The Entity

My photo
Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

Welcome Message

And remember, it always rain hard for those who deserve The Sun. :)

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Monday, 20 September 2010

When all the spirit lost to nowhere

Yes, the whole foundation students in UiTM and I bet in other foundation center in Malaysia, would encounter the fearsome semester 1 Grand Finale starting either today or tomorrow. Mine will be tomorrow, starting at 2.15 p.m and ends at 5.15 p.m for Physics I. The words to describe my emotion right now are indescribable. At times I feel like YES I NEED TO DO THIS LIKE SUPER GOOD! but then, I become reckless and I become completely in a dream world. It's like having this devil in front of me that tell me to just overjoy the break, and just do not have to study. I do not know why until now. There's no answer. I am now thinking of the future. The future which I have two choices. The first one is the future where I see light. But, that will only happen if I make a full preparation. The second future, is full of tears, which I rather see it more likely to happen. Arghhh!!!

I do not want to work hard but seeing no GOOD RESULTS, sadly it always happen.  

this is all I can say to those like me.

Reminiscing to the past, I was rather strong and full of determination during SPM years. Those 2 years before SPM, was meaningful. I was the most hardworking student the school had and I devoted my whole life for it. I studied so hard because I want to reach that one dream. To enter a University. At that time, I do not know anything about scholarships and I did not have that wide view of the dream to pursue medicine. Teachers kept preaching how we must do hard to get the spot at universities, and thanks to God, I succeed, at least for now. I wanted UIA so badly, and yet I didn't get UIA and got UiTM, a place where I was dying telling everyone how I do not want it so badly. Now, all I have to do is keep on living in a place where I keep a lot of hatred feeling of uneasiness. T.T

I think no one can stop me from having the feeling of despicable towards the place, since that is what we suppose to do when we do not LIKE something, right? I tried to have fun, I tried to make friends, I tried to hide the bad feelings but sorry, just couldn't. My aunt asked how was it studying there, I answered, BEST GILAO! meanwhile deep inside, I can't feel joy because I don't quite SEE where I am heading to after all those hardcore examination. All I see is hardness, difficulties and dimness, behind all those fearsome moments of hard studying and terrible laboratories work. The brain just stop there.

Back in college, everyone did study hard. But, some didn't because it was private. I did work hard because the vision was clear. Every month the agent would come to see us, his clienteles, and tell us to work hard, to get confirmation from the universities we are about to attend. Everyone of us were close friends, since not many were of the same races. Malays were countable unlike here in UiTM, and we like a family. We were like a family of one TARGET of one DREAM, that is to go to medical school and become a doctor. As the vision was so clear at that time, we just focusing on getting a CGPA of 3.00 above despite the difficulties of mobility. I woke up early every morning to catch KTM as to reach to KL before 8.30 a.m and it was fun. I now miss KL like sooo much. T.T Perhaps, it was because of I was being too proud of my plan, that Allah took it away from me. I might had been forgetful how HE is the one who can only take what he had given to HIS servants. I was just boastful and forgetful, now living in the repercussion. 

maybe I could not FEEL and SEE this for now, maybe later, insyaALLAH

I admit how ENVIOUS I am, seeing Nicky, Zaki and those friends who will be flying soon. Nicky would aboard today and all the luck for him. I also admit that its so lame of me for thinking about the past, and its so stupid of me to post this, but its the reality: so hard to accept the fact when one of our dream seems faded, because at one time, it was so clear. I lost the spirit, the friends I had, and it stopped there. When mom called me just now, telling me to study hard, there's nothing I could tell, but opening the mouth, and said, "Yes". I just do not want to let her down, let my dad down, but they always let me down. Is this the sacrifices I need to work out for my future? Perhaps, it is. 

>>I am praying for the easiness for tomorrow and the afterward. <<

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Between Bizzarre, Lazy and Unthinkable

Noticing that Tuesday will be the day for me to attend Physics Examination for this Semester 1, freaks me out on and off. I have this one feeling that I can answer them well, without putting too much effort and burning the midnight oil for the exam. I just do not know why since I never am really good at any of the subjects of sciences. Perhaps, the title smart as people consoled me often, shouldn't be bragged. It shouldn't be referred to me at the first place, as I am just no one, but a mere average student. I never got hundred percent for my exam paper except for modern math back at school, so as long as I haven't got that 100%, do not console me smart.

