The Entity

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Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

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And remember, it always rain hard for those who deserve The Sun. :)

Friday, 26 February 2016

Misused Du'a

Doa isn't a wish they told us. In Islam, we have been upbringing to the fact that doa can solve almost anything. From the littlest problem to an avalanche. It is a weapon if we can use it right. But what if we misused it?

I don't know if anyone had ever misused his doa, because every doa I believed is sacred. However, everything that we say, it can turn into a doa. That is why people keep telling, say only good things, positive matters because in the end, those can turn into a bless-ful doa. 

Many months back, before returning to India for my final year, I had my most incredible time, every night to sleep beside mom. I cherished it every second. My dad would checked on me upstairs, and would wanted me to accompany mom. Dad was a busy man, he worked during the daylight, came back when it was Maghrib, and after Isyak, he would leave the house for a badminton or futsal match. Dad loved to join the community and had so many friends. I love that thing about him, always so active in his age and he always seemed happy doing them even though I knew he must be exhausted. 

One day, mom was a bit cranky. Injected her dose of fasting insulin for the night, and cuddled her like I did almost every night. I slept early to accompany her. She always wanted a cuddle. I realized as mothers get older, they feel like they are going to be alone and their children would always go farther, that cuddle must be very special for her. 

Of course mom is known to be strong, well witted, amazing working lady. Since she recovered from stroke, she had this itchiness and muscle pain around her upper limbs. Even though, she still has not recovered fully, she returned to work. Every night, I had to scratch her back and cuddle her to make fall asleep. I wouldn't mind as that would my mom would do years back when I was also a cranky child myself. 

I was tired that night, and something got into me that I felt an urge of saying something to mom so badly. It was a long deep thought that I must say it to her. She blamed me for not cuddling her enough and she couldn't fall asleep. I turned to her and whispered and talked slowly to her while scratching her back. 

"Mom", I started.

"You must be strong"

"I am just afraid..that one day...."

And then she stopped me, and asked, "What if one day what?"

I continued

"What if one day, papa is no longer with us...we never knew.."

"I will be far from must be strong, Mom"

She was a bit hesitated when hearing that part came from me. She said, "NO! Papa must be with me. He loved me, and he is all healthy. He would look after me"

That night, the feeling was intense. I didn't know and noticed whether or not she cried or hurt when I said that. She then stopped asking me to cuddle, and fell asleep.

My only intention was to trigger my mom to be stronger. And not only after 1 month later, I got a call from my brother at 2am in the morning, I was awaken from my deep sleep after a lengthy medical bedside teaching, the scariest call I ever received, and the most heart-breaking.

"Dena, papa....he's gone"

The lovable, healthy papa, the jovial and the most witty but amazing dad, is no longer here with us. Now, it has been like 4 months since he left us, I still thought that I was the one who made that du'a. Misused my weapon to such a big loss. I shouldn't have said that to mom, I regretted it badly. Somehow, here and there, I still wish there would be a morning joke from dad or anything fun coming from him from afar. Yes, he is in the heart of course. But that du'a....I have misused it. Never say something so bad ever. As it can turned into a du'a. 

Friday, 4 September 2015


Ahad kita balik India doh...

Final year is finally coming. I have mixed feelings now. Especially now where I feel like a loser.

Things changed in 5 years.

People I love at home once strong, now weak.

People I thought I can love once cared now went away.

Friends died literally and those who died in my memory

Youth spirit was blazing with fire, now have dimmed.

Books once made me feel alive, now seems don't matter.

I change, surrounding changes.

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Things I learnt in medical school: To be humane

There's a thing in medical school which makes it unique: it makes you humane.

Already finished my 4th year alhamdulillah and it was certainly not an easy peasy job. To be thoroughly engulfed in every posting was difficult since my attention span dies off so quickly. Most of my friends in my posting are super duper genius. They remember the names of the drugs, they know the classification, the mode of action of those drugs, they knew which nerves passes through which foramen, they knew which type of epithelium lining these particular organs, they knew these despicable hard to pronounced sometimes syndromes....and there was I, feeling blunt...feeling stupid at most of the time. 

