students to manage. However, it is just harder than I thought it would be.

Maybe it's my fault that I didn't communicate well that the others won't listen. But sometimes, I am tired to improve. Improve in order to become the leader they really want to have. Other bureau members are having similar problems too. We have mess bureaus members. They are in charged in ensuring the food we have daily is at par to what we have paid and at par to what we want to eat.

It costs us RS5000 a month; almost equivalent to RM300 for mess. The two members are responsible to collect the mess fees every month; as to hand it over to the mess contractor. Sadly, many of the colleague here are just too stubborn to go to the nearest ATM and withdraw that bloody RM300 for what they eat daily. In the end, it caused the two bureau members for the mess, to use up their own money in order to pay for the mess.

Sometimes, we tell these kids every single day to pay, but some part in their brain are just loosen up I think. They can't even interpret the easiest message conveyed to them. Then, they would blame that they haven't been online so they didn't know the message that was posted in our FB group. That's a total lie!

In class on the other hand, we would get these feedback forms for every block we are going to learn. By the end of each week we have to pass in the papers to the staff available. Today, many of them still haven't give the feedback forms even though they were told before to bring the papers. Why can't they just keep that bloody papers in their bag? Fill it quickly, and just hand it over when it is necessary? Why is it that hard? Sometimes I doubt that I am living with so-called-International-diploma graduates. Like seriously! (not everyone that is)

For bus for instance. One fine day, I almost made myself turning into evil by making a pity bus driver for almost losing his job. The bus driver was frequently coming late to serve as our driver and caused us to have attended the class very late. I went to the director and talked to him straight to the face and complaint regarding this matter. The issue is now solver, the bus driver repents and now the problem is inside the students themselves.

I am getting tired of hurrying around people, shouting could you please hurry!! like a mad person. Every single day, each and everyone of them, is going to be inform if the class starts early so they have to get into the bus at the exact time as planned. Now that the bus driver is punctual, the students act like a stupid VVIP. I am furious to know those living at 2nd or 3rd floor who came down so late and running to get into the bus as well. When the bus stops at the place, where the male students wait, the other male students would seem like having a breezy walk, not even bother to run to catch the bus and realized that they are making every one late!

For some reason, if this act of selfishness still outgrowing, how can they think they are eligible to become good doctors? I doubt and doubt. 

A lesson-on Life Saving

First Aid block is gonna emerge next week. A block which I am eagerly want to learn since it's a basic knowledge that all future-wannabe doctors should know and then apply upon stepping into the clinical field.

Our deputy dean, Prof KJ, who is a super-doctor to me, has this abundant of experience and knowledge that he would like to share with us. So yesterday, he was kind enough to give a lecture on the Do's and Don'ts in Disaster. 

The class started as early as 8 am. But, at JNMC the class is earlier, so we shouldn't complain. And yesterday, I woke up early alhamdulillah. A great thanks to mama usrah who kindly came to my room and woke me up. I was ready to go at around 7.30 am. I went to the canteen and I was so delighted with the Puri breakfast; which is my most favorite Indian breakfast of all time.

Bus wasn't there on the foyer to send us to the campus. I didn't pay much attention for the absence of bus since I usually walked to class. To make things complicated, the shortcut which we used often that is walking down the JNMC aisle cannot be used since a big hole is being dig. Thus, all of us need to use the long way, which is literally far. 

Walking like a thunder rather than running as baju kurung inhibits us from doing so, we managed to arrive at 8.12 am. I saw many other collegemates outside the classroom and I was happy that I thought the class haven't started yet. To my surprise, it was a surprise that Prof KJ let Ryan to lock the door and not permitting us to enter. 

Everyone looked so down. Some of them was fasting, and they came running. Some of them mistakenly took the shortcut, but needed to climb the gate to cross over as they wanna go to Prof KJ's lecture. What an agony when 2 minutes late was consider as our fault. 

But to reflect, yes it was our fault. Now that I know the bus driver wasn't the one to be blamed as he wasn't being informed about the 8 am class. Other friends managed to arrived early because they were more cautious, and so they left the hostel earlier. Merely, those who were 2 minutes late, were just being careless and thought that the kind fatherly Prof KJ would be as fatherly when it comes to attending his lecture.

And so yeah, the other 40++ students weren't able to get into the class, and so they sat outside, on the corridor. Some of us were very sad and disappointed. He showed to the rest of 20 students in the class about his experience in Afghanistan and such. It was tearful that we couldn't join.

As the class ended, he exited the lecture hall and wanted us to write a letter why were we late. It was like an avalanche falling to our head. Of course pin pointing on blaming others is certainly something a wannabe doctor should not do. 

Prof KJ merely did that as to teach us a lesson on punctuality. As in emergency, a doctor couldn't blame time that runs too fast that he might kill a patient. He should rather blame himself of not being punctual. A patient could die any minute if a treatment could not be done because a doctor was actually late. This gives a lot of self-threaten moment in myself. 

I usually early to attend lectures. Allah has definitely want me to be more responsible and be punctual everyday. I guess everyone feels the same too...

