The Entity

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Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

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And remember, it always rain hard for those who deserve The Sun. :)

Sunday, 15 March 2015


Last month, I arrived Kuala Lumpur for a week break. I really needed that break after 6 months of hurdle in clinical years. I kept whatsapp-ing mom telling how much I needed to come home. Dad usually didn't let me since it's just a 7 days off but this time I showed how I was really tired and he gave me the green light. 

I usually quite a kedekut person in spending money. While most friends who also planned for that 7 days break, bought  much cheaper flight tickets, I bought the most expensive. Suddenly, my egoistic and pride idea of not going to return to Malaysia during that 7 days break appeared to not exist. I just have this weird feeling of wanting to see mom and dad. Just wanna see their faces, how they are really doing, the house, my darling siblings. That's all it.

Probably the strongest reason that led to my return would be of that one message mom sent me 3 months before. She told me how suddenly she got some trouble with holding a pen. It became difficult for her to write and even to sign documents and papers. Her right hand felt to be so weak and it was progressive. As a soon-to-be doctor in the family, I guess mom chose to tell me first, but I preferred her to consult a real, certified doctor for that matter. 3 days later, she told me the doctor she sought just prescribed her for some vitamin B12 and calcium. And mom also told me she had attained menopause. 

I had always and will always be adoring my mother. Who wouldn't? She's pretty, fair, even at the age of 50 something, mom still looks gorgeous with her porcelain-flawless skin and a smile anyone can die for. I mean, I myself not as pretty. She's a smart, career woman and an approachable boss at her workplace. Mom is also my number one advisor; in almost anything. I even cried to her for the first time in the phone, when a boy whom I like said he just loved me as a friend and for that she said to me, nevermind, Allah has everything good for you in plan. :)

Until, that very day of 14th February, finally my flight boarded Kuala Lumpur. I tried to call my father but was rather in vain. I did received a text the night before saying he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had something else to do. My little brother would be available. I asked him what other thing is more important than picking up his daughter from India at the airport? But he didn't reply.

And so, I hung out at KLIA2 for 1-2 hours with my friends, Lily and Kak Harisah for breakfast, happily eating, knowing this one week break would be of tension free from hospital load, colleague loads and what not. An hour later, my telephone rang. It was my brother, who had arrived by the front gate to pick me up. 

As I walked passed the arrival gate, I saw my family car, with brother sitting at the front passenger sit, and someone else was driving. My brother was with his good friend Azizi, who drove us home. In a split second, I thought brother was excessively sleepy and that's why he let Azizi instead to drive. But brother looked rather untidy, he was in pyjamas (it was 7 am), and he even brought a pillow with him; in which he cuddled it tight. I then started asking where was papa? and what was mama doing at home? 

Brother kept his silence for sometime, and so I hurriedly asked the same thing again. Only when it almost reached Country Heights, that brother spilled:

"Dena...mama kena stroke...She's in the hospital"

And he cried...I saw from behind, his eyes were red, full of tears, and he couldn't hold back and continued to cuddle the pillow so even tight. Azizi was utterly quiet. He then patted brother on his shoulder trying to give comfort. 

I was in super shocked. Literally shocked. A week before my return, mom did text me saying she had booked a hotel in Port Dickson for a short family weekend trip, she was genuinely alright and come..that time?

I too then cried...then brother started crying even more, and said, the doctor in charged, told him that there's a bleeding, inside mom's brain and they couldn't do anything and couldn't even operate. The bleeding was located somehow in deeper brain structure. Brother continue explaining that he didn't want mama to fall sick, to be in the hospital. He even asked whether I could extend my short break for mom would only listen to my advice.

We stopped at Azizi's house to send him home. I thanked him for being such a help at our hardest time. At my brother's hardest time. Then, brother drove me home. I saw papa doing laundry, he was rather busy. As he saw me, I hold back whatever emotional turmoils I had inside. I hugged him tight and tried not to cry. But I saw him feeling relieved as I had returned, but his eyes seemed to be full of worries and tears. I told brother that I want to see mom immediately. At that moment, he drove me straight to Serdang Hospital. Mom was then accompanied by my sister.