If to say among all the students in my batch, I would say I am at the lowest spot. I am barely breathing to secure a spot. I am not a genius. I can't study that hard due to my attention span, due to my constant pain on my shoulder and due to my hardcore fanatic self for Malaysian dramas. My triumph this year, or would I say my skinny triumph was definitely there because mom keeps praying for me day and night. And not to mention, from all those helps from my many to be named. I feel little. 

In Medical school, however, your brain plays only it's minor role to make you pass and secure you a place. Medical school grades you as a human, as a whole, holistically. Why do I say so? One thing everyone going to medical school must know is that, beyond all odds, medical school wants you to be a 'safe human to safe other human beings'. You cannot just being a smarty brainiac kiddo to survive, but you gotta have skills and logic. 

I still remember, our deputy dean, Prof KJ once spoken; we actually observed everyone of you. We observed how you were doing during this whole forth year. We observed your attitude, your attendance to classes, clinics and operation theatres, we see how you behaved with your lecturers, how you greeted them, how you were being active and how you were not. Hence. one who studies medicine must be a human not a robot. 

If other courses in these world, grade you based on your exams score, based on your assignments and based on your models (architecture, interior design), in medical school; they see how are you or how are you 'safe' enough to be letting go as doctors. You can't be selfish in medical school. You have to interact. Because after all, interaction is one of the core importance of one to be a doctor. You have to interact with patients, as without them you wouldn't be able to practice your knowledge and skills. Furthermore, you have to interact with nurses, with other doctors and many more people in the field. You can't work alone. That is why as in clinical years, which for us in USMKLE, started in 4th year, these are all being observed clearly.

Another is attendance...which many flopped. I am also not a perfect person...sometimes I do feel like playing truant. Sometimes, I did play truant. Pretending to be sick because just so lazy to attend classes which I think as wasting times, but please be mindful. Not to say, but most people take the chances to study medicine lightly. Endorsed by this handful amount of allowances per month, some just went astray. Being too comfortable, some just can be selfish. Attendance is not a play thing if one to know. How are we going to be doctors, who have to save lives if we can't even attend a basic class? Being frequently absent subjected one to be pictured as lazy, incompetent, not committed and if you think these are the qualities they would choose you as a doctor..then you are so wrong. One thing I found, some people are being absent in the name of da'wah...which sometimes they do it since it's not a very important class, so they have to attend for a sharing session and everything...but do they have this slight thought that they are giving a slight tarnish to Islam good names? Sometimes I ponder.

Also, punctuality....which most Malays are slacking off. I must admit, I would sometimes be quite late to many of the things I have to attend to...but then I learnt....punctuality is also one of the basic standard of quality people must have; especially for us future doctors. Being late is permissible but not always. It is sometimes nerve wrecking when classes are said to start at 10 am but one comes 30 minutes later. What is more shameful, is we Malays are the one who are always late...which we are indirectly giving bad impressions to the non-Muslims. I once was a leader for a particular posting, I usually came late, but during that time, I made sure I came 30 minutes earlier to class. It was always myself, then a girlfriend and a christian Sabahan friend who came time passed and it was just 5 minutes before class should started, only that Sabahan guy friend was available. In my mind, where are all the boys? I mean come on, Even a non-muslim portrayed a good quality of being punctual? If you can be punctual for solat, then why not for other matters? I keep on pondering.

Communicating..means not only through speaking and conversation but it is beyond all these. Smiling, and one important thing is communicating by all means through your body language could make your life easier through medical school, especially clinical years. As you see, Kannada and Hindi are not so simple to be thoroughly learnt and be fluent in. Even taking history of patients, my kannada and Hindi mixed together into a cookie batter. But your body language can play a vital role while conversing. You can act out a particular thing you wanna ask the patient; example if you wanna ask about falling down the can first draw a basic orang lidi staircase and act out falling....I mean it's simple...I always do that when I am out of local language vocab, sometimes I made the nurses and the patients laughed terribly. But being silly and funny is not a crime at all. I do think our students mostly wanna act cool and super decent. It's fine but sometimes you have to be creative to get your job done....and with all these silliness, the rapport between us the students and the patients is more tightly bonded.

Prof KJ, said it that it is not the cleverness that made one to pass this clinical years, or the whole medical school, but the act of being a safe human being......who can interact with others despite culture, race and socioeconomic background, who can be committed in classes and enjoying teachings, who can be punctual and respecting the teachers...and who can be good in communicating. Human touch is an is a quality of wisdom which not everyone could master. Therefore, we must make it a practice to be a human being, only with that, inshaAllah we can be a safe, good doctors.