Holidays almost over for Raya time. I will be back to UiTM on Monday, after I convinced my dad that there will be no more lectures to attend. I will just need to return to UiTM to sit for my four papers, each took 3 hours to be answered. I have those sample Questions from previous semesters, I looked at them for just few minutes, and wondering if I would shiver and become anxious to complete it within the time given. Right now, what I am worried about, is Mathematics. It is such a burden to learn math here in college unlike high school. Plus, math is the only subject that is compulsory to be an A if one wants to attain a 4 flat. I somehow, underestimate my own self. For the quizzes of math I encountered all these while, my marks aren't satisfying. The lecture one day, called out my names out of many names that were listed to be drowning in mathematics, whom marks were getting lower and not improving. I sighed. The questions were not that difficult, but I just do not know why I can be so careless over them. Screwed me!

Oh yeah, at least for this 2 weeks holiday, I did accomplished something important: that is a visit to my best friend, late Chiam's house. I planned to go there with Huda and Mimi at the first place, but in the end, I went to her house, with Alya and Maizurah. Yesterday, at Huda huge and beautiful house, her parents kept telling us to at least spend some time and pay a visit. They also mention how hard is it for one to find a best friend in this world. Yes, that is true. Even though, many I met so far I can called friends, but in the end only ONE person will be engraved as the best friend of our lives. Just now, Maizurah, Alya and I went to Chiam's house, not very far from mine. Her house looked rather empty. I did not know how to call people inside, so I merely opened the gate outside without permission. We made our entry, and we saw something bizarre and scary. We saw, the television was on and there was a doll with a remote control on its lap. The doll was sitting on a chair and facing the television as if it was watching the television. Perhaps, Chiam's family put the doll that way, just to sooth their heart, and maybe that as a symbol that Chiam Win Nee never did leave them. I called out for people inside several times, but there was no sign that my voice was heard. We then looked at each other, and agreed to leave. But after that, we saw Chiam's mother in the kitchen and she saw us too. At last, the three of us, managed to see her mother who was alone at that time. She was crying when she saw us. I told her to be strong. I was rather speechless as well since not much of a chinese culture I know. We got inside, chatted a bit. But our conversation was trapped behind all the sadness that we keep down inside the heart. We left after everyone turned out to be in complete silent. We hugged her mom again, and all she could utter was, "Sorry, aunty tak tau raya camna". We smiled and made our way out.

According to her mom, Chiam stopped to have asthma at one time. But, at Genting she was rather silent about her illness. She was sick but she didn't tell. She collapsed on the day she should return to Kajang. Her brother who brought her to Genting, called the ambulance, but it was too late. Even at the hospital, my dear friend didn't get her treatment in immediate possibility. The doctor was late and everything was just too late, she died afterward, and it stopped right there. Hearing her mother's side of the story was disheartening. Raya was a bit dim without her and it will continue to be dim forever. It was just unthinkable.

my last photo with her during the awarding ceremony. I lost a friend who's smart and as the same interest as mine.

Among the bizarre-ness, laziness and unthinkable event, I need to standing still and move on while life wants me to be in its picture. First thing first that need to be completed is of course my final first sem exam. But why am I so lazy to handle anything with notes and exercises. Why am I in a sudden lose the spirit of becoming among them who could enter medical school? Why am I in a sudden feel like I could do good in the exam without proper struggling like I used to do? Why am I boastful? Why am I suddenly lost interest in Biology? Why am I suddenly feels like all I wanna do is not science but art? Why why why???

Friday, 17 September 2010


buat ape aku penat2 blogging, kalau takda sape pun perasan?

Hypocritically Smile

Notes: I really do not know whether the word Hypocritically does exist in the proper grammar, Tapi ape aku kisah!

My parents organized an open house. Yes, Buka Rumah seluas-luasnya for people around the neighborhood and relatives to come, and to eat like they never eat before. Note again that it was my parent's event and not mine. Thus, I did not invite any of my acquaintances to come by because...of several reasons.