Soon as I reached the hospital, I hurried myself to the 7th floor, with the feelings of mostly fright and shivers. Straight without much due, I reached level 7 and went to the code blue area, ward 7B. The nurse guided me to mom's bed. And there from a little far, I saw mom on bed and little sister besides her. Shishin, little sister, came hugging me with her eyes full of tears....and quickly said she wanted to do dhuha... and I went to see mom. I cried tremendously, when I kissed her hand. She remembers me! The first thing I was relieved to note at. And her mouth/lips were not deviated. Again relieved!

But I cried so hard. I hold her hand so so tight, could not let go. I let everyone around witness how sad I was...I didn't even matter. Mom talked to me, she was not talking in a slurred manner in which I was thankful for...but she was there, weak, her eyes widened, almost like exopthalmos and she was sweating profusely. In my head, I had this question is she also having hyperthyroidism? Mom asked me to sleep beside her, As I hugged her, I cried even more. She asked me am I crying because I am afraid that she may die? GOSHHHH MOM!

I spent the whole 7 days off from medschool taking care of her at the hospital. It was tough to really be was loved by all. Many came to visit but I really feel some visit too many times that mom felt annoyed, I too felt annoyed. The most difficult part was when I helped her to take a shower. Mom felt she can stand by her own feet but she almost stumbled. I hurriedly supported her, and she said to me, why is this happening to me? As a daughter, what else could I replied...for Allah test the one he loves most...

Doctors came without failed. The neurologist team as well as the rehab team. Mom needed an MRI to see what's wrong with the brainstem. The rehab team asked us whether we wanted to put mom directly to rehab. Just one fine day, doctor told us that the bleeding inside mom's brain had subsided. We couldn't thank Allah enough. She needed rehab to strengthen her muscles especially the right hand and the lower limbs. 

To bring mom home, the doctor asked so many things, like how was our home like. Living in a double-storey house was a bit uncomfortable to moms. Thus one day, when I was having hi tea with dad, he planned to bring mom to a hotel, and make it like a hospital-hotel care; so that mom will de-stress. That somehow did not work out as family from Kedah wanted to see mom and stayed with us. We brought mom home somehow. It was hard at first, since mom had to just stay in bed upstairs, and we mostly run our activities downstairs. A bit kelam kabut I may say especially when family from Kedah came to stay for a couple of days. But they were really of good help, alhamdulillah:)

As mom now, needed to be on prolonged supply of insulin, I extended my one week break for another week as to get my family members to get use to what have to be done. It was pretty stressful as I actually, being the eldest, there were so many duties I need to do and accomplish. House chores no mention, and family members came no stop! I was in the kitchen 24/7...but it was worth mom is my top priority. Just as days passed, my father and brother brought mom for morning a therapy at home. It worked amazingly as mom now can already walked but with supervision. Alhamdulillah:)

Brother who is now in his 4 months break had become another hero apart from dad. He was really really helpful. As if he's the bigger brother of mine. Mother could only sleep when he's he was too in the hospital accompanying mom and I. Since, I have returned to India, he is the in charge person for mom's daily medications and her daily medical vital signs record. Doctor said the first 6 months is vital because beyond that, if mom doesn't improve, the impairment would be somehow permanent. 

Mom is still on medical leave right now, taking weekly medical certificates, which I personally believed it's a nuisance thing for mom to go to the hospital/nearby clinics just for a proof that she's unable to work yet. Mom really need emotional support, as I know how much she's a little spoiled. *manja* I too believe the intention or the feeling of wanting to return to Malaysia was a sign from Allah to let me serve for my mother. I have been rather a rebellious child. I have hurt mom so much in the past. I admitted I seldom give her a call because whatsapp is now available, if she wanted to speak to me, she can send me voice note. I always on the run saying I am busy with medschool. I somehow left her not as priority. Boo me now people!

I have seen a lot of close friends having their mothers passed. Some didn't even make it through the funeral day..since Belgaum is so far, hence we would arrived so late before anything. But this time, Allah had let me took care of mom...and I would stop medschool now if I needed to, if she really needs me. 

One day, I hugged her while everybody had gone back from visiting...she told me to return to India...she said, takkan nak jaga mama je, dena kena study... :( And here I am back to reality. Can't wait to go back, Countdown to see mama again!

