The Entity

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Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

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And remember, it always rain hard for those who deserve The Sun. :)

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Wrong move?


Racun is poison, and of course do I need to be more specific? Also, to deal with life, we have to deal with so many poisons. We have to be wise not to gulp or be addicted towards any of the 'poisons' in life. So what are they?

I am not merely talking on poisons that contain chemicals. Rather I am talking about poisons that can put adverse effect on your life in a long run.

#1 Laziness
Yes people! Who doesn't  happened to have drinking this poison. The ultimate hazardous situation is when you know and fully aware you have this upcoming examination to sit for, yet laziness restrict you from doing the exact things you should have been doing. Most of my colleagues are now putting their free time doing past years questions and some of them, attending study groups. I on the other hand, still the slow poke on this slow pace. How am I going to alleviate this mess by becoming lazy? So people, if you are lazy, think of your future. I always dream to be the next Dr Halina (Dr SMS's wife) who is so charismatic and so diligent. I also wanna have a family like her. So, will I achieve that passion if I continue being lazy? The answer is always a NO. Now, better start moving and start doing something.

#2 Sleepiness
Sleepiness might be due to certain sleep disorders. Perhaps, one of it is hypersomnia. While many friends of mine succumb to insomnia, I have hypersomnia instead. Feel very dizzy and sleepy during 8.00 to 10.00 am. Then, I have to run for a cup of hot coffee in the canteen. For Rs 15 a cup might sounded cheap. But if I continue this routine, I'll end up broke and have to forget everything on the plan for Italy. You know when you are now in a danger zone of your first year MD, where you know, being alert in class is a must since anything could be asked in your exam; thus you shouldn't be sleepy, so you know what I mean? You can't just be sleepy. But sleepiness is involuntary. You can't change unless you have something to boost the decrements of melatonin.

#3 Uneasy feelings
Uneasy feelings are the feelings of death. Feels like everything is not right and going to be wrong. Nonsense it might seem, but these are poisons which at 20, I still have trouble to deal with. Not to mention, some personal problem I am dwelling with. With unanswered situation with some person I want answers from. Do you know, if you sincerely like someone, and then confess, then do not get the answer, you will be questioning all the way: at any time. Till one fine day, I answered it myself: fine lets do serious stuff with the studies first. We think about feelings later.

#4 Sarees
I like many other here do not want our money-income or allowance to be just that of what MARA is currently giving. Instead, we want to invest it to things we thought could bring us some profit. That's why, we then become engulf with sarees. We actually knew this one merchant who sell sarees at good prices and good qualities. Also, Malaysian people love sarees, but after rumors that most of the girls who sent their sarees for business via shipping: and got stuck within India itself, plus: with India high tax when it comes to shipping things abroad: almost make the idea come to a halt. Sad! The worst part is that, I already promise one aunt back home to post these sarees. Hermm

#5 Grey's Anatomy
The reason for me to watch it beginning with it's old lame first season is due to the fact that I was underaged when I wanna watch it at 12 with my dad. Kesian kan? You know Grey's Anatomy was all about fake doctors with their complicated life; contain scenes that you should not watch. But as for me, now that I waited 8 years to watch it with a legal feeling; it is still fun I tell ya. Of course, there's no Mc Dreamy in real life. And there is no doctor especially intern like Meredith Grey who seems to be very calm in what she's doing. Ok, that's not the only reason why I watch it. Second is, because I want to get re-motivated. Sadly, I ended up, being too dreamy.

#6 Plume for Android
Gahh...this is now number 1 addiction. What is it? It's an app for twitter for android users. I must check to see the twitter almost every 10 minutes of my daily life. So, this is bad, because I am not even an important figure who should tweet so many times a day, and now my tweets reaching almost 12000. Hahaha. This is so funny yet humiliating to myself. Plume for android, let me know daily news about the world, but this is again an addiction I have to stop, since I must focus on studies.

#7 Sidred
Sidred stands for Sidang Redaksi, by the way. Becoming a member in the editorial board is like a dream come true. I actually dream of becoming the designing team. Without any talent to design, so I move on towards becoming the sponsor team. While most of the friends, are busy preparing for their pro exam, my friends and I who were in the team, now run here and there around Belgaum, searching for sponsors for our magazine. It is a fun job whereby it teaches you on how to communicate and sweet talk better. Hahaha. But also a bit of wasting time and energy.

These 7 things are my main poisons. I have to learn and find more effective methods to let myself away from these things for a moment, just for this bloody one month and a half. Because pro exam is the most important thing I have to deal with. The end...

Sunday, 20 May 2012


The truth sometimes hurt. Like a couple of days before, when the result of selanjar 3 was announced. I was not in the mood, so I purposely came in late for the PPIP meeting. I was literally 30 minutes late, so the others have got their results. And then I saw my result slip freely opened on the table for people to see. I was like, OH HOW'S NICE. NOW EVERYONE KNOWS THE RESULT. 