Because, I had chores to do, washing the plates and all the things here. I told them to use plastic or polisterine cups and plates, but they ignore, so I was happened to be the servant for a day. Because, I am still mourning over late Chiam. I realized how ignorant I was, for not inviting her for Hari Raya here in at my place. I never did, and I regret it like crazy. She was my friend, the best one, and she's gone.Of course, I am unhappy. I wanted to invite others like huda, aina, nina, friends from school that I feel comfy to be with, but then again ....erk I just don't feel right to have people at this moment. Just now in present.

Many relatives that I met, or came over, merely asked the same thing. The thing about Russia, about the plan to go there for medic. Why oh why must I encounter this over and over. I almost succeed to have love towards UiTM and then this struck me like a lightning burning all over my body. Hurts so much. Adding to the pain, hearing those boastful stories about UIA, just like killing me seriously!! Yes, I study at Puncak Alam, if you do not know where is it, JUST GOOGLE IT !

When they ask like that, I smiled. When they ask, is it fun to study at Puncak Alam, I said, YES and grinned happily like a hypocrite. Being away from that place really sooth my mind. I just do not want to think more about the place. hahaha:) Bila hati dah tak suke, sampai bile2 pun takkan suke. Nak buat camne?

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

4 days, 700 pages, Moscow, Tsarina and Islam

Bumi Cinta. was a humanistic novel, as people can see from the cover: Sebuah Novel Pembangun Jiwa, which means A Novel For The Soul. I bought this book from dear Popular Bookstore which now can easily be found at Tesco Sungai Petani, Selatan. My little heart jumped with joy knowing I can get access for books and DVD's as easy as ABC at my own hometown:)

This was the very first time in my whole life, which I dedicated all my leisure time to read and explore the beautiful and exciting contents of the novel itself, which sets in Russia. Habiburrahman El Shihrazy does somehow or rather deserved the award that he won as the best novelist in his country, Indonesia. He was the same person whom created Ayat-ayat Cinta, one of Malaysia's Mega Best Seller among the bookworms. 

When you witnessed the bookcover, you can easily tell, the story sets in Russia. That's what genuinely made me attracted to it. I really want to know more about Russia, even though it's no worth for me to keep thinking about Russia. Many people like to said bad things about the country itself since yes, it has been one of the popular communist region in history. Even the author of Bumi Cinta described how bad Russia is in terms of its humanities, social life, religion and the way of life. It tells the story of a young Indonesian scholar who are profoundly doing his researches in History at MGU, a university in Russia. How he has to accept to live in an apartment together with two non muhrim Russian women because of certain reasons like safety and mobility easiness. Most of the communities who live in Russia, typically the non muslims are described to be anthers. They don't believe in God and they live freely as what freedom sets them to be. Women and men can live together freely, many men are gays, mafia are everywhere, food are expensive, Russian are abusive and rough, don't speak Ruskee if you're not Russian, they do not like Asians and etc etc, making people who read the book, would just easily labeled Russia as a dangerous place to go. Not that I wanna make people scared over this matter, but that is how the author itself wrote in the novel. I myself, in a sudden feel so lucky to be here in Malaysia.

Besides description of dark sides of Russia, the author is smart in blending the plots with a lot of useful hadith, advice and verses from Kalamullah Quranul Karim which can easily take readers into the paradise of Islam. The author uses Muhammad Ayyas as the carrier of all the messages he wants to share with his readers and yes, I can happily say that he succeeds! 

Towards the end of the whole story, the twist urges me more when one of the Russian women, named Linor is actually a Palestinian, an Islam, who had been adopted by Jews. For 4 hours after midnight, I burn the midnight oil to complete my reading, which also I found some important and useful facts that can be related to medicine. :)

For 4 consecutive days, 700 pages and more, I learn a lot from Bumi Cinta. I learn how hard it is to have surrounding full of hatred towards our own religion. How cruel the Jews are. How jahil the Russian are. How easy one's faith can tumbled because of those gorgeous Tsarina. How empty the souls of the Russian are and How to hinder from Syaitan Laknatullah. I also learn a lot about those beautiful places in Russia, like Red Square, till there's a saying that goes "Don't say you have been to Russia, if you haven't seen the Red Square". My miss for ruskee was healed when I did jump into many russian words like Drashvihdaniya and more.