Also, jazakumullah khayr for everyone who have been with me through this thorns. I am loved. I felt loved, thank you :) Some I didn't have time to reply their I really was occupied. Now mom is alright alhamdulillah:) Jazakumullah khayr again for my mom's speedy recovery in your du'as...

>>p/s: Dah besar...we are all grown ups now, And as I returned, I saw how mom has wrinkled, dad too...has wrinkled. Mom used to ask me to plug out her grey hairs, but now she won't let me. She said, it's natural, so let them be, but insisted to plug them. I hate seeing mom being old. to see dad becoming old. aging is hurt to be seen. I am worried if I can't say goodbyes...I pray that I would 'go' first ...let I be their goodbyes, dear God<<

Monday, 24 November 2014

second last


it's already 11 past something PM here in Belagavi where I currently live, not sleepy but feel this urge to blog. It has been quite a while.

whether you vivid readers of mine realize it or not, this author is already in her forth year. but no YEYY yet, as this is just the 2nd last year of medical school. And trust me, as you approach the end of medical school, you feel the urge to just stick to become a student. Being a student, gives so many benefits and you do not have to be responsible to the patients you are seeing. Plus, you can make mistakes as many as possible because you are still holding that student title.

And so, that's why life as a student is a bliss. For me, as a medical student, one cannot deny by how far his or her life is living in blissfulness. We are generally been exposed to the wonders of Allah's wonderful creation; the human body every single day.

We learn the normalcy, we later learn the diseased state and try to look for measures in a way that to prevent the disease from worsening or maybe just to stop the symptoms or the features the disease is presenting with. Even the drugs prescribed to the patients are actually us, the future doctors' responsibility to get it right. We can get sued for messing with the diagnosis and the therapy we decided on the patients. That is how insecure and risky our job is.

So now that I have another 2 years to be in calm state of mind, not having to put myself at that risky shoe as a doctor in practice, I must enjoy this life to the fullest! At the same time, must work really really hard not to miss anything out. Because, you can easily missed out now that you in forth year especially here in my University. You see your friends already capable to withdraw blood, so you were like, "Why she can get the chance but not me?!" then you see your other friend who was capable to wake up as early as 7 am just to catch an insulin injection and you say, "OMG...! I should wake up earlier. Damn you alarm clock!". The cycle continues. This second last year in medical school, the school will let you be an adult. You have to decide whether to attend a seminar, a lecture, a clinical ward work (ward round) or clinical presentation. It's all up to you! Hard working is what now matters most!

I was first posted in medicine. Internal medicine that was, for approximately 6 weeks. The duration is quite short compared to usual medical schools which had it for at least 2 months. Still it was an amazing posting. I admit I have learnt so many things. And I also admit during this posting, I had basically improved in history taking and case presentation as well as the physical examination, alhamdulillah! Medicine is again covered the whole thing. It's like you are dealing with things under the sun. Or the pandora box some will say it. Like always, as the first group of posting, there was some problem in between. We didn't manage to complete our logbook like a professional. It was rather sad because you know when you have to do things just as what you can do to get it finish rather than doing something really good because you really wanna impressed the examiners; these two actions are different. We were supposedly to be assigned to different patient each and made a follow-up for each patient. But we didn't do it because it was a last minute call. Later, we just made it finish by whatever wits we have. I myself typed 10 case reports in a week! That's considered a new record! And kids, trust me! Case reports can make you die! Like literally! I am grateful I didn't phew! Only is do not procrastinate in medicine! There's certainly no time to lingering around because every minute now counts!

Now, basically I am in the forth week, finale week of psychiatric. Psychiatric has been the most sporting post so far. Our lecturers are cool and they can totally understand how we work. They didn't just push us to the extra limits which was good. The only main problem came to the time of presenting a case. The problem is once again the language. Dealing with mentally disorder patients are somewhat fun, exciting but then again will just make you disappointed in the end. The disappointment appeared when you tried so hard talking like a chicken speaking to duck, yet you came to nothing. In psychiatry, history is more likely to be his story. His or her kind of story you need to know. What problem he or she had, cannot be asked by simply a question of "What problem are you having?" They would just say mental problem. Or "pagal" which means crazy or lunatic in Hindi. That is certainly not enough to write in our case sheet. To go deeper in knowing what made them come to the hospital is by reaching a good rapport; which needs an art. But rapport alone will not be maintained because they (the patients) see you as an idiotic doctor who comes to bother them in language they cannot understand. I have encountered one patient, an old lady having obsessive-compulsive disorder. She was fine at first, after an hour speaking to her, both in my broken Hindi and English, she got irritated. She asked me for an advice on how to make her get rid off the obsessive thoughts she was having.