Reality USMKLE V

1) Scholarship? Loan?

- Most students have been living comfortably under the MARA loan...we have to pay back 20% of it. If you are going without any support except for your family, you can score well during any of the major exam, and apply for MARA with that particular result. But of course not only passing, but to score. 
- Only a friend had JPA since she is a transfer from Egypt. Some are under Yayasan Pahang, and many other foundation....some are under bank scholarship.

2) Essay MARA
- Sadly but surely, I cannot lend you my copy since it has been years back and I have changed my laptop so can't sorry...(I wish there was a back up in google drive though)

3) Tips on answering interview
- Always and always be ready. Study something about USM. Especially the Apex part...since it is the utmost important topic usually being discussed during interview. Be yourself, and be confident. Don't stutter too a lot and wear decent clothes. Always be realistic when they are asking for your goals and know in detail on how a physician work and team work in the field of medicine. 

4) Apps to download which come in handy
- XE: for currency checking
- Ola Cab: For convenient transportation
- Whatsapp : Trust me this helps a lot!

have a blast studying!

Reality USMKLE Part IV.

Salam Ramadan to all....yes, back to blogging since I have pretty so much of ample time. Alhamdulillah, I am now back home and completed my forth year USM MD handsomely. It was a challenging journey through out but with so many helpful hands from friends and lecturers, we finally made it. 

Those who failed certain postings, must do remedial in which they have to stay in India. Some must do it in USMKK, while us who made it through must do 4 weeks clinical elective in government hospitals. Well, not much to do in this holiday, except for attending friends' weddings and a short gateaway ehehhehe which I have been saving up for. 

Many of the adik-adik who had been so curious regarding the medical course in USMKLE, well right here, right now, I will spill the beans for all of you. I will compile the questions many of you had been inquiring and answer them right here. 

First and foremost, there is a new sort of rule going on for upcoming batch to USMKLE. I have heard that USMKLE would not receive any more students from various matriculation college or foundation programmes. Instead, they built this one particular "PRE-USMKLE" foundation in Kolej Mara Kulim if I am not mistaken. So, if you are from anywhere besides Kolej Mara Kulim, I advice you to not fret and just move on, find another alternative. Probably you won't be accepted in USMKLE despite those forms and pledging (rayuan). Life is just too short to move on! 

About sports facilities, the main attraction I supposed for budding students; I would say they have improved except for the badminton hall. You can go play basketball, as we also have a multipurpose court at the ladies wings of the hostel, where you and your team can play there after writing a letter to the high committees of the sport of USMKLE and basically you can use the court on the decided time, Since, it is also a futsal court which mostly will be used by the boys every afternoon, so for girls....just be patient and opt other sports. You can also join me doing pilates and dance at the balcony 2nd floor. Or the gym perhaps. 

Other than that, we have swimming center, RS50 per entrance for non member, and RS2000 for attending a month swimming class. There's a unisex gymnasium just at the swimming centre, yearly fees cost you RS11000. We also have a big stadium for those runners who want to run on track. Some do play volleyball, table tennis, tennis and sorry there's no squash arena. Sorry those for those who asked. NO squash....sadly but yes. 

Oh yes. As the new syllabus, you guys attending first year...would have your first professional exam during your 2nd year. During third year, you will directly attending clinical years. KLE Yellur Hospital, which is a bit far will be the place for all of you to be trained into physicians and you have to take a bus to reach that place. The restaurant there is a bit lousy, but they are making it just see how it goes. 

As for lunch and dinner, breakfast as well I supposed, we have a canteen where we called MESS. They cook lovely nasi lemak every Friday, lovely briyani every saturday...and close on Sundays. Recently, we also have Pak Cik Basheer, who can speak fluent Malay and sell nasi lemak ayam goreng, ayam masak merah and rojak at low prices. Nearby, we have KFC, Subway and McD for those who wouldn't have to worry on getting fat. Did I tell you we also have a bakery just downside at the basement of the hostel? Yes darling...we do have. Also, a saloon for girls which have manicure, pedicure, spa treatments as well. And those who hate ironing or doing their own laundry, fret not kids! USMKLE also offered you with a dobby facility. 

