The Entity

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Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

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Monday, 20 September 2010

When all the spirit lost to nowhere

Yes, the whole foundation students in UiTM and I bet in other foundation center in Malaysia, would encounter the fearsome semester 1 Grand Finale starting either today or tomorrow. Mine will be tomorrow, starting at 2.15 p.m and ends at 5.15 p.m for Physics I. The words to describe my emotion right now are indescribable. At times I feel like YES I NEED TO DO THIS LIKE SUPER GOOD! but then, I become reckless and I become completely in a dream world. It's like having this devil in front of me that tell me to just overjoy the break, and just do not have to study. I do not know why until now. There's no answer. I am now thinking of the future. The future which I have two choices. The first one is the future where I see light. But, that will only happen if I make a full preparation. The second future, is full of tears, which I rather see it more likely to happen. Arghhh!!!

I do not want to work hard but seeing no GOOD RESULTS, sadly it always happen.  

this is all I can say to those like me.

Reminiscing to the past, I was rather strong and full of determination during SPM years. Those 2 years before SPM, was meaningful. I was the most hardworking student the school had and I devoted my whole life for it. I studied so hard because I want to reach that one dream. To enter a University. At that time, I do not know anything about scholarships and I did not have that wide view of the dream to pursue medicine. Teachers kept preaching how we must do hard to get the spot at universities, and thanks to God, I succeed, at least for now. I wanted UIA so badly, and yet I didn't get UIA and got UiTM, a place where I was dying telling everyone how I do not want it so badly. Now, all I have to do is keep on living in a place where I keep a lot of hatred feeling of uneasiness. T.T

I think no one can stop me from having the feeling of despicable towards the place, since that is what we suppose to do when we do not LIKE something, right? I tried to have fun, I tried to make friends, I tried to hide the bad feelings but sorry, just couldn't. My aunt asked how was it studying there, I answered, BEST GILAO! meanwhile deep inside, I can't feel joy because I don't quite SEE where I am heading to after all those hardcore examination. All I see is hardness, difficulties and dimness, behind all those fearsome moments of hard studying and terrible laboratories work. The brain just stop there.

Back in college, everyone did study hard. But, some didn't because it was private. I did work hard because the vision was clear. Every month the agent would come to see us, his clienteles, and tell us to work hard, to get confirmation from the universities we are about to attend. Everyone of us were close friends, since not many were of the same races. Malays were countable unlike here in UiTM, and we like a family. We were like a family of one TARGET of one DREAM, that is to go to medical school and become a doctor. As the vision was so clear at that time, we just focusing on getting a CGPA of 3.00 above despite the difficulties of mobility. I woke up early every morning to catch KTM as to reach to KL before 8.30 a.m and it was fun. I now miss KL like sooo much. T.T Perhaps, it was because of I was being too proud of my plan, that Allah took it away from me. I might had been forgetful how HE is the one who can only take what he had given to HIS servants. I was just boastful and forgetful, now living in the repercussion. 

maybe I could not FEEL and SEE this for now, maybe later, insyaALLAH

I admit how ENVIOUS I am, seeing Nicky, Zaki and those friends who will be flying soon. Nicky would aboard today and all the luck for him. I also admit that its so lame of me for thinking about the past, and its so stupid of me to post this, but its the reality: so hard to accept the fact when one of our dream seems faded, because at one time, it was so clear. I lost the spirit, the friends I had, and it stopped there. When mom called me just now, telling me to study hard, there's nothing I could tell, but opening the mouth, and said, "Yes". I just do not want to let her down, let my dad down, but they always let me down. Is this the sacrifices I need to work out for my future? Perhaps, it is. 

>>I am praying for the easiness for tomorrow and the afterward. <<

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