It feels different

Fine, it's true that I accept the fact that I am going to India soon. I am excited as everyone else who will also be going there. My dream to study overseas, has been granted, what else do I want? But why I don't feel fine about this. Or in other word: FUN?

People always said, to succeed, do not turn back. Do not contemplate on the past. Past is a history, and things happened. That is life. But, accepting good things are now just as  our  pasts, made me feel bad. Every morning, I would wake up and feel extremely sad, knowing things won't be the same again.

Why I am sad?

1. I am still thinking of UiTM Shah Alam- The Faculty of Medicine.

- Arggghhh...call me insane. Call me pathetic, but this is sooo real. I am having this bad feeling that I won't be part of it any more. After Pre-Medicine experience, I sort of glued to that place already. Even though the hostel is the worst place to live in, even though there's always technical problems at lecture halls and even though the lectures are tedious to be copied, but I am in love with it. I love my fellow friends at Pre-Medicine, especially my super roommates. I now must learn to be apart from them. It is hard, especially when I have always dream to be with them for degree. AHHH, this is nonsense, dear self.

2. I want my Pre Med Room mates back 

- And again another nonsense. One month, or less, but we are like sisters. Memories last, but events fade. The feelings don't just go away. Three of four of us, got the same place, and I am the only one stranded. This is super sad, just knowing, I will be far from all of them. Now, I regret for not excelling the final examination, WHY MUST I FEEL THIS NOW?

miss all of them :'(

3. Joining another group- USM-KLE

-Recently, been busy with Facebook, playing comments with seniors from USM KLE. Of course, I now have to join the new group, leaving this frustration not to be able entering or joining MBBS UiTM Batch 9, meanwhile most of fellow pre-meds can. It felt a lot different, a lot em, less fun. Not to mention, some of the new students are from various matriculation college, only four of us, would be from asasi UiTM, thus it feels awkward. And the awkward has just been super annoying.

USM-KLE new discussion group 

-How I wish to join this group :(

In my dream :(

4. I will be missing the old Pre-Medicine 2011 group. It carved a lot of memories for all of us and surely, had created a perfect bond to unite us. Sadly, not all of us are meant to be together. Live by the fact, dayana...

It has been quite unlike a month ago. Emmm

5. Less than 30 days at home, spending Raya with no leisure

-Since, I got 30 days to spend Ramadhan at home, I must make use of this opportunity. Performing Tarawikh with family and the whole neighbourhood, bring priceless memory. Probably next year, I won't be getting the similar chances. And to think about it, yes, it is so sad.

-On Eid-Fitri, only the 1st day will I have the chance to celebrate with dear big family at Klang, and then at Kedah. Days will be lesser compared to previous years, and the moments at Kedah will be limiting. Meaning, less time to visit many family who I only got to see once a year. After two days at Kedah, I need to return to Kajang, send little brother to SASER, then rush off to Kubang Kerian, Kelantan. PACKED! This is also sad, when you are actually a family-oriented person :(

6. Find myself a bit too occupied to spend with fellow old friends

-I had located myself from being a bad friend to the worst friend ever. Absent during previous barbecue cum reunion for my Form 5 class a 3 weeks ago, due to some circumstances had really been my greatest regret. My old friends are nice to me, they knew why I have been so 'isolated' from their circles, and they also gave me a birthday present recently, which is a book that I have always wanted. But, what did I do in return? Nothing at all. Been busy contemplating my own endeavours and been pretty selfish. What is super wrong with me???

-Plus, added to the dismay, I have exactly no spare time to at least pay them visits, especially during Eid-Fitri later on. This is another factor to the sadness:(

7. No more weekends with family

-Great news is that I no longer can play bratty with my family. Calling them to pick me up during weekends is no longer something I can dwell with. I am a grown up now, I must rely things on friends and seniors now and the fellow Indians lectures. And the best of all, I will only have Sunday to relax and to rejuvenate. YAY! I want to be busy thus, this is the moment Dayana. You asked for it, now live with it. HAHAHA. 

-In addition, if I fall sick, the only people I can rely is again fellow future friends and future seniors and future Indian doctors and nurses. No more good porridge and pamper from MakTeh at Klang. Leaving Klang behind means I also have to kiss goodbye to my niece Khayra Amani and fellow lovely cousins. Surely miss them a lot. Hope they know how to skype though...:(

>>p/s: sorry if I sounded weak here. Just too hard to let the past goes by. But I guess, time will heal everything. And yes, by hook or by crook, India here I come....:P<<<

I sense the end of it

Hungry, very very hungry. Lunch hour passed, and haven't eaten anything since 11 am. Why? Because basically, today is just another lazy day to go to the kitchen. Probably we will have dinner outside and whatever.

Today is kind of a lonely day. My facebook friend, Miranabila, text me a while ago, telling me her fine condition far away in Egypt. Well, the revolution and demonstration and whatnot are still ongoing in Egypt, but Mira told me that those people won't disturb any foreigners including Malaysians, so they will be safe. Alhamdulillah.