And here one quote:

>>p/s: sorry to the person who I made him lost his job today. Truth does hurts.<<

Tuang kelas

Assalamualaikum.

After the lovey dovey, not-so-stress environment of the students of USM-KLE, now the strict rules began to take play. HARHARHAR! I like this.

Before this, after these 6 months being here as first years, for the first 2-3 blocks (first semester), the students in my class were very diligent. They came for every class everyday, and carved a big nice smile onto the Indian lecturers' faces. Then, the somewhat hardworking and 'schematic' behavior of frequent attendance has decrease, day by day.

Reason of this might be due to the fact that, most of the students develop a tremendous 'wound' after the immunity loss the battle with the foreign particle or any antigens that were unrecognized by their bodies. They fell ill, they were admitted and number increased so bad. That's how we were forced to have our own kitchen (with Indian chef) called MESS, where we would have our daily meal, for RM300 per month!

Nowadays, 6 months had passed. Students aren't getting ill anymore (other than fever which is common), but the number of absentees are still so high. After the end of selanjar, and just during the opening week of the 2nd semester, the lecturers worked hard to do this feedback selanjar 2 thing which we discussed the topic that had been asked during the exam. For me, it's a super duper important class. What not, it was meant to help us in knowing where we got wrong, knowing where we can improve and who knows the questions might reappear. Sadly, not that I am saying I am the goodie shoes here, but most of the colleagues here didn't seem to bother about this matter. And so, they were absent. 

Even for dissection which can be a very boring and sleeping class, many of us (must-not-be-named), would still prefer to ignore how importance is the fact that they need to attend the dissection. I knew it well how most of them were not ill, and if they were, they would just have a typical slight headache or something. I could just say that they were irresponsible. MARA send them here for the sake of taking class, and learn. Not simply, banked in a sum of money for you to enjoy the day at bed instead.

So, recently, when our lecturers had detect this problem, they told our Prof KJ. One day, the deputy dean, came into our class with a long list of names in his hands. The names were those who fail to attend dissection and other lectures plus, they failed to hand in their letter of absentees. 

If they fail, to do so, or without any reasons for their absentees, Prof KJ will send their documents to MARA, and what do you think MARA will react? 

I just hope that these colleagues of mine have some thought of considerate. Think about how passionate the lecturers are when in come to teaching. I know the Indian Lecturers are not paid that much compared to those in Malaysia, but still they worked super hard to let some medical facts get into our heart and brain. Also, they must always think the reason why the took this path at the first place. Because playing truant is gonna become a habit later on, and could they stand long hours in hospitals upon graduating if they started it first? Sometimes I ponder. 

No matter how genius or good you are during medical schools, but keep being absent with out no reasons, you are in a wrong path towards this noble career. And how good you are in your religion, giving religious talks here and there to people, but if you can't change this attitude, you're just nowhere near towards becoming a great doctor. 

>>p/s: I am writing not because I am pissed, in fact I am not the one who get consequences if they the one who playing truant. I just want them to realize and for you out there, who are still in quest for learning to think deeply. Mom and dad send us here not because to see we enjoy rather than study when the time is really meant for studying. Even, I am learning from my words too.<<

When you learning strategy FAILS

assalamualaikum everybody.

Tau tak yang saya langsung tak boleh jawab exam pagi tadi. 

AND saya langsung tak tau mana silap saya...

BACA, ULANGKAJI, tapi tak masuk....

Well, I love the Nervous Block because I feel like a neurologist. But now, I think it's impossible for me to actually be in line for the next neurologist like Prof Jafri Malin Abdullah of USM. 

Just that, this morning was terrifying. Knowing that my knowledge is saturated but the brain failed to memorize or recall most of the important aspects that I have to know for this subject, was scary....I mean it is still scary now. 

We have this book called Unlimited Paradigm, a compilation of various questions usually being asked for this block courtesy of the recent students of USM Kubang Kerian. Unfortunately, due to my ego, I haven't touch the book thoroughly, just had a glance look and tell myself that I don't need it as a reference. 

But, Allah wants to show his way to me this morning, whereby I was fully blacked out on questions like nerve tracts and I think I am getting a 'chicken egg' for biochemistry. Sedihhhhhnyaa....! I feel so dumb that I would cry out tears. 

End block is super tiring, super worrisome, super terrifying and exhausting. I mean this is medical school that I always longing to come right? What else should I expect? *Clap, Clap, Clap* Because my life will go like turbulent after this. Thus, I really need a new strategy to overcome this.

>>p/s: New block on Homeopathic System is gonna start this Monday for 2 weeks. Oh...how hectic, and community placement was too boring for me. Emm. Any ideas how to instill my empathy towards those who are unlucky???<<

Anatomy is FUN!

Assalamualaikum people !

Just feel a little better after feeling some sickness because the broadband turned into berukband. Luckily, after some persuasive actions done to Sachin, a worker at Tata Docomo, I finally can use this berukband to go online. And to live in India, patience would be your greatest alliance.