I would like to recommend this wonderful and energetic novel to those friends who are going to voyage to Russia in few days time. I guarantee they will get a good grip to their faith with this book.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Aidilfitri Wishes

I was looking for something intriguing as an Aidilfitri 'card' to be embedded here in the blogsphere. Sad to say, none weren't that beautiful enough and non of them really attract my attention. Sorry again you guys. It's a dismay to say that this would be just another lame wish from me.

And among the laughter, please do not forget those who're gone. Eat wisely and have a safe journey. See you again for the next ramadan InsyaAllah:)

Wednesday, 8 September 2010

We Were BbF!

Life was meant to be cherished by having BBF! B E S T F R I E N D 4 E V E R

just like how Serena and Blair from Gossip Girl.

Albeit, half of my life flew away from my soul 

All the M E M O I R S I had with you,

keep me from tumbling down and help me to move on...

T H A N K S ,  G I R L, 4 B E E N T H E R E 4 M E <3

When you smile,
 I |S M I L E |W I T H |U

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

A maid without being paid

yes, to just filling up the time for today, I did some cleaning spree to my beloved room. Seriously, there are so many books since form 3. I just do not know how to dispose all of them. The books were all blanketed with dust and they smelled weird. Eww..

I tore all the drawings that my sister and I put up on our wall since they looked childish for us now. However, that lead to a ruin wall, so probably I need to paint the wall anew. Maybe purple this time even though I still like the current yellow theme.

I took the whole day to vacuum the room which eventually making me to not noticing how fast the time flew. It was tiring indeed, but the result was satisfying enough. No more sleeping with dirty old bed mats and dusty room. Yay!!

I will post the picture later la.

Monday, 6 September 2010

Consternation and Disappointment

I bet everyone here, especially those who did friend with me in Facebook, already know what had happened to me lately. A death occurred in a sudden, without I expecting, and yeah, who would ever expect a death? Tru Calling perhaps can, but we as in reality? Could we feel if someone important to us would die like in a minute or two? one can in exact. But, I still do want to have that feeling. The feel, or the capability to save someone we love from death. Okay...I might have gone too far on this matter, sorry. I am just still in CONSTERNATION, a complete anxiety due to a sudden bad surprise. 

This afternoon, I viewed all the photos of Chiam's last journey on Earth. I saw her photo in the casket, before her body was been burnt. It made me burst into tears again. Just couldn't help it. However, no matter gallons of tears I rushed out from the tear glands, no matter how hard for me to accept her demise, it still happened. It is all history now. The moments I had with her are histories and the time we chatted, played and joking around, ended up to a permanent full stop. Life has to go on. My journey is still a long way to go InsyaAllah, but of course, Chiam always in my mind, the best friend I had. 

Thank you for all my friends who keep telling me to be strong.They, who are willing to "understand' and "support" me when I was almost tumble. I am a weak-hearted person. I ain't a strong person, as you can see from outside. I cried easily over the smallest matter and I could be crazy crying over matters as heavy as my best friend's demise.Thanks for making me strong, and thanks again for concerning over my condition, especially to their teachers from the school. They knew exactly how Chiam and I were close, were friends and companions. They knew how terrible I feel, and thanks for making me stand up again. :)

Now, I need to run over all the things that I need to complete. Studying and revising for the semester's final examination is the first thing I need to work out for. But, before that, I need to just be alive for this year soon-to-end Ramadan and upcoming Aidilfitri. It will another fun event, even though my niece Khayra won't be around in Klang. Tomorrow, I hope the plan to break fasting at Seremban with dear Presco mates will turn out alright. I miss them so much, and it will be fine, I pray. 

Oh. Seriously, asthma is freaking me out! I really hope my brother could heal by tomorrow. He was asthmatic, and I hope it doesn't return. I am just so worried about him since he looked tired and so weak during our meal just now. I hate to see my eccentric brother weak. I need him to be strong and manly as well as chicky like he always do. 

Alas, I hope days will turn out well. I hope I can forget the past easily and make them as memoirs as in chapters of my life. Life is never meant to be perfect, but it was meant to be beautifully imperfect. I learn one thing: Do Appreciate People around you. Once one of them is gone, you will finally realise, how regret you are for not appreciating him or her. Love is all the world need to keep on unite. Good night. Assalamualaikum.