It's not that I am the kind of person who would be so secretive about examinations results. But hey, considerate please dear mentor! I mean, the first entity to be seeing the result is of course the person who owns it at the first place, not the others. I am really furious. Even more when knowing I haven't really improve. There's a slight improvement in my MCQ, but I knew I could do better.

The problem is now, I do not know how to at least score a grade B for MCQ. I mean, MCQ did dragged my whole result to the drain. This is certainly bad. When mentor asked the others, only Azlan and I do not have a study group. We are mere lone ranger, who studies on our own. But he is unlike me because he got an A+ for overall marks; which I am literally envy of. 

I just hate how the mentor would give his suggestions prior to let us do because he thought we can practice those suggestions in our studies. For these Indian genius doctors, who lack social skills;  well they study almost all the time, including my mentor. Sometimes, I viewed him as a freak. Total freak, no matter how good he is as a physiologist.

Purchasing an MCQ book seems like a good idea pertaining that you really have the urge to do the questions. But literally, I am done with buying books for the year, and will stick to the books I have. Seriously, like I need something that I can do to improve these multiple true and false questions, but I don't agree with my mentor suggestions since I find that I am not suited for the things he asked me to do. Excuses again. And how am I gonna excel with this ego?

Walking with dear fariyal yesterday, speaking about MCQ, I then realised perhaps due to my low-self esteem or low confident level towards my performance that I received such a result. It's vital to believe in Allah because the door of Rahmah is certainly within HIS hands. We are just mere planner, meanwhile HE destined the plans to be a success or a failure. Constantly telling this to my dearself, but just too fragile to hold on to it

And still, I am enduring this tension to get Aces although I have been preached all the time, that Aces do not  matters.What matters are our effort in becoming closer to Allah through our studies. Gosh, the worldly happiness is invading my mind like crazy.  Astaghfirullahalazim. Please keep me from Wahan Ya Rabb.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Jeng3x hmm


But deep inside I am not happy.

Not with the recent Selanjar 3 results which is just average.

Rather with myself, who is so coward.


Thursday, 10 May 2012

A surgeon and thankful

It was thanksgiving. George was still on bed that morning, just too lazy to wake up. It's a day off so he thought of just to roll on the bed for some time. His housemate Izzy, was downstairs in the kitchen; preparing the ingredients to cook for thanksgiving dinner. Mary, the house owner, didn't want to help Izzy because he hated thanksgiving. Izzy was frustrated when no one in the house bother to help her out. Suddenly, there were three men outside the door. Mary went to open the door, and she was surprised when the three men she barely knew, wished her so loud on the face with HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! Then off they went climbing the stairs. Mary quickly made her exit before Izzy caught her to cramp in the kitchen.

The three men were George's family. They grabbed George who was still in his pyjamas and dragged him down. Izzy asked where they were going and George weakly answered,"Going to kill some birds Izzy, help me!". Izzy was astonished and furious. Now everyone is away; how is she going to cook all the dishes alone.

George was brought to a somekind of a forest. He was forced to hold a gun on his hand, meanwhile his brothers were fighting over a game called pick a car. They mentally tortured George to tag in the game, but it was just not his type of a play. He just hated playing that childish game. George hated to go to the woods with his brother and father because he hated killing birds; turkey in exact. Every year, during thanksgiving, his family has this tradition of getting their own turkey for dinner. Getting it on their own means one of them has to kill the bird. Who ever who successfully snapped a bird will be nominated as THE MAN for thanksgiving. As for George he never did kill a bird before. What not a turkey. His brothers pissing him like crazy telling him that he's sissy, can't even shoot a bird. 

While they were sitting quietly waiting for their prey, George was still annoyed by his childish older brothers who keep calling him a sissy. His dad came to the rescue and suggested that George should tell his brothers about his work at the hospital. Tell his brother about the reality of becoming a surgeon. Well, his father didn't know that George was still an intern. So all he basically do usually, was to help the real surgeon doctors to do open surgery. He was again being laughed at when his brothers kept mugging that George is not the hero since he just assist the doctor and not doing surgery on his own. For George to explain the real situation to his brothers was impossible. There's no way his brothers who stop insulting him and calling him names.

Suddenly, came a turkey from nowhere. One of his brother was the first to cue the gun towards the bird but George insisted that this time he wanted to be the man. And out of rage, George shot the bird. His dad was so happy that finally he broke the tradition. 

Soon, they packed to go home. While George was closing the door of the back truck, one of his brothers mistakenly shot their dad on the buttocks. George was furious and angry because of his brother's childish act. 

Soon at the hospital, George was intended to attend his dad with the wound. His dad was proud and said it wasn't painful. His brothers were still there playing with the lights and all. They still have that intention to play pick a car. George wasn't listening and didn't want to pick any car. But he has his limits when he was being pushed so hard. Soon he dashed off the room and smacked the door. Before that, he told his brothers, not to treat him like he's stupid.