Buying broadband after a month here is a must since wireless connection is no way to access. Moreover, living on the highest floor, despite having this beautiful scenery outside the window and a big balcony, I face problems to have good connection, whether it is phone line or Internet.

Scratch that by the way. What I am gonna brag about is on anatomy. Bought two thick books of anatomy atlas. I am in love with one of the book from Thieme which also comes with this amazing helpful flashcard and makes anatomy on the go! And what made me please living here, is that the medical books can be bought at a much cheaper rate compared to Malaysia. I have been telling about that a lot of times in this blog but that's the reasons why we here at USM KLE has no reason to fail. Speaking about failure, I am so freaking scared when to note that First Selanjar is looming in two more weeks. 

burning the midnight oil with Thieme!

say hi to your long and short head of braceps brachii

Currently, what I can remember is those shoulder girdles anatomical terms. The scapula and clavicle are the common ones, then we need to know all the processes and which part is the sternal and acromial part as for clavicle. Subclavius groove, attachment for the trapezius, sternocleidomastoid muscles, the costoclavicular ligaments, the corocoid and the acromion processes and the various other muscles that help in abduction and adduction and more anatomical terms which will make one first year medical student feels on the air when he or she already know most of the terms without realising we have more to learn, the lower limbs, the skull and  list goes on.

tak pernah kubayang pentingnya seni....

Dissection class is certainly priceless when you have a good lecturer cum guidance to lead you through all those wet, formalin-soaked muscles and nerves and arteries. Going layer by layer, it is intriguing to know how Allah has made human into its best formation. To differentiate between arteries and nerves are quite difficult for me. Adding to the fact that, I cannot remember which nerves belongs to which cords. And every muscle has its own nerve and blood supply. One thing I can laugh about is to see how the boys in my dissection group who looks absolutely terrified because we are the only group handling a female cadaver. But, it's scary to see how amazing their heads are when it comes to remember all the parts. As for me, anatomy is like what a lot of lecturers said, it is a VOLATILE subject. In a minute, it is as if you know almost everything you learned. Once you wake up the next day, you can't even recall one of the muscles. O Allah! The MOST MERCIFUL, please give me the power of good memory.

One man selling ABC....dare to try?

Selamat Tinggal Tuan Nordin, merangkap cikgu BM paling cool dan paling penyabar:)

Also today marks the end of BM class after several holidays been occupied with it. To be frank, BM class is boring, but I start to miss Tuan Nordin already. For the last class, we had this essay test, to write a complete essay of 500-600 words. I by eccentrically, wrote about 1000 words and I hope he oversees it. See you again Tuan Nordin. In Malaysia that is. And please don't make me repeat the class next year:(

Plus, there is no reason to fail because almost every week, there will be another demonstration in the lab on the anatomical parts one has learned here. Laboratory installed with almost 20 LCD Sony TV is another benefits students at USM-KLE will get to feel. There's no need to slide in crowds of people to see how the demonstrations by the lecturers held in front. One can just sit and relax while watching the boring demo on the TV screen. Trust me when I said, most of the times, students will only go snoozing and let the TV watch them.

Thus, till here will I write for this time round. I am glad to have Internet back. Looking forward for another 'active' post even though I need more time to revise. But what can I conclude here is that, it feels nice learning anatomy because I feel more like a medical student. Biochemistry will only explode my head out and physiology is what I always love since Premed. 

>>P/S: Getting bored with the food here. I wanna drink fresh juices!!....and I think cooking in the hostel is totally tiresome<<

Syukur kerana tak cantik

One day, at beloved kampung, mom and I were getting ready for an open house at Pak Tam's. We were standing in front of the mirror. Fixing our tudung and wearing some bits of powder etc, for of course to look good. Every woman wanna look good during raya. Just agree on this LADIES!

"Mama....I look fat in this outfit...arghh geram" said me

"Ah..yeah...I noticed. Too much food I supposed. Biasalaah raya kan....lepas ni diet ler" said mom..being honest

"Arghhh...hate this..." I replied

"But remember. Being pretty is not good too for someone. Boleh timbul riak. Look at your sister" my mom added.

"So you should be grateful not being that pretty. It's good to be just normal as you are. So you won't be riak" she continued.

I admit I am jealous to see pretty ladies. I am even jealous at my sister. And that's bad. But then again, being just pretty in the face and on the outside when actually the inside is rusty, is worst than everything.

>>>p/s: kecantikan rupa paras bonus. ada yang cantik luaran dan dalaman. ada yang setakat fizikal sahaja. well, not that I am not grateful being ME...but humans do face jealousy most of the time. And not that my sister is just beautiful on the outside, she is kind and beautiful inside out, but sometimes she annoys us by being annoying. Mengada lebih....and I think that's normal for a pre-mature teenage girl <<<

Three Days

This is an emotional blog people. Mostly, you would here my whines and sad stories. Some would be great news, but then again, I might also, delete this blog one day URGE myself to write more on positive things. HEHE.

It has been 3 BLOODY days dayana azhar, face the fact already. You have gotten two amazing universities. Both are research universities, UKM and USM. So what's so sad? But yeah, UKM didn't offer what you wanted best right? 

