Mama

Last month, I arrived Kuala Lumpur for a week break. I really needed that break after 6 months of hurdle in clinical years. I kept whatsapp-ing mom telling how much I needed to come home. Dad usually didn't let me since it's just a 7 days off but this time I showed how I was really tired and he gave me the green light. 

I usually quite a kedekut person in spending money. While most friends who also planned for that 7 days break, bought  much cheaper flight tickets, I bought the most expensive. Suddenly, my egoistic and pride idea of not going to return to Malaysia during that 7 days break appeared to not exist. I just have this weird feeling of wanting to see mom and dad. Just wanna see their faces, how they are really doing, the house, my darling siblings. That's all it.

Probably the strongest reason that led to my return would be of that one message mom sent me 3 months before. She told me how suddenly she got some trouble with holding a pen. It became difficult for her to write and even to sign documents and papers. Her right hand felt to be so weak and it was progressive. As a soon-to-be doctor in the family, I guess mom chose to tell me first, but I preferred her to consult a real, certified doctor for that matter. 3 days later, she told me the doctor she sought just prescribed her for some vitamin B12 and calcium. And mom also told me she had attained menopause. 

I had always and will always be adoring my mother. Who wouldn't? She's pretty, fair, even at the age of 50 something, mom still looks gorgeous with her porcelain-flawless skin and a smile anyone can die for. I mean, I myself not as pretty. She's a smart, career woman and an approachable boss at her workplace. Mom is also my number one advisor; in almost anything. I even cried to her for the first time in the phone, when a boy whom I like said he just loved me as a friend and for that she said to me, nevermind, Allah has everything good for you in plan. :)

Until, that very day of 14th February, finally my flight boarded Kuala Lumpur. I tried to call my father but was rather in vain. I did received a text the night before saying he wouldn't be able to pick me up because he had something else to do. My little brother would be available. I asked him what other thing is more important than picking up his daughter from India at the airport? But he didn't reply.

And so, I hung out at KLIA2 for 1-2 hours with my friends, Lily and Kak Harisah for breakfast, happily eating, knowing this one week break would be of tension free from hospital load, colleague loads and what not. An hour later, my telephone rang. It was my brother, who had arrived by the front gate to pick me up. 

As I walked passed the arrival gate, I saw my family car, with brother sitting at the front passenger sit, and someone else was driving. My brother was with his good friend Azizi, who drove us home. In a split second, I thought brother was excessively sleepy and that's why he let Azizi instead to drive. But brother looked rather untidy, he was in pyjamas (it was 7 am), and he even brought a pillow with him; in which he cuddled it tight. I then started asking where was papa? and what was mama doing at home? 

Brother kept his silence for sometime, and so I hurriedly asked the same thing again. Only when it almost reached Country Heights, that brother spilled:

"Dena...mama kena stroke...She's in the hospital"

And he cried...I saw from behind, his eyes were red, full of tears, and he couldn't hold back and continued to cuddle the pillow so even tight. Azizi was utterly quiet. He then patted brother on his shoulder trying to give comfort. 

I was in super shocked. Literally shocked. A week before my return, mom did text me saying she had booked a hotel in Port Dickson for a short family weekend trip, she was genuinely alright and healthy....how come..that time?

I too then cried...then brother started crying even more, and said, the doctor in charged, told him that there's a bleeding, inside mom's brain and they couldn't do anything and couldn't even operate. The bleeding was located somehow in deeper brain structure. Brother continue explaining that he didn't want mama to fall sick, to be in the hospital. He even asked whether I could extend my short break for mom would only listen to my advice.

We stopped at Azizi's house to send him home. I thanked him for being such a help at our hardest time. At my brother's hardest time. Then, brother drove me home. I saw papa doing laundry, he was rather busy. As he saw me, I hold back whatever emotional turmoils I had inside. I hugged him tight and tried not to cry. But I saw him feeling relieved as I had returned, but his eyes seemed to be full of worries and tears. I told brother that I want to see mom immediately. At that moment, he drove me straight to Serdang Hospital. Mom was then accompanied by my sister.

