The Entity

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Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

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And remember, it always rain hard for those who deserve The Sun. :)

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Becoming Hadid and Maryam

Hadid means iron in Arabic. I am sorry but I am not that well versed in Arabic, only that I know Hadid means iron. In Malay, it means 'besi'. Hadid, is in fact, not just regular iron or besi. As I depicted this word from the Quran, I know Hadid means iron by how Allah S.W.T meant it to be.

As we regularly recite Al Kahfi every time Jumuuah comes, we could easily found a verse from that very ayat that mentioned:

As Zulkarnain asked the people to bring him sheets of iron. The Hadid. He leveled them between the two mountain walls, they were blew with fire till the become thoroughly strong. And the function of these sheets of iron, the Hadid was to prevent the Gog and Magog (Yakjuj and Makjuj) from coming any closer and causing tantrums to the people. The sheets of iron is strong enough that it couldn't be penetrated by those Gog and Magog.

The same thing I want to apply to myself. I am a stern person myself. But I realized how weak I am. Hadid in general should be a presentation to how our hearts should be. Strong. Firm. There must be nothing that could penetrate that firmness. Firmness in the route to get near to Allah. To our first home; Paradise. Jannah. I have a lot of times received messages from friends. from my sisters who keep on inviting to come closer to Allah. The messages keep on flowing and flowing. But I wonder why my heart seems not to be happy. Not to have the excitement as my other sisters. I always want to have that feeling. The excitement, happiness whenever the call awaits. When the call comes. Too many buts but yeah T__T

Being strong as not to stumble and fall. That is Hadid. The strong heart that knows well that only Allah should be her prior. None others. When things happened as it has been written, it's because Allah wants the heart to be closer to the ground. To make me, us just as His Servant. Whether things that happened is a joy or a sore. The heart should not weakens. Instead it should be like Hadid, firm and wouldn't let sadness over penetrate it self. 

Being Maryam R.A

Turning the soul into Maryam's soul. The Holy Mother of Prophet Isa a.s. Maryam is known for her fondness in enslaving herself to Allah Almighty God. Even food came to her from Allah's sky through the angel Jibrael a.s. She was chosen to be the mother of our Prophet Isa a.s because she was pure. She never had attachments towards humans. What more is it to be men. One day, Allah chose her to carry Prophet Isa a.s. in her womb. She cried as she wondered how could she become pregnant when she never ever even speak to a man. And never had been touched. Allah S.W.T reassured her that this was to be a sign of His power. That, when Allah meant something to happen, it happened. It's beyond human's capability. 

Maryam is also the only woman that had been mentioned in the Quran by her name alone. She has one surah for that. Her rank is so high that none other women would ever surpasses her. She lies besides the love of Allah. And when she gave birth, she was alone, Allah gave her all the strength. But during the childbirth, as she was weak and thirsty, Allah mentioned in the surah; calling her to go to a palm tree and shake it so that the fruits from it came down. Allah wanted to see her effort in doing so, because with efforts, Allah rewards us with more blessings. And when, Prophet Isa a.s was delivered, and people came talking bad towards Maryam, Allah gave the power to little Prophet Isa a.s to speak and defended his mother. 

Maryam, is a true Muslimah, Mukminah in general. How am I to have a soul as purified as her? That what heart has is only Allah S.W.T but none others. Nothing in the world owns her. And all she did was to surrender and surrender to Allah. Nothing else matters. 

Again, the world is fluttered with false hopes, dreams and too much negligence. But we too have Allah despite everything. Indeed, to be as pure as Maryam, and to develop a heart as strong like Hadid, perseverance is the key. And du'a and prayers. Lets put Allah on top of our priority ! 

>>p/s: -Bila kita kejar Allah, nescaya Dunia mula mengejar kita-<<

Wednesday, 8 January 2014


When there is the intense feeling of hardness to breathe in air, what this could possibly be?

When there is tightness in the chest, what could be the cure of this all?

In the midst, when little children, of innocence, who were being trashed, slaughtered to death; how could Dayana, possibly be so weak?

How can you be weak when you have God by your side?

Always. Eternally.

Sometimes I ponder, where goes all the happiness?

Why do I feel tightness in chest when the day goes by?