So basically, after lotsa talking and discussion with mom and dad, with my cousins and all, I decided that maybe India is the best option. I would definitely, without doubt reject the Biomedical Science offer from UKM even though it is a bit interesting. To be frank it was the last option I had on the UPU, so I never imagined it got hooked. But Allah knows best.

On the same day, I knew I was offered Biomedical Science at UKM, that afternoon, came another offer. I never would imagine the interview at Kelantan  was worth it. Then again, I am glad that it was worth the journey and the adventure we faced. 

Alhamdulillah, it was USM-KLE International Medical Programme. I myself do not know what the heck it is at first, but MARA was the one who insisted me to apply and to go to the interview. This program is more like what UKM has with UNPAD. More like a twinning. Unfortunately, this would be a five years program at Karnataka, Belgaum, Bangalore, India. On the other hand, KLE is referred to Karnataka Lingayat Education, merely it is a new name for a former renowned Jawarhalal Nehru (JNMC) in India. 

Basically, the MOU between USM and KLE was signed only a year ago. It already has MMC accreditation and thus a good place to study. For details please just browse through this : USM-KLE and also HERE  It is not so bad at all, just that the problem is the news from MARA. So I guess I'll just have to wait.

Also, the hostels are of five class standard. And not to mention, the environment is chilling thus suitable for study and sleep purposes. HEHEHHE. Cadavers are abundant. I read one blog post from a senior telling that even in the first year, they already managed to get hands-on the cadavers, doing dissection which is SO FUN indeed. HEHEHE. 

But then again, noticing that I will be boarding to India soon and leave the family here and leave the dream to study medicine here, and the friends, and Khayra Amani, brought tears down. I have been crying for days, Both because of happy and sad. No matter how greener the grasses on the other side, ours will always be the best to step on :) I will miss UiTM badly. Why you didn't opt me? Why? I also hope my appeal gives me good news. I am still wanting to go to UiTM as they are lot of friends I already know. 

This is the dilemma. More stressful when a teacher from school who suddenly called me and said she has to adopt me if I really want her to help to get a place at UiTM or UKM. Apparenly, her husband is a doctor/cum lecturer and has a lot of connections at UKM and UiTM. So, I was thinking to use this cable but I need to have a strong relationship, that's why they want to adopt me. Sadly, I don't like to burden others. I hate to involve in some sort of complexity that would bring myself into a complete mess. Being an adopt child in a sudden? What is this?

 I then talked to my teacher's husband, and told everything. He of course frankly said that my results from asasi is not good enough to secure a place at UKM, and I know that. I realised the fact of being just plainly average for that course at UKM. But he is also lending me a hand for the appealing at UiTM but he did say that I should just go to India. Regarding UiTM, I have to send the details over to my teacher via email, which I haven't done it yet. Maybe tomorrow, em I just hate troubling people.

Naqib, a dear friend, then told me to be strong. He said, Allah loves me so much that he gifted me this wavy journey from the start. I should face this with patience. Because Allah has said in the verse of Surah AL Baqarah, Verse 286:

"Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. It will have [the consequence of] what [good] it has gained, and it will bear [the consequence of] what [evil] it has earned. "Our Lord, do not impose blame upon us if we have forgotten or erred. Our Lord, and lay not upon us a burden like that which You laid upon those before us. Our Lord, and burden us not with that which we have no ability to bear. And pardon us; and forgive us; and have mercy upon us. You are our protector, so give us victory over the disbelieving people."

Certainly, I have to go back and seek for guidance, and repent for what ever sins I committed that put me into this situation. 

Sabar Wahai Diri

Another obstacle. Be strong dayana azhar. Allah is with you. While writing this I am shaking. Shaking of despair. Shaking of emm sadness. 

But, Allah had written something in HIS Holy Qoran:

Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?

But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.

Surah Al 'Ankabut (29:2-3)

-Indeed. Thanks Allah for giving me this. A test to see how my imaan is. -

Sahabat.

She frustrates me. And I am more frustrated with myself, for not being able to help and guide her. I might not be the pious person she can look for if she needs someone to guide her. I myself have a lot to improve. I am just sad not to being able to be with her when perhaps she needed me the most.

She has always been the craziest person I know. Always the bravest and always the funniest. Always the zealous. But yesterday she shocked my heart out. She is now far estranged from the sirathol mustaqim. She makes me scared by all her confessions. 

To the ONE who in concern, all I want you to do is repent dear. Repent and never repeat the sins. I am praying for you day and night. Because again I am your friend.

Ya ALLAH,

Panjangkanlah umur sahabatku,

Kurniakanlah kesihatan yang baik padanya,

Terangilah hatinya dengan 'nur' pancaran iman,

Tetapkanlah hatinya,

Perluaskanlah rezekinya,

Dekatkanlah hatinya kepada kebaikan,

Jauhkanlah hatinya daripada kejahatan,

Tunaikanlah segala hajatnya baik hajat dalam agama, dunia dan akhirat.