 Her problem was that she continued being worried that she's being contaminated with her own urine after having that nature calls. She wasted pails of water just to make sure her bathroom is clean after using it. It was so severe that her family members started to notice. She also had this weird feelings that a well (a perigi) inside her room was going to pull her inside. As in to let her drown. She thus cannot sleep in her own room and felt so scared when ever she walked passed the room. She also thinks her hands were dirty - contaminated with urine, so she did not want to cook. The whole family needed to eat at restaurants each day. It was an interesting case of severe OCD. But when my professor took her version of history, the story was different. Well, actually half of the story I got was correct only that perhaps the patient got irritated because she was wanting to tell me about her other problems which was she heard voices of her sister in law who's already dead, but I couldn't understand. I started to give her advice on keep on praying to God, which I know silly but it's the best I can tell her that time. I didn't realize it was a wrong advice until I read her file which wrote she had troubles in praying because she was feeling rather unhygienic for such holy rituals. Bummer!

And on last monday, I actually volunteered myself to have an examination earlier than scheduled. Dr Antonio was rather spontaneous when he said examination was going to held that afternoon rather on the next Tuesday. Because I already pumped with two cases in my head, I quickly raised my hand in order to volunteer; and so I did. To my surprise the fifth year also had their exams on that afternoon, and they wanted to present the SAME cases I wanted to present. It was such an annoyance. I went to the ward an hour earlier to clerk a new patient. Like always, it was Monday, thus there were only like 10 beds full of patients. The male nurse then told me to clerk a patient named Rajkumar because the first on my list was rather mute. Yeah! in Psychiatry you will come across a mental disorder whereby the sufferers will be mute and rather not talk to you!

Rajkumar was a bank accountant, knew a little English but thought he was rather superior than me. I thought he was going to be cooperative so it'd be easy to clerk him. I was totally wrong. Because he was manic he seemed to be smiling but rather deep down inside, he was actually quite irritable. To attain rapport was hard enough. I called a male nurse to help me with history taking. He then said it was hard to take from Rajkumar as he said I was giving him tension headache. I was probably the 10th student who came up to him to clerk him hence he was irritated. The only thing I got was his 5years history of bipolar disorder. Details of each I was not able to get and clarify, I was absolutely a dead meat by then. 

At 3 pm that afternoon, I was rather scared because I did not complete my history of presenting illness. I cannot get the true chronology of what was happening to Rajkumar in exact. Most of the details I simply 'goreng'. Despite the things that gone wrong, Allah had definitely gave me the strength to overcome that useless fright of having to present a case in front of the other members of the posting group. Can't thank Allah enough. Alhamdulillah:) it's already the third posting. Neuromedicine starting tomorrow. Then obstetrics and gynaecology where the true stress and hectic will emerge ahahahhaha! Upon all, I am enjoying the starting of clinical years. My posting members are great, they are all tolerable and kind. I enjoyed having kak amalia, che mas, athira mazli, ryan, nadia, marlyana, een and everyone in the posting though. Hope we can survive till the end without conflicts. InshaAllah:)

>>p/s: posting this down because Nik Syakirah ahahaha. She asked how come I haven't blog anything in these past moments. Well yeah, things changed. But I think I'll restart blogging for now. I've always love to blog<<

Friday, 6 June 2014

Reality USMKLE New Edition

Thank you first of all to those upcoming juniors (inshaALLAH) who had contact me multiple times. Yeah, I know the anxiety. The excitement to know you are either going to be accepted or rejected for medical school. I miss the feeling too ! The moment where there's so much confidence! 

I want to say that everything I told you guys would be of what I have experienced. I am now had finished my third year (Alhamdulillah and yeyyy!). So, most of my stories would be of three years back, which I assumed there's not much of a difference. But if there's any bit of a difference, I am really sorry.

What have change?