Why am I not feeling this right?

This life. It is short. But what make me care so much of its contents?

Ya Rabb, teach me to let go. Guide me to let go.

Guide me to cry when I make sujud.

Guide me to feel how the Companions had felt when they embrace Islam.

Guide me steadfastness. In everything.



Friday, 13 December 2013


Stepping into this age, the 2nd decade of life brings the utmost unexpected events in life. One will start to notice life needs more 'self-exploratory' rather than being spoon-fed. One will also start to notice some people landed in their life to either become part of their lives or just for the sake of 'learning process'. Life would become more eventful as well; for example, college life, dating, some friends getting engaged, some friends you know start changing towards the better, YOU start to change, YOU start finding the true meaning of life and of course some of us might as well experience death.

Trust me, if I can tell my old self who is a 10 year old now, I would tell her how hard it is to be an adult. But among these hardship; there's relief. There's happiness. There's solution. All we need to do is to have that guts to overcome it. To swim across the ocean. But yes, we need to learn how to swim. To KNOW how to swim. 

When there's life, there's certainly death. And after death we are actually still on our way towards the final destination: either hell fire or Jannah (the Paradise). I have been observing that nowadays, in this era, in MY era, people aged alike me will either get married or they die. Dying early and getting married early. Which do I want if I were to be questioned? Maybe death. 

Not that I want to commit suicide but to think of it, death is not that simple. People said if we die during our youth during the time we are pursuing our studies, it is considered as Jihad. But what if along the college life, all I ever did was to study? Was to prioritize my grades more that towards my faith towards Allah? Would my death be that of the death that I wish I would have? Even towards death itself, we must bring meaning to it. 

For the past few years, few days, I've heard my friends lost their mom, some lost their dad to tragic diseases. Can you imagine, you are in the midst of becoming a doctor, of course, you are dreaming high so that one day, perhaps, you as a doctor could help to treat your parents; but Allah Al Mighty has greater plans for you; He gave you a test; He took away the one you love; your mom your dad. How would that make you feel? 

At this age, I've observed, that it's a vital sort of strength that we need deep inside, to have the power to let go. Letting go of things, of these nikmat Allah has been pouring or gifted us, in this mortal world. Even for myself, at this age, at 21, being the eldest in the family, I could confessed, that my greatest fear is to lose my parents. I can't imagine how would my life would be without them. Without them who love and had cared for me for all these while. The feeling cause my heart to ache. I need to have that power of faith as the Sahabah, Abu Bakar As Siddiq. He who donated whole heartedly his fortune and wealth for the sake of dakwah, and when being questioned by Prophet s.a.w, what would happen or what will he leave behind for his family; he immediately answer: It is enough for my family that they have you, ya Rasulullah s.a.w and Allah S.W.T. My heart aches more to hear this. How could I have such strong faith and belief as Abu Bakar As Siddiq?

Two days ago, my colleague, had to return immediately as her father was on his death bed, a day after he passed away. A friend I know a couple of months ago who had her father warded for cancer, and who all these while have posted happy moments photos of her father with her, already lost him a month ago. Very big lost to them. And when I read one of tweet from this friend saying:

"For the last 21 years, you, Dad, came here to register my name. But today, my dear Dad, I registered your death" 

This made me burst into tears. Like how would I feel or even react if the same thing happen to me? 

Hence, letting go, letting an entity to just leave is something most of us has to learn to accept. And accept it with an opened heart. People would eventually die. You, Me, Us.  

Monday, 14 October 2013


It's irony how nowadays, we subject a person or a troop of people according to their religion. Some westerners, or those of liberal thinking; would perhaps still consider Muslims with all those beard, those white hat (kopiah) and women with burqa or black veils; are terrorists. This explains all the banning issues against many Muslim women worldwide on wearing a head cover.