Ya MUHAIMIN,

Jika dia jatuh hati,

Izinkanlah dia menyentuh hati seseorang

yang hatinya terpaut pada-Mu
agar dia tidak terjatuh ke dalam jurang cinta nafsu

Jagalah hatinya agar tidak berpaling

daripada melabuhkan hatinya pada hati-Mu

Jika dia rindu

rindukanlah dia pada seseorang yang merindui syahid di jalan-Mu



Ya ILAHI,

Jangan biarkan sahabatku tertatih dan terjatuh

                                            dalam perjalanan panjang menyeru manusia ke jalan-Mu

Jika KAU izinkan aku merindui sahabatku

Janganlah aku melampaui batas

                          
sehingga aku melupakan 'CINTA HAKIKI', 'RINDU ABADI' dan 'KASIH SEJATI' -MU

Ya ALLAH

kurniakanlah sahabatku

kesenangan, ketenangan, kebahagiaan, keberkatan & kecemerlangan

di dunia dan akhirat.

Sabah Detour: almost like Going Overseas

Assalamualaikum people who are kind enough to open one tab to actually read what I post. Thanks a lot for not making my effort to blog a waste. Anyhow, I miss blogging wherever I go, and have been quite a long time since I last post anything.

AlhamduLiLLAH to Allah Almighty Lord for allowing me to join 4 other friends to detour Sabah. We planned early since our foundation at Puncak Alam, whereby Chrystine our Sabahan girlfriend was eagerly inviting us to visit her place in front of the math lecture hall at dear UiTM Puncak Alam. Firstly, Sara Salleh, Balqis Isa together with Azneeza Manan and Nurul Ashikin were about to tag along, but they cancelled on the bit of the last minute due to parents' objection and some due to the fact that they are now working. Therefore, only Azyan Amani, Dina Azureen, Eliza Amira, the group leader; Dina Syafiqah and I who managed to say YES for the adventure. Hehehe :D

Chronology of our Adventure

1. Woke up as early at 5 AM to get ready with things to bring along was a drench after a while of not doing so. Flight to Sabah was at 9 am but it is a must for everyone who are going on board to reach early to the airport in case of anything. Our take of was at LCCT as we took the airbus 3220 Air Asia to hoar like bird to the Land Below The Wind.  And my dad and I were the first among my friends to reach at LCCT so we headed to MCD for breakfast. As we finished, the others finally arrived with their respective dads and mom except for Eliza who came with Dina.

9 am we boarded into the plane whereby we only afford to pay for the economy seats, but still they were comfy. On the plane, there was a birthday surprise for a little girl named Nurin who turned 6. She got a buffet voucher at Residence Hotel KL. Then there was a game where we can get the same voucher, the question was how many seats are there on the plane. The clue was there are 31 rows and each row has 6 seats, so how many?? can you count? The answer is 180...:P How did it turned that way? Well, it's in the pamphlets.

Two hours of a boring flight, finally landed on at Terminal 2 Kota Kinabalu International Airport (KKIA). We were escorted by our tour guide name Abang Yus which until now my friends tend to fond him. -.-'

We were astonished by the Sabah bluish clean beach and seawater. Reached Kota Kinabalu the capital and it looked rather 'tak membangun' compared to here in Semenanjung. We searched for our hotel to shelter ourselves from hot sun and wet rainy days. And I found it first! City Park Inn was the place where we stayed for 5 days 4 nights. It was definitely The amazing '5 star' budget hotel we afford to stay in.

Quiet shocked with the room we got. Superbly 'JUST NICE' for the 5 of us. A double decker and two queen beds. But then, the aircond started to turn lunatic and made us sweating all over during the second day after visiting the Islands. So they gave us another room which was a bit smaller T.T. Oh yeah that night we managed to get Chrystine to join in. She can drive superbly although with manual. I felt little T.T. She was kind enough to attend us and brought us to dine at a nice place which I forgot its name but it was somewhere at the Double Six thingy. Yeah blame me for the ignorance T.T. Oh yes, she also brought us to Tanjung Aru that night for some chill out. Yet no close pictures with her since I didn't bring my camera. What ler....-,-'

2. Day two we headed towards the Islands. Pulau Sapi and Pulau Manukan. Not that far from Kota Kinabalu, around 20 minutes by super fast boat. The journey was amazing. Rasanya yang paling syok kut. Pulau Sapi was spectacular, boleh snorkelling sampai lebam, since we were provided with yellow goggles and life jackets. Seriously we can see and touch the fishes ! But stingray and sharks are a No No. We can only pass the spots with green balls if I wasn't mistaken. The others are dangerous, tempat bot lalu.