To go elsewhere, to dine or to just chill and buy groceries, you can call auto drivers, Uncle Afzal or Uncle Mushtaq...I mostly opt for uncle Afzal since he will give you a much cheaper rate. As technology is getting very handy, you can download an app called "Ola Cab" and you can have a semi small car or even a sedan to pick you up and send you to the places you wanna go. Ola cab has been really useful and affordable to those who wanna go somewhere in a group of more than 4 where it will be inconvenient to take an auto rickshaw. 

Many have changes since we first came. Berkat students Malaysia la kot Belagavi bertambah maju berbanding dahulu. Whatever it is, going to such a small city, don't put so much hope and expect much. We are certainly been chosen to not just live, but to survive. Hope all my juniors will enjoy Belagavi and make Malaysia proud. That is all....please tell me so if you have any more things you wish to know....:)

Sunday, 15 March 2015


Last month, I arrived Kuala Lumpur for a week break. I really needed that break after 6 months of hurdle in clinical years. I kept whatsapp-ing mom telling how much I needed to come home. Dad usually didn't let me since it's just a 7 days off but this time I showed how I was really tired and he gave me the green light. 

I usually quite a kedekut person in spending money. While most friends who also planned for that 7 days break, bought  much cheaper flight tickets, I bought the most expensive. Suddenly, my egoistic and pride idea of not going to return to Malaysia during that 7 days break appeared to not exist. I just have this weird feeling of wanting to see mom and dad. Just wanna see their faces, how they are really doing, the house, my darling siblings. That's all it.

Probably the strongest reason that led to my return would be of that one message mom sent me 3 months before. She told me how suddenly she got some trouble with holding a pen. It became difficult for her to write and even to sign documents and papers. Her right hand felt to be so weak and it was progressive. As a soon-to-be doctor in the family, I guess mom chose to tell me first, but I preferred her to consult a real, certified doctor for that matter. 3 days later, she told me the doctor she sought just prescribed her for some vitamin B12 and calcium. And mom also told me she had attained menopause. 

I had always and will always be adoring my mother. Who wouldn't? She's pretty, fair, even at the age of 50 something, mom still looks gorgeous with her porcelain-flawless skin and a smile anyone can die for. I mean, I myself not as pretty. She's a smart, career woman and an approachable boss at her workplace. Mom is also my number one advisor; in almost anything. I even cried to her for the first time in the phone, when a boy whom I like said he just loved me as a friend and for that she said to me, nevermind, Allah has everything good for you in plan. :)

Until, that very day of 14th February, finally my flight boarded Kuala Lumpur. I tried to call my father but was rather in vain. I did received a text the night before saying he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had something else to do. My little brother would be available. I asked him what other thing is more important than picking up his daughter from India at the airport? But he didn't reply.

And so, I hung out at KLIA2 for 1-2 hours with my friends, Lily and Kak Harisah for breakfast, happily eating, knowing this one week break would be of tension free from hospital load, colleague loads and what not. An hour later, my telephone rang. It was my brother, who had arrived by the front gate to pick me up. 

As I walked passed the arrival gate, I saw my family car, with brother sitting at the front passenger sit, and someone else was driving. My brother was with his good friend Azizi, who drove us home. In a split second, I thought brother was excessively sleepy and that's why he let Azizi instead to drive. But brother looked rather untidy, he was in pyjamas (it was 7 am), and he even brought a pillow with him; in which he cuddled it tight. I then started asking where was papa? and what was mama doing at home? 

Brother kept his silence for sometime, and so I hurriedly asked the same thing again. Only when it almost reached Country Heights, that brother spilled:

"Dena...mama kena stroke...She's in the hospital"

And he cried...I saw from behind, his eyes were red, full of tears, and he couldn't hold back and continued to cuddle the pillow so even tight. Azizi was utterly quiet. He then patted brother on his shoulder trying to give comfort. 

I was in super shocked. Literally shocked. A week before my return, mom did text me saying she had booked a hotel in Port Dickson for a short family weekend trip, she was genuinely alright and come..that time?

I too then cried...then brother started crying even more, and said, the doctor in charged, told him that there's a bleeding, inside mom's brain and they couldn't do anything and couldn't even operate. The bleeding was located somehow in deeper brain structure. Brother continue explaining that he didn't want mama to fall sick, to be in the hospital. He even asked whether I could extend my short break for mom would only listen to my advice.