Like I said, a lonely day. I'd love to hang out sometimes, but to think back of THAT plan, well, better not. I probably stay home at best. Because at home, I can reach to the outside world too, via Internet. I can see what my 'friends' are doing, through Facebook and the list goes on. But, trust me kids, being friends with people virtually IS NOT similar to HAVE FRIENDS IN REALITY.

I am much more of a boring person. I talk less when I have exactly nothing to be bragging about. I care-less about any talks that involves dramas or shows on Astro because I barely had watch any since there's no Astro in the house, I got headache when I started to think and care for the world causes thus have nothing to share, and I am quite a lampy which is a new word I learn, given to those who could not understand on jokes very well. I am a slow lamp, yeah that's what it is. 

Because of the circumstances I have like above, I barely had friends whom I can say best friends. And seriously, to think twice of it, I AM RIGHT. I don't even have a friend to mutter and whine and to be stupid with and not to mention to SPEND with this entire holiday. I am not just plainly broke but plainly friendless. Is that really a word;friendless?

Ceh tak bersyukur betulkan? Ahahaha. Well, yeah maybe I am not grateful enough. But this is what I have been sensing every time when holiday comes. Sad isn't it? Who say humans can be alone? Who says humans  are alright without friends? I sometimes ponder what the word friends really mean. 

I had this facebook friend, who pursued TESL in Shah Alam's UiTM. I told him, that whether he recognized my once-upon-a-time best friend whom is a girl, and pursued the same course as he did there. Until up to this one time, this facebook friend, asked me whether I have seen my best friend's performances in one play they did back there in UiTM Shah Alam. I barely answered a plain NO and he went, "What! You haven't seen YOUR BEST FRIEND'S play?" And from that moment, I sensed the end of it. We were childhood friend, more like best friends, who did almost everything together, but destiny somehow or rather brought us to these separate ways. And when one day we went out together again, there's nothing to be talked about, nothing to share, and to conclude, there's nothing more in common. I am a hopeless friend after all. Hahaha.

Then there was one more girl who always a sunshine. She's the only person I know with a lot of confidence even though sometimes she failed in the things she did. She taught me a lot on confidence, and she is a very fun person to be with. After SPM ended, she accompanied me down under to Midvalley for job hunting. Been there for 2 consecutive days for the hunt. Finally she got a job at Dome Cafe and I got one at Robinson. Due to some events, and due to my parents' objections, I didn't go to work with her and she went there alone. I haven't seen her again from that day onwards up till now. She always changes her phone number and probably she is still at matriculation college. So, I sensed the end of her too in some pitiful ways. 

To start with, it's not their fault for making me a loner like now. I am the one who is too helpless and hopeless in building bridges so that the friendship could constantly reconnects. Oh what a dumbo. I did try to change into a better friend, a better talker, a better listener, but perhaps it took a longer time to blossom. 

She left without a note

In the midst of planning so many things to do after I completed Semester 1 by the end of September, and in the midst of struggling for Test 2 which will end tomorrow as well as while down counting the days to go home for Raya.....I received one more allegation from Allah Al Mighty God. It was the saddest incident ever happened in my life, the lost of my good friend Chiam Win Nee. Gosh, even typing down her name made me wanna burst into tears. Two words that I could utter....."DON'T GO"...

By the time Independence Day was celebrated, my best friend in this whole world, Chiam Win Nee had been called by God. She died on the midday of the 31st August 2010 due to asthma attack. I however didn't know she's gone until that night when Huda contacted me, while I was busily revising for the next day's chemistry test. It was the most horrible Independence Day ever...

I was happy to receive the call, it has been such a long time since I talk to her. I smiled, and didn't expect that it was a call informing me about the death of my best friend. 

 "Dayana....awak tahu tak Chiam dah meninggal?...said Huda. Her voice was low, trying to calming down.

"Ya Allah....apa!!?" I just couldn't believe what I've heard...

"Janganlah nangis...."coaxed Huda...

And on the spot, I burst into tears. Litres of tears running down my cheek. I couldn't hide my feeling. It was like having a stabbing knife right down on the chest. It hurts so much, and it still hurt. It was like only yesterday that she was actively online via the Internet, posting how awesome the firework at Genting Highlands was. Knowing that hours later after that post, she was been called to go for eternal, was hard to be accepted. Very hard. I cried and cried outside my apartment at Puncak Alam, just wishing to come home, and be by her side. If only I could reach to Kajang that very night, and be by her side.....and how I wish I were there when she was sick, just be with her for the last time....I wished for many things, but Allah has it all written. HE loves her more, and it is her fate to go at such a young age. As for that, I have to be patient, and just move on....

Chiam Win Nee...was the friend that everyone could have wish for. We did so many things together for the 5 years at high school. She was like my guardian at most of the times. SMK Kajang Utama witnessed a lot of events that Chiam and I did together. We were classmates from form 1 till form 5. She was smart, very funny, hardworking, helpful, and she is always patient. I still remember the days when we played badminton together every weekends. She would waited for me at the bus stop, and I was always late, but she didn't even got angry with that. I still remember the days when we were always in a team when it comes to representing the school for intraschool competitions. Sometimes we won and we lost, but the joy came from the moment when we shared a lot of things together. We struggled together for every test and we were capable of getting the top spot at school. 