Oh at Pulau Sapi we met with this Sabahan guy who happened to be a rescuer. He moved around with a kayak and invited us to follow him to the middle of the sea. Only one person was allowed to follow him at once, I was the last one. So yes, I followed him, he brought me in the middle of the sea where corals more clearly. He told me I better dipped in to touch the corals and see more fishes. I hesitated but then he said I need no worry since I had the life jacket on. So yes, I dipped in, but got troubles with my goggles whereby the salty water kept rushing into my nose. It bothered me to dip deeper. When I tried to get back into the kayak, the rescuer tried to pull me up but he fell too. Hahahaha! The kayak went upside down. It was terrifying. I supported my upper body to the kayak but my I tend to step onto one big-rough coral reef. I was  scared, my feet bleed, but I managed to get onto the kayak at last. He brought me back to the shore. My friends were scared when they saw what happened from far. They thought I drowned. Alhamdulillah everything was super alright. God gives me another life!

After a heavy lunch which contains lotsa seafood and meats, we went for a banana boat riding. I think the ride was a bit too much for rm 40 per person. Bila balik Selangor, my dad told me you can get the ride for rm5 at Port Dickson. But hey here's the difference. At Pulau Sapi we had the ride in the middle of the blue sea, if I were to do it at PD, it can only be done near to the shore. Tak best ler ye dak?

Next was Pulau Manukan, and here is where you can find Taman Tunku Abd Rahman. Basically the beach and the sea are of the same kind of Pulau Sapi. But here. there's some chalets to rent for those who intend to stay overnight, but not us.

3. Started early at 8 am for a trip to Gunung Kinabalu and Poring Hotspring. The journey was a bit harsh with roads happened to be so narrow and berbelit2. Make sure bring along a plastic bag to puke if you might have road drunk. Anyhow, it was fun shopping at the Kundasang shopping spot, the prices are lower than that at Phillipines Market. Sadly, when we reached there, had some money deficit. So can't buy whatever we wanted even though the prices are better.

Arrived at Poring Hotspring around 11 something in the morning. It's hot here. Hot tubs are everywhere but some are not functioning and dirty. Many tourists especially the Chinese and Koreans. The water from the spring happened to be milky like milk when you try to collect it in your hands. And yes, the water is super hot, good for skin. Berendam lama pun takpe asalkan bayar RM 3.

Bored with hot water, my friends then wanted to try the river and the waterfall. We trekked the narrow pathway of the jungle to the nearest one which located around 400 m from the hot tubs. And wearing only a flip flop slipper my feet became easily tired. Sore people! While other friends wore shoes T.T this what happened if you forgot to bring a pair of sneakers or sport shoes...

The journey was super tiring. My friends were excited because the waterfall as if it belongs to us alone. No one else was at the spot. So yeah, it was worth a walk. 

Done with solat and etc, we headed to a Chinese Restaurant for lunch. It was included in our package. The place was nice but doubtful whether they served HALAL or not. Mom advised me to be extra careful even though the workers seemed like muslims wearing veils on their heads. There's no halal logo except for a saying says 'No Pork Served'. T.T. The dishes came late and we were mocking hungry. The food was extremely sedap but the portion was too little until after 2 hours later we felt hungry again. T.T

It was raining quite heavily and add up to the cold weather, I was shivering. Not only that I forgot to bring along a pair of closed shoes but I also tend to leave my sweater at home. Thanks to the extra fat, it helped me to overcome the chill and Azyan told me to transfer some to Dinas who is damn thin. Hehehe. I told you being fat somehow beneficial.

Visited a market full with fruits and vegies. Couldn't buy any vegies because we can't cook in our hotel. Bought some cut fruits, sadly the fruits started to smell funny the next day and we realised how we lost RM 5 for the fruits. TSK TSK. Back home, mom advised, next time, buy fruits with their skins on and not the cut ones. I repent, mom. hehee.

Kabus menghalang pemandangan yang cantik. Well, my mom said the mountain looks nice in the morning midst. Unfortunately, we arrived at the spot in the mid day, thus the view jeopardized a bit. We went up till the veranda where the tourguide told us that it is actually a place where you would get your permit to climb up. And of course we didn't manage to climb up because it needs another RM 400 for that, plus we had no suitable attires on. No wonder the climbers stared at us strangely.

Took another 3 hours to reach Kota Kinabalu. It was nauseous along the journey. But before we went to sleep, we took our night out to the Night Market which located at the back block of our hotel. One more shopping spot, to find beads, more pearls and some GOLOK branded stuff. Not interesting though.

4. Paid another RM 170... TSK TSK...seriously too expensive...for what? For our one day experience to see the Monyet Belanda and fireflies. At first, the tour guide, Mr Yus, recommended us to go for rafting. I felt scared because the main reason I had no other clothes to wear since my wet attire went missing blew by the wind. But then, I didn't know by what chance that we ended up paying the same amount for the river cruise. 

We headed to a place called Sungai Kias if I wasn't mistaken, took a boat to a cruise in the middle of the river and spent the whole afternoon and half our evening on it. The cruise was okay....we did see the monyet belanda with the long red nose but we mostly saw their buttocks on the tall trees. Tried to captured it into photos, sadly, they became quite blurred since we viewed from far. At night, we had seafood and rice for dinner, which was delicious. Did see fireflies but not as blazingly lighten as what I saw in the TNB ad on TV ....tsk tsk. One thing that happened was that, my friend managed to catch one firefly and put it inside a bottle, plus there's one which followed us into the van to KK.