We stopped at Azizi's house to send him home. I thanked him for being such a help at our hardest time. At my brother's hardest time. Then, brother drove me home. I saw papa doing laundry, he was rather busy. As he saw me, I hold back whatever emotional turmoils I had inside. I hugged him tight and tried not to cry. But I saw him feeling relieved as I had returned, but his eyes seemed to be full of worries and tears. I told brother that I want to see mom immediately. At that moment, he drove me straight to Serdang Hospital. Mom was then accompanied by my sister.

Soon as I reached the hospital, I hurried myself to the 7th floor, with the feelings of mostly fright and shivers. Straight without much due, I reached level 7 and went to the code blue area, ward 7B. The nurse guided me to mom's bed. And there from a little far, I saw mom on bed and little sister besides her. Shishin, little sister, came hugging me with her eyes full of tears....and quickly said she wanted to do dhuha... and I went to see mom. I cried tremendously, when I kissed her hand. She remembers me! The first thing I was relieved to note at. And her mouth/lips were not deviated. Again relieved!

But I cried so hard. I hold her hand so so tight, could not let go. I let everyone around witness how sad I was...I didn't even matter. Mom talked to me, she was not talking in a slurred manner in which I was thankful for...but she was there, weak, her eyes widened, almost like exopthalmos and she was sweating profusely. In my head, I had this question is she also having hyperthyroidism? Mom asked me to sleep beside her, As I hugged her, I cried even more. She asked me am I crying because I am afraid that she may die? GOSHHHH MOM!

I spent the whole 7 days off from medschool taking care of her at the hospital. It was tough to really be was loved by all. Many came to visit but I really feel some visit too many times that mom felt annoyed, I too felt annoyed. The most difficult part was when I helped her to take a shower. Mom felt she can stand by her own feet but she almost stumbled. I hurriedly supported her, and she said to me, why is this happening to me? As a daughter, what else could I replied...for Allah test the one he loves most...

Doctors came without failed. The neurologist team as well as the rehab team. Mom needed an MRI to see what's wrong with the brainstem. The rehab team asked us whether we wanted to put mom directly to rehab. Just one fine day, doctor told us that the bleeding inside mom's brain had subsided. We couldn't thank Allah enough. She needed rehab to strengthen her muscles especially the right hand and the lower limbs. 

To bring mom home, the doctor asked so many things, like how was our home like. Living in a double-storey house was a bit uncomfortable to moms. Thus one day, when I was having hi tea with dad, he planned to bring mom to a hotel, and make it like a hospital-hotel care; so that mom will de-stress. That somehow did not work out as family from Kedah wanted to see mom and stayed with us. We brought mom home somehow. It was hard at first, since mom had to just stay in bed upstairs, and we mostly run our activities downstairs. A bit kelam kabut I may say especially when family from Kedah came to stay for a couple of days. But they were really of good help, alhamdulillah:)

As mom now, needed to be on prolonged supply of insulin, I extended my one week break for another week as to get my family members to get use to what have to be done. It was pretty stressful as I actually, being the eldest, there were so many duties I need to do and accomplish. House chores no mention, and family members came no stop! I was in the kitchen 24/7...but it was worth mom is my top priority. Just as days passed, my father and brother brought mom for morning a therapy at home. It worked amazingly as mom now can already walked but with supervision. Alhamdulillah:)

Brother who is now in his 4 months break had become another hero apart from dad. He was really really helpful. As if he's the bigger brother of mine. Mother could only sleep when he's he was too in the hospital accompanying mom and I. Since, I have returned to India, he is the in charge person for mom's daily medications and her daily medical vital signs record. Doctor said the first 6 months is vital because beyond that, if mom doesn't improve, the impairment would be somehow permanent. 

Mom is still on medical leave right now, taking weekly medical certificates, which I personally believed it's a nuisance thing for mom to go to the hospital/nearby clinics just for a proof that she's unable to work yet. Mom really need emotional support, as I know how much she's a little spoiled. *manja* I too believe the intention or the feeling of wanting to return to Malaysia was a sign from Allah to let me serve for my mother. I have been rather a rebellious child. I have hurt mom so much in the past. I admitted I seldom give her a call because whatsapp is now available, if she wanted to speak to me, she can send me voice note. I always on the run saying I am busy with medschool. I somehow left her not as priority. Boo me now people!