Well, clearly while many others fight for their right to wear head covers or scarves; there are still more out there who do not realize the concept of covering our aurah is a MUST and COMPULSORY. Not merely necessities. Sad isn't it? Thank God; for Allah, The Almighty Lord; is The Forgiver, alhamdulillah:)

People often misinterpret humanity. They always pin point the religion. For example, if one acknowledge another a syiah; automatically they will have to picture some sort of Basshar Al Assad regime in Syria. Well I had experience something we call 'Humanity that matters'. Something of that mindset that we have to tuned ourselves to, so that we don't judge. Instead, be experienced. Or in other words; do not judge the books by their covers. And I must emphasized; we Muslims; are supposed to always husnudzon (Thinking only good towards something or someone) first, before putting labels, but yet, many of us still fail to do so. I am too at times. Lets repent and switch our mindset. 

Bandra West, looks like a big city but behind those are slums.

When I went to Mumbai two years back, my friends and I had trouble in the search for a good silent place to solah, to pray in the crowd of Colaba. We entered to one shoe shop owned by a Muslim. Unfortunately, the water supply somehow shuts that time so we were really at end wits to where we should perform our solah. They then, showed us the route to a nearby musolah. It was Friday noon that time, so you could imagine how many Muslim men were there at the musolah.

Apparently, we were looking at each other, and asked ourselves how could we passed by all these men who were listening to Khutbah. Though we were a bit perplexed why the shoe shop owner we went earlier didn't actually go for the Jumuah solah. Then, there's a lady who came from the musolah, approached us, and led us the way. For women, they have this one small room (very small, can accommodate one bed kinda room), so we saw some women in black robes (Jubah) and black veils (Burqa') who were performing solah in there. And the room for wudhuk was somewhere else. 

ALLANA HOUSE, COLLABA :) The musolah where we pray. 

Of course, it wasn't much of a surprise that the women didn't pray like we 'did'. I mean, I am quite well versed of the difference in our mazhab. Most Muslims in India they practice Mazhab Hanafi, which didn't require them to really cover their feet while solah/prayer. So, they saw us 'differently' and started staring. All we could do was to reciprocate their stares hehehe :) 

Oh did I tell you that McDonald around Colaba isn't Halal? Well, upon coming here, there are a lot of doubts regarding any fast food's restaurant's status. Our seniors who had been there, told us we should not worry because yes, it's halal. But in the Musolah, Fariyal, a good friend of mine who was among those who is most peculiar about Halal food, asked one woman after finishing our prayer. Well, what to do then? Our craving for McDonald was let down after knowing it's not Halal. Rather, we had our lunch in a local Muslim restaurant called Olympia. It was still nice though but of course pricey.

the restaurant almost close (they don't have lunch at 3 pm)

Nothing could express our gratitude to Allah Al Mighty for showing us the way and ease our intention to do our obligation. Not many masjids of any kind would let women to enter and solat. But something really shocked me during my research for Ethnic studies in 2nd year. 

We went to Bhendi Bazaar to interview this local Imaam, as for Ethnic project on Islamic religion; comparison between that of in Malaysia and India. I told our experience, and somehow, the Imaam told us that the musolah we entered might not be of that of a Muslim. Because, in India all masjids disallowed women to enter since most women don't even pray. And because most of them are not Sunni, or following the Mazhab Syafiee. 

What sadden me the most is to know that, many Muslims, in India, treat their wives just as to keep them at pleasure, do house chores, take good care of the children and that's basically it. No need to teach them regarding Islam or to guide them towards it. Plus we got to know the musolah we went to in Mumbai was a place of worship for a religion or belief called Bahai. 

Bahai if I am not mistaken is one of the 'Syirik' and misleading belief as well as misleading preaching there is in this world. But how come those people, even if it's true they aren't Muslims could let us pray in their place? As if they saw the hardships or difficulty that we faced during that time to find the place to do so. This really touched my heart. They are seriously humane to me. Humane in knowing that we were in difficulty and willing to help as well as respecting our religion. 

Isn't that just blessed to experience such a wonderful thing. Humanity doesn't count whether you are a Muslim, a Syiah, a Christian, Hindu or even an Atheist. It is one kind of 'blessing' or gift that Allah puts in our hearts but most people couldn't show. The war or the slaughtering of humans made by those tyranny in Syria; those are not humanity; but see how the people from all over the world voiced out the hatred towards violence towards those innocents Syrians. Remember there's a circulating photo of Muslim men who were praying were guarded by Christian men in a circle because there was a riot in Egypt recently? All those are humanity. Humanity doesn't stick just to a particular religion. They go by heart. Only those with clean hearts could express it and show it. May Allah bless us with such hearts :)

>>p/s: loving to reminisce first year, where all of us were more united. But then I realize I am the one who's putting a distance between my colleagues and myself. Pardon me, but I guess I am just a loner:)>>

Sunday, 6 October 2013


"Apa tarbiyah dayana ye?"
"Dayana, nak share?"
"Dayana, iman macam mana hari ni?"