5. Last day of our vacation we had no good activities to mention. Spent longer time to sleep till brunch hours and packed our things up to return to Peninsular. We needed to check out at 1 pm but the tour guide would only pick us up to the terminal at 6 pm. We left our handful luggages at the receptionist, planned to walk around town but it rained heavily. Sat down at the lobby where thank GOD there's HBO. Watched Anaconda for a whole while waiting for the rain to stop. Then we had lunch at one mamak restaurant called Mohaidin something even though Eliza and Dina wanted to have KFC Cheesy Wedges. I insisted to go to mamak because I thought the price will be lower but I was wrong. The mamak taukey cheated and everyone's food cost RM6.50 even though some of us took lesser food than the other. Sorry guys!!

Fulled with nice lunch, we then took a walk to the wet market to find prawns for Dina. We were actually searching for the Sunday Market but ended up taking pictures by the sea. Gone for another last shopping spree at the Phillipines Market. Needed to quench our thirst, we went down the food bazaar next to the Phillipines' Market where you can get many grilled food and fresh coconut juices. Sat down for some drinks and then walked again to find the prawns but no prawns were found nearby the food stalls. Dina wanted to buy prawns at the first shop we stopped by but sadly the shop closed. She looked rather down so we continue the adventure for prawn seeking. At last, Alhamdulillah she found one shop nearby the KK Big Market and bought prawns with a big smile on the face. We were glad. 

At 5 pm, Mr Yus arrived to pick us up to the terminal. Before that, he was kind enough to bring us to the beach near Sutera Harbour and next time if you have more money, you can rent and stay at the five star hotels around Sutera Harbour, said myself to myself. Hahahah. Took our last memoir photos with MR Yus by the beach but we were a bit frustrated not to visit the Bajau Laut houses which floats on the sea water. Maybe next time...

Our flight boarded off to KL around 9 pm, with Air Asia. And we bid farewell to Sabah and its people. It has been awesome, especially with our friends along. I sat with Azyan Amani on the flight, but the others sat quite far at the back so the 2 hours flight seemed a bit boring without the other three girls. Hahaha.

Finally, we needed to go home fast since the parents were already waiting at the terminal. My dad and mom and sister were there since 9 pm so they nagged me for lateness. Couldn't hide the bad feeling had to leave my friends, the ever good friends I had. Hope to see them all again next time. Insha Allah.

>>>p/s: to be continued, tips for BETTER holidays. Something I learn myself from my mistakes, T.T<<<

Vague Minds

Above title means : unclear, blurred minds. That what I have right now. This instance. Why?

1. Money-less

- Who wouldn't care if her/his bank account suddenly showed a sudden decrement? Maybe I am over-reacting but this situation put me in cold feet. EY? Yes. One of the things in this whole life world that I DESPISE the most is seeing how bad I did in controlling my lust for shopping. Like every woman on this Planet Earth, I like shopping. My cousin always goes shopping when she's on stress at work. She said it's a therapy and yes it is a therapy. But, this therapy is so barbaric to me. It worries me to hell.

-So, one day, I had lunch at one restaurant at Kajang Sentral (as if everybody knew where it is). After finishing my luncheon,  I stumbled upon an advertisement nearby regarding a vacancy at Smart Reader. It needs a Fardhu A'in and English tutor. So, I took the contact number, IN CASE, I wanna work there. Well, I definitely eligible to work at that place because the location is not a problem to go, since I can even WALK to work. T.T

-One night, I told my mom how worried I am for what happened to my savings. Of course, Mom isn't the kind of mother who would see her daughter struggles for cash. She would bank in some for me, but I insisted that I am old enough to find my own solution, because I am capable not a handicapped. 

2. Work??

- So, I almost on my way to start becoming productive for a job seek. Yesterday, I started by searching for my SPM result slip. However, after 30 minutes searching, I found nothing except for some photocopied ones. Can't find the original, and I am freaked out already! But after tired searching, my mom said, Go take the certificate instead, since it can replace the original slip. I was like okay....waiting for my world's best driver and good friend to tag me along :/

- My another friend, Mimi, who was my job seeker companion during SPM over-days, wants to go for job seeking at KLCC. High salaries if you work at the capital, said she. I understood why she wants to work there despite the distance and the annoyance she has to bear to go there everyday. She said, she wants independence, and that's good because she's a pro in being one. I somehow envy her for that.

3. Exercise

- I used to jog every morning for the last 2 years with my little sister since she schooled in the afternoon. It was rejuvenating and refreshing. Even I jogged with my dad so often till my abdomen felt damn hurt. But, now, since my sister only came home in the afternoon and sleep afterwards and my dad has becoming too old to jog, thus I have no companion. Yeah another excuse. But jogging alone is dangerous especially around my neighborhood. To add more, there's another construction going on nearby, for another Kajang called Kajang 2. The place used to be full of greeneries and it's so good to jog surrounded by those greens, but now, not anymore. It is just a piece of big sand land. T.T With big trucks everywhere and sands and cements, and plus, the immigrants living nearby, to jog around seems like a dream...