1. Professors/lecturers
- Many of our lecturers had left us. For example our cheerful physiology lecturer and one of our Godmother they say, named Madam Vidya. Before this, they say, Madam Vidya was a reliable person. She took care of Malaysian Students because she was by the way, the Student Affairs Dean or something (I dont really care), but because she is still an Indian citizen, I still somehow think whether she is available or absent, things are the same. So yeah, we have no longer a 'Madam' who we can run into and complaint things like about washing machines and stuff. Everything would be on our own. And they said the KLE University authority would pretty much dig our money. But wait, don't bother about money aspect. If you are here with a determination, things would be fine. Just concentrate on your main aim. But I am bit worried though for those who are not from a wealthy family and come here on parents' support. It will not be easy and cheap. I am warning you!

2. Syllabus
- For juniors coming for year one, here's a good news. You guys would probably be embarked into a new kind of USM Syllabus. I somehow think they change it to turn USM MD into somewhat similar to other medical schools in Malaysia. I don't quite know deeply how much changes in syllabus you would experience, but your clinical years start in 3rd year. Meaning, you will start your postings in third year, sleep in the hospital, eat in the hospital and making hospital as your first home. YEYYY! While I as one of the pioneer member, would start my posting in forth year, meaning in this september. They said, they will be a new hospital. A new USM hospital just for us. I still do not want to brag how awesome it will be. Because last time I heard, it is still under construction. Let me warn you guys again that coming to India, don't jaw dropped when you are allowed to live in a under-construction building though.

3. Dean might be leaving for good.
- Prof Dr Kamaruddin Jaalam, is the Deputy Dean who is assigned to watch out for us here in USMKLE. He is of course from USM Kubang Kerian. His presence is more like a gem for us especially when examinations are around the corner. Rumor has it, that he might be leaving us for good. Well, if he's leaving just pray for someone better to replace him. Because for us, he is irreplaceable. 

4. New swimming pool!
-You heard it guys and gal! There is a swimming pool, just beside the campus. But it's not just for us the USM students but for all those from JNMC as well. You will know what JNMC is when you come here. They have one separate time for the girls. Also, swimming lesson for those who want to an Olympic class swimmer. So pack along your swimming gear people. See ya in the water! LOL

5. GYM!
-There's basically no reason for one USMKLE student to not stay fit. If you cannot do outdoors, then you (the girls) can join me in the gym. I hope I still have time for gym though. We can do HIIT routines and also dancing, Zumba, just name it. Don't over expect on the equipment, since we would just pay RS1800 for 6 months, so the equipment are quite lousy especially the treadmills. Oh well, India what do you expect? Dont worry boys, I know you guys wanna turn into Abang Sado, there is definitely a big gym for you guys too! Fret not!

6. No kitchen
-Sad news for the new comers. Your room might have a pantry without a sink for you to cook. I think because there have been an experience whereby the pantry being accidentally burnt so they are really worried on us cooking. Drawback is then onto you guys though. But fret now, you can still cook elsewhere where there are plugs located. We cook by using an induction cooker. 

7. Fees
Indian currency keep dropping and hiking. Like now, it's really hiking. So when you come in september, the currency will eventually drop again. By that time, fees would be hiking. And the fees for hostel alone cost USD 900. Meanwhile, the tuition fees per year, is 20000 USD. Those under MARA would probably be of less worry since MARA pay the tuition fees and provides USD 500 allowance per month. Those under self sponsorship would probably need to plan more wisely. 

That's all guys! Sorry if I am answering you guys in a quite monotonous responses. I just not keen anymore into dealing with questions like "Is USMKLE that good?...SERIOUSLY guys and gals, if you think USMKLE is unrecognized or not good, just don't come here with doubts in your head. USMKLE is still an IPTA which is located outside the country. Even Kementerian Pelajaran Tinggi nominated it to those Malaysian students studying in Egypt during the riot crisis for them to choose to continue their studies. The reason why we are still unrecognized is because we still haven't produce our first doctors. They are going to graduate around 2015, so yeah just wait. I hope this will answer you doubt. If not so much, then a little bit would do right?

Till then...assalamualaikum. Nak tidoooo....yaawnnn. Hahhaha!

Try find me if you're really that smart!