There are just so many memoirs of her that I have. How we struggle to make PBSM's marching team looks good last year couldn't be vanished. We always fight to do the best for the last year of high school last year. We always sat next to each other, she sat with me in all classes. We did presentations together, we sometimes walk to school together and went home together. I missed all those moments so much. I just can't imagine that the time we went to school for our hari kecemerlangan was the last time I had with her at that school. It was the last time I managed to see her throughout.Every time I viewed the pictures that I have with her, she appeared inside my mind. Last night while doing maths for the test, suddenly I reminisced how good she was at mathematics and so again I cried. She was the best in sudoku and every thing that got to do with numbers, which actually make our bond stronger. Now, SHE HAD GONE FOR EVER. T.T

During graduation last year: In memories, Chiam Win Nee. May your soul rest in peace darling. Go with grace,I will always love you.

I regret for not using the time I had wisely to spend with my best friend, at least for a stroll, at least for another badminton game at the quarters down the neighborhood. I also regret for not taking those opportunities in the past, to chat with her, to play online game with her like we always did or even to just be with her. Only if I know what have been stated, only if I know my best friend would die, I would just leave everything and attend her amendments. I now terribly miss her smiles, her jokes, all her passion for badminton and just everything about her. She was precious, and her lost was a such an enormous mourn for all of us who knew her. If she could see me, I want her to know that I miss her, and wanting her to come back. I want her to know that I am grateful to God for having her during high school years. She craved a lot of good memories for me, and I would like to thank her greatly for that. And as for this, bye Chiam my dear. You are always a good friend, I would always be by your side wherever you are. I will always remember you till the day the time for me to go like you comes.

>>>semalaman kukenangkan dirimu, mengalir air mataku membasahi pipi....tidakku duga ini semua terjadi....perpisahan antara kita<<<<

Smile and Serenity

This whole week was awesomely tiring, due to the non-stop assignments and tutorials, and heavy topic of lectures. Final exam for semester one is looming, which will be held soon after our two weeks Eid holidays. I can't wait to finish the semester, and the next semester. Being an asasian, to be frank, is not significantly different that those in matriculation. For young readers, who will be sitting for SPM, grave it in mind, that, whether you choose asasi or matriculation after you complete your high school, it is still the same. Same work loads and same intense.

Physics is again mentioned in this blog. Why? Because it is a very good subject to be bragged about. The lecturer is forever hilarious, and the topics we learn are getting harder every day. The book is heavy and sometimes the more we refer to the book, the harder the subject be. Seriously, I will tear the book up into subtopics, so that it will be easier to bring along.

Bahjah Abdul Basir, a girl I know here, suddenly left UiTM for good. She is going to do medicine in Egypt under self-sponsorship. I will miss her badly, as how I missed other precious friends who left. She's funny and just know how to cheer up a day. On last Wednesday, she bid us farewell and she cried and we cried too! It is such a terrible lost, and I definitely hate it. Ah!

Friends from President College had their job done with foundation in science. Terrific! They are going to bid me Bon Voyage in a couple of months, to do medicine in Russia. I can't say anything rather than smile, waving them goodbye, glad that they completed it. Zaki is the luckiest person, who got the sponsorship from MARA even though he did the foundation himself. Congratulation Zaki, and a wise person shouldn't be disheartened for others' triumph. Now, I just could smile seeing his victory. 

When others might be as by far much more luckier than I am, and I am still here fighting among these ants of people to get a good spot, nothing more can I do except for study hard and work smarter. Mathematics are becoming annoying each day, after knowing that there won't be any formulas given during the exam, thus the brain needs to be upgraded. Huh! Dr Izyani whom gave a talk on Woman Dwi Kerjaya  this afternoon, said, the best time to be just for yourself is during your study period, during these college years, where you can train how to be a good manager in every aspect of your life. Once you are an adult, a matured woman, you will get married, working not as what you chose as a career, but at the same time, working as a housewife, a mother and not to mention a wife. "You must be capable of multitasking", said she who I can regard as a role model. She is a pHD graduate, in pharmaceutical field and won many awards for her research. I want to be like her one day, amin:)

I lost my best gf, my tears almost drop, but I keep them for another day...

Friday

-I am sadly to announce that today, I lost another best girlfriend of mine, namely Mimi. What can I said about her is that, she is just adorable, cute, nice, and girlish. She had enlighten my day since the day I had been thrown away by some people.

-I firstly thought she was joking on the news that she will be moving to KL, but it was not. Now, she had left me alone, the only malay-female prefect in class. Pretty lonely now, as I will not have any companion to mingle with me with the latest fashion in town, the synopsis on gossip girl, ugly betty, and desperate housewives. Ah, I will miss her thoroughly...

-The bad thing is that, from now on, I will be having recess time alone. Going to the prefects meeting alone and many things have to be done by myself. Thanks god, Chiam is here. Her jokes will always be on my mind, our gossip on how arvind likes to touch boy's hands will be just a memoir. Her confidence, her fantastic presentations in class and her humbleness will be encraved in heart. Bye mimi, I wish u good luck.

p/s: mimi took 13 papers in her spm