I have seen a lot of close friends having their mothers passed. Some didn't even make it through the funeral day..since Belgaum is so far, hence we would arrived so late before anything. But this time, Allah had let me took care of mom...and I would stop medschool now if I needed to, if she really needs me. 

One day, I hugged her while everybody had gone back from visiting...she told me to return to India...she said, takkan nak jaga mama je, dena kena study... :( And here I am back to reality. Can't wait to go back, Countdown to see mama again!

Also, jazakumullah khayr for everyone who have been with me through this thorns. I am loved. I felt loved, thank you :) Some I didn't have time to reply their I really was occupied. Now mom is alright alhamdulillah:) Jazakumullah khayr again for my mom's speedy recovery in your du'as...

>>p/s: Dah besar...we are all grown ups now, And as I returned, I saw how mom has wrinkled, dad too...has wrinkled. Mom used to ask me to plug out her grey hairs, but now she won't let me. She said, it's natural, so let them be, but insisted to plug them. I hate seeing mom being old. to see dad becoming old. aging is hurt to be seen. I am worried if I can't say goodbyes...I pray that I would 'go' first ...let I be their goodbyes, dear God<<

Monday, 24 November 2014

second last


it's already 11 past something PM here in Belagavi where I currently live, not sleepy but feel this urge to blog. It has been quite a while.

whether you vivid readers of mine realize it or not, this author is already in her forth year. but no YEYY yet, as this is just the 2nd last year of medical school. And trust me, as you approach the end of medical school, you feel the urge to just stick to become a student. Being a student, gives so many benefits and you do not have to be responsible to the patients you are seeing. Plus, you can make mistakes as many as possible because you are still holding that student title.

And so, that's why life as a student is a bliss. For me, as a medical student, one cannot deny by how far his or her life is living in blissfulness. We are generally been exposed to the wonders of Allah's wonderful creation; the human body every single day.

We learn the normalcy, we later learn the diseased state and try to look for measures in a way that to prevent the disease from worsening or maybe just to stop the symptoms or the features the disease is presenting with. Even the drugs prescribed to the patients are actually us, the future doctors' responsibility to get it right. We can get sued for messing with the diagnosis and the therapy we decided on the patients. That is how insecure and risky our job is.

So now that I have another 2 years to be in calm state of mind, not having to put myself at that risky shoe as a doctor in practice, I must enjoy this life to the fullest! At the same time, must work really really hard not to miss anything out. Because, you can easily missed out now that you in forth year especially here in my University. You see your friends already capable to withdraw blood, so you were like, "Why she can get the chance but not me?!" then you see your other friend who was capable to wake up as early as 7 am just to catch an insulin injection and you say, "OMG...! I should wake up earlier. Damn you alarm clock!". The cycle continues. This second last year in medical school, the school will let you be an adult. You have to decide whether to attend a seminar, a lecture, a clinical ward work (ward round) or clinical presentation. It's all up to you! Hard working is what now matters most!

I was first posted in medicine. Internal medicine that was, for approximately 6 weeks. The duration is quite short compared to usual medical schools which had it for at least 2 months. Still it was an amazing posting. I admit I have learnt so many things. And I also admit during this posting, I had basically improved in history taking and case presentation as well as the physical examination, alhamdulillah! Medicine is again covered the whole thing. It's like you are dealing with things under the sun. Or the pandora box some will say it. Like always, as the first group of posting, there was some problem in between. We didn't manage to complete our logbook like a professional. It was rather sad because you know when you have to do things just as what you can do to get it finish rather than doing something really good because you really wanna impressed the examiners; these two actions are different. We were supposedly to be assigned to different patient each and made a follow-up for each patient. But we didn't do it because it was a last minute call. Later, we just made it finish by whatever wits we have. I myself typed 10 case reports in a week! That's considered a new record! And kids, trust me! Case reports can make you die! Like literally! I am grateful I didn't phew! Only is do not procrastinate in medicine! There's certainly no time to lingering around because every minute now counts!