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Becoming Hadid and Maryam

Hadid means iron in Arabic. I am sorry but I am not that well versed in Arabic, only that I know Hadid means iron. In Malay, it means 'besi'. Hadid, is in fact, not just regular iron or besi. As I depicted this word from the Quran, I know Hadid means iron by how Allah S.W.T meant it to be.

As we regularly recite Al Kahfi every time Jumuuah comes, we could easily found a verse from that very ayat that mentioned:

As Zulkarnain asked the people to bring him sheets of iron. The Hadid. He leveled them between the two mountain walls, they were blew with fire till the become thoroughly strong. And the function of these sheets of iron, the Hadid was to prevent the Gog and Magog (Yakjuj and Makjuj) from coming any closer and causing tantrums to the people. The sheets of iron is strong enough that it couldn't be penetrated by those Gog and Magog.

The same thing I want to apply to myself. I am a stern person myself. But I realized how weak I am. Hadid in general should be a presentation to how our hearts should be. Strong. Firm. There must be nothing that could penetrate that firmness. Firmness in the route to get near to Allah. To our first home; Paradise. Jannah. I have a lot of times received messages from friends. from my sisters who keep on inviting to come closer to Allah. The messages keep on flowing and flowing. But I wonder why my heart seems not to be happy. Not to have the excitement as my other sisters. I always want to have that feeling. The excitement, happiness whenever the call awaits. When the call comes. Too many buts but yeah T__T

Being strong as not to stumble and fall. That is Hadid. The strong heart that knows well that only Allah should be her prior. None others. When things happened as it has been written, it's because Allah wants the heart to be closer to the ground. To make me, us just as His Servant. Whether things that happened is a joy or a sore. The heart should not weakens. Instead it should be like Hadid, firm and wouldn't let sadness over penetrate it self. 

Being Maryam R.A

Turning the soul into Maryam's soul. The Holy Mother of Prophet Isa a.s. Maryam is known for her fondness in enslaving herself to Allah Almighty God. Even food came to her from Allah's sky through the angel Jibrael a.s. She was chosen to be the mother of our Prophet Isa a.s because she was pure. She never had attachments towards humans. What more is it to be men. One day, Allah chose her to carry Prophet Isa a.s. in her womb. She cried as she wondered how could she become pregnant when she never ever even speak to a man. And never had been touched. Allah S.W.T reassured her that this was to be a sign of His power. That, when Allah meant something to happen, it happened. It's beyond human's capability. 

Maryam is also the only woman that had been mentioned in the Quran by her name alone. She has one surah for that. Her rank is so high that none other women would ever surpasses her. She lies besides the love of Allah. And when she gave birth, she was alone, Allah gave her all the strength. But during the childbirth, as she was weak and thirsty, Allah mentioned in the surah; calling her to go to a palm tree and shake it so that the fruits from it came down. Allah wanted to see her effort in doing so, because with efforts, Allah rewards us with more blessings. And when, Prophet Isa a.s was delivered, and people came talking bad towards Maryam, Allah gave the power to little Prophet Isa a.s to speak and defended his mother. 

Maryam, is a true Muslimah, Mukminah in general. How am I to have a soul as purified as her? That what heart has is only Allah S.W.T but none others. Nothing in the world owns her. And all she did was to surrender and surrender to Allah. Nothing else matters. 

Again, the world is fluttered with false hopes, dreams and too much negligence. But we too have Allah despite everything. Indeed, to be as pure as Maryam, and to develop a heart as strong like Hadid, perseverance is the key. And du'a and prayers. Lets put Allah on top of our priority ! 

>>p/s: -Bila kita kejar Allah, nescaya Dunia mula mengejar kita-<<

Wednesday, 8 January 2014


When there is the intense feeling of hardness to breathe in air, what this could possibly be?

When there is tightness in the chest, what could be the cure of this all?

In the midst, when little children, of innocence, who were being trashed, slaughtered to death; how could Dayana, possibly be so weak?

How can you be weak when you have God by your side?

Always. Eternally.

Sometimes I ponder, where goes all the happiness?

Why do I feel tightness in chest when the day goes by?

Why am I not feeling this right?

This life. It is short. But what make me care so much of its contents?

Ya Rabb, teach me to let go. Guide me to let go.

Guide me to cry when I make sujud.