Friday, 3 September 2010

She left without a note

In the midst of planning so many things to do after I completed Semester 1 by the end of September, and in the midst of struggling for Test 2 which will end tomorrow as well as while down counting the days to go home for Raya.....I received one more allegation from Allah Al Mighty God. It was the saddest incident ever happened in my life, the lost of my good friend Chiam Win Nee. Gosh, even typing down her name made me wanna burst into tears. Two words that I could utter....."DON'T GO"...

By the time Independence Day was celebrated, my best friend in this whole world, Chiam Win Nee had been called by God. She died on the midday of the 31st August 2010 due to asthma attack. I however didn't know she's gone until that night when Huda contacted me, while I was busily revising for the next day's chemistry test. It was the most horrible Independence Day ever...

I was happy to receive the call, it has been such a long time since I talk to her. I smiled, and didn't expect that it was a call informing me about the death of my best friend. 

 "Dayana....awak tahu tak Chiam dah meninggal?...said Huda. Her voice was low, trying to calming down.

"Ya Allah....apa!!?" I just couldn't believe what I've heard...

"Janganlah nangis...."coaxed Huda...

And on the spot, I burst into tears. Litres of tears running down my cheek. I couldn't hide my feeling. It was like having a stabbing knife right down on the chest. It hurts so much, and it still hurt. It was like only yesterday that she was actively online via the Internet, posting how awesome the firework at Genting Highlands was. Knowing that hours later after that post, she was been called to go for eternal, was hard to be accepted. Very hard. I cried and cried outside my apartment at Puncak Alam, just wishing to come home, and be by her side. If only I could reach to Kajang that very night, and be by her side.....and how I wish I were there when she was sick, just be with her for the last time....I wished for many things, but Allah has it all written. HE loves her more, and it is her fate to go at such a young age. As for that, I have to be patient, and just move on....

Chiam Win Nee...was the friend that everyone could have wish for. We did so many things together for the 5 years at high school. She was like my guardian at most of the times. SMK Kajang Utama witnessed a lot of events that Chiam and I did together. We were classmates from form 1 till form 5. She was smart, very funny, hardworking, helpful, and she is always patient. I still remember the days when we played badminton together every weekends. She would waited for me at the bus stop, and I was always late, but she didn't even got angry with that. I still remember the days when we were always in a team when it comes to representing the school for intraschool competitions. Sometimes we won and we lost, but the joy came from the moment when we shared a lot of things together. We struggled together for every test and we were capable of getting the top spot at school. 

There are just so many memoirs of her that I have. How we struggle to make PBSM's marching team looks good last year couldn't be vanished. We always fight to do the best for the last year of high school last year. We always sat next to each other, she sat with me in all classes. We did presentations together, we sometimes walk to school together and went home together. I missed all those moments so much. I just can't imagine that the time we went to school for our hari kecemerlangan was the last time I had with her at that school. It was the last time I managed to see her throughout.Every time I viewed the pictures that I have with her, she appeared inside my mind. Last night while doing maths for the test, suddenly I reminisced how good she was at mathematics and so again I cried. She was the best in sudoku and every thing that got to do with numbers, which actually make our bond stronger. Now, SHE HAD GONE FOR EVER. T.T

During graduation last year: In memories, Chiam Win Nee. May your soul rest in peace darling. Go with grace,I will always love you.
I regret for not using the time I had wisely to spend with my best friend, at least for a stroll, at least for another badminton game at the quarters down the neighborhood. I also regret for not taking those opportunities in the past, to chat with her, to play online game with her like we always did or even to just be with her. Only if I know what have been stated, only if I know my best friend would die, I would just leave everything and attend her amendments. I now terribly miss her smiles, her jokes, all her passion for badminton and just everything about her. She was precious, and her lost was a such an enormous mourn for all of us who knew her. If she could see me, I want her to know that I miss her, and wanting her to come back. I want her to know that I am grateful to God for having her during high school years. She craved a lot of good memories for me, and I would like to thank her greatly for that. And as for this, bye Chiam my dear. You are always a good friend, I would always be by your side wherever you are. I will always remember you till the day the time for me to go like you comes.

>>>semalaman kukenangkan dirimu, mengalir air mataku membasahi pipi....tidakku duga ini semua terjadi....perpisahan antara kita<<<<