Now, basically I am in the forth week, finale week of psychiatric. Psychiatric has been the most sporting post so far. Our lecturers are cool and they can totally understand how we work. They didn't just push us to the extra limits which was good. The only main problem came to the time of presenting a case. The problem is once again the language. Dealing with mentally disorder patients are somewhat fun, exciting but then again will just make you disappointed in the end. The disappointment appeared when you tried so hard talking like a chicken speaking to duck, yet you came to nothing. In psychiatry, history is more likely to be his story. His or her kind of story you need to know. What problem he or she had, cannot be asked by simply a question of "What problem are you having?" They would just say mental problem. Or "pagal" which means crazy or lunatic in Hindi. That is certainly not enough to write in our case sheet. To go deeper in knowing what made them come to the hospital is by reaching a good rapport; which needs an art. But rapport alone will not be maintained because they (the patients) see you as an idiotic doctor who comes to bother them in language they cannot understand. I have encountered one patient, an old lady having obsessive-compulsive disorder. She was fine at first, after an hour speaking to her, both in my broken Hindi and English, she got irritated. She asked me for an advice on how to make her get rid off the obsessive thoughts she was having.

 Her problem was that she continued being worried that she's being contaminated with her own urine after having that nature calls. She wasted pails of water just to make sure her bathroom is clean after using it. It was so severe that her family members started to notice. She also had this weird feelings that a well (a perigi) inside her room was going to pull her inside. As in to let her drown. She thus cannot sleep in her own room and felt so scared when ever she walked passed the room. She also thinks her hands were dirty - contaminated with urine, so she did not want to cook. The whole family needed to eat at restaurants each day. It was an interesting case of severe OCD. But when my professor took her version of history, the story was different. Well, actually half of the story I got was correct only that perhaps the patient got irritated because she was wanting to tell me about her other problems which was she heard voices of her sister in law who's already dead, but I couldn't understand. I started to give her advice on keep on praying to God, which I know silly but it's the best I can tell her that time. I didn't realize it was a wrong advice until I read her file which wrote she had troubles in praying because she was feeling rather unhygienic for such holy rituals. Bummer!

And on last monday, I actually volunteered myself to have an examination earlier than scheduled. Dr Antonio was rather spontaneous when he said examination was going to held that afternoon rather on the next Tuesday. Because I already pumped with two cases in my head, I quickly raised my hand in order to volunteer; and so I did. To my surprise the fifth year also had their exams on that afternoon, and they wanted to present the SAME cases I wanted to present. It was such an annoyance. I went to the ward an hour earlier to clerk a new patient. Like always, it was Monday, thus there were only like 10 beds full of patients. The male nurse then told me to clerk a patient named Rajkumar because the first on my list was rather mute. Yeah! in Psychiatry you will come across a mental disorder whereby the sufferers will be mute and rather not talk to you!

Rajkumar was a bank accountant, knew a little English but thought he was rather superior than me. I thought he was going to be cooperative so it'd be easy to clerk him. I was totally wrong. Because he was manic he seemed to be smiling but rather deep down inside, he was actually quite irritable. To attain rapport was hard enough. I called a male nurse to help me with history taking. He then said it was hard to take from Rajkumar as he said I was giving him tension headache. I was probably the 10th student who came up to him to clerk him hence he was irritated. The only thing I got was his 5years history of bipolar disorder. Details of each I was not able to get and clarify, I was absolutely a dead meat by then. 

At 3 pm that afternoon, I was rather scared because I did not complete my history of presenting illness. I cannot get the true chronology of what was happening to Rajkumar in exact. Most of the details I simply 'goreng'. Despite the things that gone wrong, Allah had definitely gave me the strength to overcome that useless fright of having to present a case in front of the other members of the posting group. Can't thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah:) it's already the third posting. Neuromedicine starting tomorrow. Then obstetrics and gynaecology where the true stress and hectic will emerge ahahahhaha! Upon all, I am enjoying the starting of clinical years. My posting members are great, they are all tolerable and kind. I enjoyed having kak amalia, che mas, athira mazli, ryan, nadia, marlyana, een and everyone in the posting though. Hope we can survive till the end without conflicts. InshaAllah:)

>>p/s: posting this down because Nik Syakirah ahahaha. She asked how come I haven't blog anything in these past moments. Well yeah, things changed. But I think I'll restart blogging for now. I've always love to blog<<