Guide me to feel how the Companions had felt when they embrace Islam.

Guide me steadfastness. In everything.



Friday, 13 December 2013


Stepping into this age, the 2nd decade of life brings the utmost unexpected events in life. One will start to notice life needs more 'self-exploratory' rather than being spoon-fed. One will also start to notice some people landed in their life to either become part of their lives or just for the sake of 'learning process'. Life would become more eventful as well; for example, college life, dating, some friends getting engaged, some friends you know start changing towards the better, YOU start to change, YOU start finding the true meaning of life and of course some of us might as well experience death.

Trust me, if I can tell my old self who is a 10 year old now, I would tell her how hard it is to be an adult. But among these hardship; there's relief. There's happiness. There's solution. All we need to do is to have that guts to overcome it. To swim across the ocean. But yes, we need to learn how to swim. To KNOW how to swim. 

When there's life, there's certainly death. And after death we are actually still on our way towards the final destination: either hell fire or Jannah (the Paradise). I have been observing that nowadays, in this era, in MY era, people aged alike me will either get married or they die. Dying early and getting married early. Which do I want if I were to be questioned? Maybe death. 

Not that I want to commit suicide but to think of it, death is not that simple. People said if we die during our youth during the time we are pursuing our studies, it is considered as Jihad. But what if along the college life, all I ever did was to study? Was to prioritize my grades more that towards my faith towards Allah? Would my death be that of the death that I wish I would have? Even towards death itself, we must bring meaning to it. 

For the past few years, few days, I've heard my friends lost their mom, some lost their dad to tragic diseases. Can you imagine, you are in the midst of becoming a doctor, of course, you are dreaming high so that one day, perhaps, you as a doctor could help to treat your parents; but Allah Al Mighty has greater plans for you; He gave you a test; He took away the one you love; your mom your dad. How would that make you feel? 

At this age, I've observed, that it's a vital sort of strength that we need deep inside, to have the power to let go. Letting go of things, of these nikmat Allah has been pouring or gifted us, in this mortal world. Even for myself, at this age, at 21, being the eldest in the family, I could confessed, that my greatest fear is to lose my parents. I can't imagine how would my life would be without them. Without them who love and had cared for me for all these while. The feeling cause my heart to ache. I need to have that power of faith as the Sahabah, Abu Bakar As Siddiq. He who donated whole heartedly his fortune and wealth for the sake of dakwah, and when being questioned by Prophet s.a.w, what would happen or what will he leave behind for his family; he immediately answer: It is enough for my family that they have you, ya Rasulullah s.a.w and Allah S.W.T. My heart aches more to hear this. How could I have such strong faith and belief as Abu Bakar As Siddiq?

Two days ago, my colleague, had to return immediately as her father was on his death bed, a day after he passed away. A friend I know a couple of months ago who had her father warded for cancer, and who all these while have posted happy moments photos of her father with her, already lost him a month ago. Very big lost to them. And when I read one of tweet from this friend saying:

"For the last 21 years, you, Dad, came here to register my name. But today, my dear Dad, I registered your death" 

This made me burst into tears. Like how would I feel or even react if the same thing happen to me? 

Hence, letting go, letting an entity to just leave is something most of us has to learn to accept. And accept it with an opened heart. People would eventually die. You, Me, Us.  

Monday, 14 October 2013


It's irony how nowadays, we subject a person or a troop of people according to their religion. Some westerners, or those of liberal thinking; would perhaps still consider Muslims with all those beard, those white hat (kopiah) and women with burqa or black veils; are terrorists. This explains all the banning issues against many Muslim women worldwide on wearing a head cover.

Well, clearly while many others fight for their right to wear head covers or scarves; there are still more out there who do not realize the concept of covering our aurah is a MUST and COMPULSORY. Not merely necessities. Sad isn't it? Thank God; for Allah, The Almighty Lord; is The Forgiver, alhamdulillah:)

People often misinterpret humanity. They always pin point the religion. For example, if one acknowledge another a syiah; automatically they will have to picture some sort of Basshar Al Assad regime in Syria. Well I had experience something we call 'Humanity that matters'. Something of that mindset that we have to tuned ourselves to, so that we don't judge. Instead, be experienced. Or in other words; do not judge the books by their covers. And I must emphasized; we Muslims; are supposed to always husnudzon (Thinking only good towards something or someone) first, before putting labels, but yet, many of us still fail to do so. I am too at times. Lets repent and switch our mindset. 