After some time, George came back to the room. His father was still there, with no one accompanying him. His brothers were off for dinner at the cafetaria. Then George quickly attended his father's wound. The bullet was still plug inside the flesh. Trying to get it out. Meanwhile, he told his father the story of last night, where he successfully did one chest surgery to a patient who was stuck in a elevator. His father was surprised. And proud. Then George said, frankly he didn't like being treated bad by his brothers. He hated to be an idiot all the time. But then his father broke into his words.

"Stop George. Stop saying we are treating you like an idiot. In fact, you are treating us like idiots. You know George, your brothers are not educated. Jim is just a cleaner. Meanwhile Ron, he barely has a job. And, you know what I am? I am just a truck driver, boy"

"But you are much more different, George. You are a doctor. You are clever than any of us here. And you know how it makes me feel like? It makes me feel like I am doing something good at raising you"

"When we dragged you to join this kind of thing, we know you didn't like it. But we don't have any other choice. This is what we do every year, and we want to make you a part of us, yet you hesitated. You are too much different. Think George. We love you, but we cannot talk things you want to talk about. This is us, and accept who we are. Because we are family, George. I am happy you are good at what you are doing, but don't make it a barrier between yourself and your family"

George burst into tears. He has done so many wrongs towards his father and his brothers. It's thanksgiving and he was supposed to be grateful that he still have a family. Yes, becoming a surgeon is his long time dream, but he has made a barrier because he was different from the family.

What we can learn from the story is that, be grateful of what you have. Be grateful that you have a family who always supported you. And be nice to them even though they are the opposite. And when people are treating us bad, look back to ourselves and ask ourselves perhaps, we are the one who has the problems. The real problems towards hatred. Mingle with people with all kinds. And accept people of what they are.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Papa, I love you :")

"I have been living in England for 6 years. I received only 240 pounds back then, while the currency rate was only 4.5. You can calculate how little was my allowance compared to yours now. In studying medicine, to become a doctor, dayana, what you need is sacrifice. Sacrifice your leisure time, sacrifice your rest. To master at your studies, you need to spend more time on books, to read the topic as many times as you can. Then you have to close the books and try to explain to yourself about the topics read. If you can explain it smoothly, you're on the right track"

An advice from dear papa azhar on the reality of life, of trying to do well in studies; and yes, I do need to sacrifice myself.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Smarter effort is needed

Assalamualaikum peeps:)

We should be grateful to have more chances to live out for, because we never know maybe tomorrow, death will separate us. And a friend, a good friend used to say, expect the unexpected in life. So, I hold on to that word of his.

What to brag actually? I feel numbness to write. I don't quite have things to share with my readers. Perhaps, mentioning about Bersih 3.0 has become too mainstream and my share about the very event won't be as important as others who really have good ideas about it.

I have been busy with examination. Yes, the Selanjar 3 what we call it here in Universiti Sains Malaysia. We had an additional paper called OSPE rather than SSA. So, a lot of you out there might be asking what the heck are these two? Well OSPE stands for Objective Structural Practical Examination while SSA is slide spot assessment. So, basically, what I noticed, there was not very much different to compare both papers. I mean, only in OSPE, it's more active compared to SSA. In OSPE, we have to move around to stations of questions. Some stations are active means we have to do easy breezy chemical tests while others involves some procedures in the First Aid as well as some littlest things as microscopical structure to been under the microscope of course.

I can say that being in Selanjar 3 preparation wasn't as tough as Selanjar 2's. Maybe because the topics were easier. **COUGH3X** I am certainly not the person who can say these were easy since I cracked my brain all out to get things intact. Sigh. I must say, even though I changed the strategy a bit by making short notes, and arranged them neatly; things weren't as smoother as I thought it would be. My desk is still untidy and so full of books. I just did not know where to start and where to begin.

If only you could see my desk right now, it's worse than any phD students out there. Walaweyh, seriously exaggerating too much. Hmm, so Yeah, OSPE, wasn't easy. I mean, it was easy but many can't be remembered. I don't have photographic memory to remember all the histo slides. It is a despair when you already attend a revision class, saw every piece of slides and discuss with the amazing lecturers, still you can't get one right. Is it because I condemned those who didn't attend the class that Allah let me hold to this repercussion. Repercussion for being too proud. Perhaps so.

Even the questions which came out, were the things we continuously repeat, however, still  the same mistakes were attempted. Sometimes, when the results are out, and the students at USMKK received better, I asked myself, what did I do with all the goodness I live here? Do I really utilize them all; the lecturers, the amazing revision classes and all? Where do I threw all my knowledge to? 

I know Allah looks upon our effort. Results were there in His hands ages ago, even before we were destined to come here. Yet, there's deep inside the feeling of remorse towards our own selves for not being to show the results of attending such a wonderful medical college overseas.

I wish I could get rid of this insecure feeling. I hate being surrounded by guilt and by the feeling of disappointment, and who doesn't? I really have to seek more for Allah's attention. I am still really bad in getting myself through 'failure' even though this looked minor.

So long friends. Let me first dealt with my emotions and try to stabilize it. Thanks:)

>>p/s: I hope we cherish the moment, while you're here, F.InshaAllah:) <<