Those questions which some of you guys or some of my friends who happen to read them, feel quite as well easy to reply. To give answers. For me, these are killer questions. Killer than a question of when will I get married or to engage. Gulp.

For some reason, before I return to Belgaum for my third year; I had set this goal to grab every opportunities that come knocking at my door. Grab that and just do it! . I was so eager to come back. To return to my usrah mates and all. But guess what I did mentioned when reaching Bangalore airport? I said to my friends, I can't wait to return to Malaysia again T.T

I remember how I first joined all this usrah sitting was in my first year. Someone, anonymously pasted a note on my door asking me to join a sitting in someone else's room. It was my dear friend Mer's room. I was perplexed and almost follow Fariyal's sitting or picnic. Hahaha. Then I realized, I got 'selected'. Got selected to Ohana :)

Those were the times, we were all bunch of innocent 'little girls'. Who know nothing more except coming to India to study, become a doctor yada yada yada. Things were mostly just approaching 'Wahan; a love towards dunya. Until at one point, every usrah mates you had in your sitting, start to change bit by bit. You know you are stepping ahead towards something more 'secured' than anything you could ever had wish upon for. Towards better-ment. Towards something eternal happiness.

My friend D, whom I met in Premed UiTM, who also almost became my roommate; was among my usrahmates who had go so far in this 'Path' towards becoming a better muslimah. I just couldn't describe in words of how she has changed but all I know is yes, she has changed, 180 degree. I somewhat do not recognize her anymore. It's a miracle how the deen can immediately change her. Her personality, her actions, words uttered out from her mouth. SubhanALLAH!

Then, now that is she is happily married (at my age), it simply shows how beautiful Allah is taking care of her, protecting her. Not only that, I also kind of envy for the fact that my friend D is spreading happiness and goodness of tarbiyah in everyone. Of course, not everyone is being gifted with such capabilities. Everything goes just too fast for D. But I am happy for her !

Again, recently a new friend, Amirah Lina, shared this verse 57:16 from the Quran.

Has the time not come, for you Dayana? As if Allah asked me this on my face. It hurts. After almost three years, have I not yet realized? That there is better things to chase for. There are better things that I should hold on to? Because I've felt the pain, the staggering pain when chasing for something not even close to security. Not even an ant size close. It's hurting waiting for love which is not even true. Yet, I still hold on to some sort of false promises. How weak.

It has been almost a month for third year I am here. I've updating in twittah how clueless my life is. Suddenly, those spirit to start searching and those awakening boost I've set before I came back here all gone. Well, can't blame CFCS though. But seriously, I was in my calamity of thoughts. I was between "Yes I can do this!" and "What if what if I lost"

Truth is, what my previous Naqibah said is true. Joining some sort of Qudwah Hasannah is indeed a hard thing to do. But once you have step into and out of that journey; your heart will bloom with flowers. I want to feel that flowers. I want to have those flowery moments and thoughts with all these sisters who are in the same path with me. But I guess, I just need to try a little bit harder.

Then came another video sharing. Remember Salahuddin Al Ayubbi; one of the greatest leader and king that ever lived. Who opened Palestine? He was so great that even then everyone loved him. Even the non believers. And when he died, everyone mourned so bad. Until today, there are no leaders or kings as great as him. Those who went to his tomb and grave, even cried and 'pray' so that Salahuddin would wake up and save Palestine, Syria, Iraq and all. How irony? Now that the lives are asking a favor from someone who had deceased? How irony. How weak. How pathetic!

What are we now really? I see myself as such a supine-spineless person. Who even to join a sitting for usrah is still hard for me to say OK directly. What am I? What are we? Where are we heading to?