Bandra West, looks like a big city but behind those are slums.

When I went to Mumbai two years back, my friends and I had trouble in the search for a good silent place to solah, to pray in the crowd of Colaba. We entered to one shoe shop owned by a Muslim. Unfortunately, the water supply somehow shuts that time so we were really at end wits to where we should perform our solah. They then, showed us the route to a nearby musolah. It was Friday noon that time, so you could imagine how many Muslim men were there at the musolah.

Apparently, we were looking at each other, and asked ourselves how could we passed by all these men who were listening to Khutbah. Though we were a bit perplexed why the shoe shop owner we went earlier didn't actually go for the Jumuah solah. Then, there's a lady who came from the musolah, approached us, and led us the way. For women, they have this one small room (very small, can accommodate one bed kinda room), so we saw some women in black robes (Jubah) and black veils (Burqa') who were performing solah in there. And the room for wudhuk was somewhere else. 

ALLANA HOUSE, COLLABA :) The musolah where we pray. 

Of course, it wasn't much of a surprise that the women didn't pray like we 'did'. I mean, I am quite well versed of the difference in our mazhab. Most Muslims in India they practice Mazhab Hanafi, which didn't require them to really cover their feet while solah/prayer. So, they saw us 'differently' and started staring. All we could do was to reciprocate their stares hehehe :) 

Oh did I tell you that McDonald around Colaba isn't Halal? Well, upon coming here, there are a lot of doubts regarding any fast food's restaurant's status. Our seniors who had been there, told us we should not worry because yes, it's halal. But in the Musolah, Fariyal, a good friend of mine who was among those who is most peculiar about Halal food, asked one woman after finishing our prayer. Well, what to do then? Our craving for McDonald was let down after knowing it's not Halal. Rather, we had our lunch in a local Muslim restaurant called Olympia. It was still nice though but of course pricey.

the restaurant almost close (they don't have lunch at 3 pm)

Nothing could express our gratitude to Allah Al Mighty for showing us the way and ease our intention to do our obligation. Not many masjids of any kind would let women to enter and solat. But something really shocked me during my research for Ethnic studies in 2nd year. 

We went to Bhendi Bazaar to interview this local Imaam, as for Ethnic project on Islamic religion; comparison between that of in Malaysia and India. I told our experience, and somehow, the Imaam told us that the musolah we entered might not be of that of a Muslim. Because, in India all masjids disallowed women to enter since most women don't even pray. And because most of them are not Sunni, or following the Mazhab Syafiee. 

What sadden me the most is to know that, many Muslims, in India, treat their wives just as to keep them at pleasure, do house chores, take good care of the children and that's basically it. No need to teach them regarding Islam or to guide them towards it. Plus we got to know the musolah we went to in Mumbai was a place of worship for a religion or belief called Bahai. 

Bahai if I am not mistaken is one of the 'Syirik' and misleading belief as well as misleading preaching there is in this world. But how come those people, even if it's true they aren't Muslims could let us pray in their place? As if they saw the hardships or difficulty that we faced during that time to find the place to do so. This really touched my heart. They are seriously humane to me. Humane in knowing that we were in difficulty and willing to help as well as respecting our religion. 

Isn't that just blessed to experience such a wonderful thing. Humanity doesn't count whether you are a Muslim, a Syiah, a Christian, Hindu or even an Atheist. It is one kind of 'blessing' or gift that Allah puts in our hearts but most people couldn't show. The war or the slaughtering of humans made by those tyranny in Syria; those are not humanity; but see how the people from all over the world voiced out the hatred towards violence towards those innocents Syrians. Remember there's a circulating photo of Muslim men who were praying were guarded by Christian men in a circle because there was a riot in Egypt recently? All those are humanity. Humanity doesn't stick just to a particular religion. They go by heart. Only those with clean hearts could express it and show it. May Allah bless us with such hearts :)

>>p/s: loving to reminisce first year, where all of us were more united. But then I realize I am the one who's putting a distance between my colleagues and myself. Pardon me, but I guess I am just a loner:)>>