-Badminton is what I used to be good at. With 4 rackets I had, it was so fun to play games with friends. My best buddy Chiam, who was my companion every morning, and used to wait for me at the bus stop to head towards our best place to play, is now no longer here. I have less reason to play the game. Alia is another friend, but she's too busy and seems like she had no interest to play with me. My rackets seems gone too, because my brother had been keeping them at his friends'. Arghhh...tense!!

5. Food Fiesta.

-I have been bad at controlling my hunger. Eat so many things and just eat what mom recommends. I hate that she cooks so many oily foods and I have just to eat them because I am hungry, but I know it's bad for health. 

6. UiTM and havoc

- UPU tells us the innocent kids, there will be an interview for those opted for critical courses like medicine and dentistry and pharmacy. So, to cut short, yesterday was the day for us to check for the call. Like always, my name wasn't short listed. I was again frustrated. But keep it cool, then I know, none until this far has got into the interview. Thus, the havoc begun. Everyone from asasi, kept posting in the Facebook page, on the matter. Whether yes or not, that the courses need interviews. Argh...confusing.

7. My dad's latest hobby

- My dad is currently obsessed or in a deep interest towards korean dramas. I was like okay at first, but then every single time he will popped out in front of me and asked whether I have download the recent episodes. It feels great when I like the same series as he does, but when it contrasts, I just feel damn bored. Right now, he likes a drama call Take Care Agashi, which I think super duper boring. But, at least, by letting him enjoy this, it's the least I can do.

>>>p/s: sakit hati lantas rasa macam nak makan orang T.T<<<

Pre-mature

Dealing with a pre-mature kid is somehow tiresome. Everything seems unclear what has she got in mind. And that she, is my baby sister. I love my dear sister as anyone would miss theirs. Because she's my flesh and blood. Once upon a time, my baby sister is acknowledge as my best friend, rendering herself close to me and would listen to everything I tell her without much replying. 

She was much more like a big sister actually. I was quite a bad sister; showing hideous examples to her and showing ignorance towards religious stuff. But, at that time, she was completely different. After compulsory solat, she would moved on doing the sunat, then she would recited the Qur'an and read religious books and preachings. I on the other hand, was a total opposite, well now too but improvised a little.

Fifteen years old is how she aged by now. I used to remember a dream I made, going out with her for fun, to shop till drop and to do almost everything with that girl by the time she aged 12, but now, I seemed to have vanished the dream. It seems impossible to be a reality. Much of what I recognized her right now, is that, she would have much more fun hanging out with her childish annoying friends. Some are okay, but some are plainly annoying. I even unfriend many of them because of the sickness seeing how my newsfeeds with their childish posts. 

She used to sulk when my parents and I left her at school and we went for grocery shopping at Tesco. She would cry for hours because we didn't bring her along. She would follow us to wherever we go, because she used to feel scared staying home alone, she used to eat a lot and would eat anything that mom cooks, she would enjoy debating with my dad over littlest matters and brought us with a lot of laughter that shines the house but all of these seems fading away the more she turned into a teenage girl. I somehow dislike the teenage version of my sister.

the cute her

What caused all these? Lack of attention? This is definitely untrue. She is the most pampered child in the family since she's the youngest. Our master bedroom has somehow turned into hers, because she hates sleeping with me. The cause of all these is the technology; INTERNET. Facebook is the devil who bring and cradles her away from the family. Every day when she comes back from school, she would run upstairs, going Online. Chatting with her childish friends for hours, locked the door and would never stepped down the stairs to take a look at us. She doesn't even care about food nowadays, eat fruits all day long. She has less involving in doing housechores because she sees me at home daily on a long break, that could do those jobs. She can't even wash her own plates because she can't get her hands wet due to allergy and all she does is online and study for PMR. 

Other reasons, could be BOYS. Well, I knew it quite deep on how being a beauty on the face could attract teenage boys at school. Even, boys from other schools she met during school trips been giving her presents and love texts. I knew she is smart by ignoring them but still those attentions deter much of her attention and love-seek from us, her true family. I pity my mom who has been really worry on how she transform. But, to give the reason on her examination performance is not that smart either as she scored very well in her papers, in fact, she is better than me. Mom seems like she had no other choices. She loves my baby sister so much because she is her youngest. 

Pre-matured girls are hard to deal with and sometimes annoying. I despised the way she acted like when she really needs me but giving me no sense of gratitude after the help I gave. I despised her disrespectful presence. I need her to change, change into a sister and not some kind of girl whom I unfamiliar with. Period.

>>>p/s: seeing how my siblings and I grow up, later we will leave the house and let our parents stay at home under the loneliness dimmed lights would rather bring sadness. I can sense their sadness and sorrow through their eyes. Through the tone they speak to us and through the moment we kiss their hands. I ponder how I used to misbehaved and acted stupidly around them, but still, they love me no matter what. Parents are gifts from Allah Taala. We don't get the chance to choose them, but they are the best ever meant for us. Love them while you can.<<<