So yes people. We all need reminders. Let them be youtube videos (Please make full use of youtube, do more lah! ), let them be your friends, like myself, I envy over my roommates who is not also holding a high position in students association here but also a daie and let them be the Quran itself.

Aidan, a dear friend, hit me hard on my head. "Please don't be a spoil brat people!" She said recently. True, friends are there, to remind you of your Tarbiyah Dzatiyah (Tarbiyah when we are alone) and Tarbiyah Jamaiee (Tarbiyah when we are together). Yes! I agreed on the fact that I am spoiled. All I did was getting spoon-fed. I was not doing all the things for Allah. I put Allah on the second or third priority. I put 'friends' as my first. How would the others see me if I didn't do certain things? Maybe if I start joining them for all these Islamic lectures, I'll be part of them. Those were my thoughts. Just so wrong to think back.

I know Islam is not about uniformity, but unity. Yet, I am still found it hard so hard soo soo hard to start, and build that UNITY among these wonderful sisters here. And if the unity is not what I yet to feel or to 'get', how would I spread dakwah?

Just do it ! That's the perfect answer for now.

>> If you love someone, stop giving false hopes. <<

Saturday, 28 September 2013


was it just an illusion?

did I just wake up from a dream,

from a beautiful dream?

were all those good night wishes,

and dearly words of consoling,

are all lies,

are those all merely illusion?

how easy it was to start

and how easier it was to end.

eyes didn't tell,

and even mouth didn't speak.

but the truth is I know it all.

what is happening now,

and what is in your mind.

perhaps I should wait?

perhaps I should cry

when I utter your name out

of my prayer?


let this just be another phase

phase where two humans met,

they separate due to fate,

and we'll both go in our own way.

Sunday, 22 September 2013


My expertise is by being silent. Stay silent as a mouse. I still remember one fine day, I visited my beloved Mak Teh who was admitted in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang. It was before I even came to India for studying purpose. 

Mak Teh was at a chronic stage of Diabetes Mellitus. She refused to take her medications on the exact schedule and I was really worried, I mean still am. I miss the strong Mak Teh. Who could drive us (my siblings, cousins and all her nieces and nephews) for a trip to Kuala Lumpur or to the beach. But of course, now she couldn't do all that. The last time she drove me was to my college in Puncak Alam, during asasi years, together with my friends. We stayed at her house overnight just because to attend our grand gala. She stopped by at one stall (my Makcu's stall) which was selling Cakoi. 

Oh..those time! I surely miss. While visiting my Mak Teh, I was really sad seeing her all weak. Even now, I thank God that she's still alive. But seeing her with her edematous lower extremities hurts me to bits and pieces. She couldn't walk properly and often seeing tired. That day at the hospital, mom told her I got my place for medicine. But she rather looks unhappy and asked: "How can you be a doctor? You can't even speak to people?"

Oh yes. Even in the family, I am not the kind of person who speaks. Who sings or who dances. Timid as I am, I tried to show the other side of me in university, in college, because I believe this is the place where I could be what I want to be. I was wrong.

I was completely wrong because for Godsake, I don't even know the basic style how to talk. Yes, talking to people (of course, not to a wall that is), I seriously do not master the art of talking to people. I hit my target badly and unsuccessfully. I spoke out my ideas in a wrong turn, that sometimes, my frankness kills me. Because to talk, not only confidence that matters, but style as well. Style determines whether we could successfully hit our target audiences. I surely do not have that.

For third year, I suddenly realize I not only do not have the style to talk, but I also lose my confidence to go in front and voice out my ideas. I simply do not think this is the consequence for a month plus hiatus from college but I myself develop some kind of fear. Fear for being banned, fear for what people thinks. Many kinds of fear. And for this fear, I feel is rather not fun to stay here anymore. 

My truthfulness, my frankness also fired me back because I accidentally hurt a one elderly's heart. I didn't realized until one day I ventilated how that elderly was wrong to me, that I be frank with her. I was completely wrong. I hit the wrong target. I didn't use my soft skill, because yes, I do not have strong solid soft skill. I never will. 

Even to some friends, I always talk to, I feel insecure. Until I don't find the solution, that I decided to remain silent. Silent is gold like old saying goes, so yeah perhaps this is better. To keep quite.