Soon as I reached the hospital, I hurried myself to the 7th floor, with the feelings of mostly fright and shivers. Straight without much due, I reached level 7 and went to the code blue area, ward 7B. The nurse guided me to mom's bed. And there from a little far, I saw mom on bed and little sister besides her. Shishin, little sister, came hugging me with her eyes full of tears....and quickly said she wanted to do dhuha... and I went to see mom. I cried tremendously, when I kissed her hand. She remembers me! The first thing I was relieved to note at. And her mouth/lips were not deviated. Again relieved!

But I cried so hard. I hold her hand so so tight, could not let go. I let everyone around witness how sad I was...I didn't even matter. Mom talked to me, she was not talking in a slurred manner in which I was thankful for...but she was there, weak, her eyes widened, almost like exopthalmos and she was sweating profusely. In my head, I had this question is she also having hyperthyroidism? Mom asked me to sleep beside her, As I hugged her, I cried even more. She asked me am I crying because I am afraid that she may die? GOSHHHH MOM!

I spent the whole 7 days off from medschool taking care of her at the hospital. It was tough to really be tough...mom was loved by all. Many came to visit but I really feel some visit too many times that mom felt annoyed, I too felt annoyed. The most difficult part was when I helped her to take a shower. Mom felt she can stand by her own feet but she almost stumbled. I hurriedly supported her, and she said to me, why is this happening to me? As a daughter, what else could I replied...for Allah test the one he loves most...

Doctors came without failed. The neurologist team as well as the rehab team. Mom needed an MRI to see what's wrong with the brainstem. The rehab team asked us whether we wanted to put mom directly to rehab. Just one fine day, doctor told us that the bleeding inside mom's brain had subsided. We couldn't thank Allah enough. She needed rehab to strengthen her muscles especially the right hand and the lower limbs. 

To bring mom home, the doctor asked so many things, like how was our home like. Living in a double-storey house was a bit uncomfortable to moms. Thus one day, when I was having hi tea with dad, he planned to bring mom to a hotel, and make it like a hospital-hotel care; so that mom will de-stress. That somehow did not work out as family from Kedah wanted to see mom and stayed with us. We brought mom home somehow. It was hard at first, since mom had to just stay in bed upstairs, and we mostly run our activities downstairs. A bit kelam kabut I may say especially when family from Kedah came to stay for a couple of days. But they were really of good help, alhamdulillah:)

As mom now, needed to be on prolonged supply of insulin, I extended my one week break for another week as to get my family members to get use to what have to be done. It was pretty stressful as I actually, being the eldest, there were so many duties I need to do and accomplish. House chores no mention, and family members came no stop! I was in the kitchen 24/7...but it was worth it....as mom is my top priority. Just as days passed, my father and brother brought mom for morning walks...as a therapy at home. It worked amazingly as mom now can already walked but with supervision. Alhamdulillah:)

Brother who is now in his 4 months break had become another hero apart from dad. He was really really helpful. As if he's the bigger brother of mine. Mother could only sleep when he's around....so he was too in the hospital accompanying mom and I. Since, I have returned to India, he is the in charge person for mom's daily medications and her daily medical vital signs record. Doctor said the first 6 months is vital because beyond that, if mom doesn't improve, the impairment would be somehow permanent. 

Mom is still on medical leave right now, taking weekly medical certificates, which I personally believed it's a nuisance thing for mom to go to the hospital/nearby clinics just for a proof that she's unable to work yet. Mom really need emotional support, as I know how much she's a little spoiled. *manja* I too believe the intention or the feeling of wanting to return to Malaysia was a sign from Allah to let me serve for my mother. I have been rather a rebellious child. I have hurt mom so much in the past. I admitted I seldom give her a call because whatsapp is now available, if she wanted to speak to me, she can send me voice note. I always on the run saying I am busy with medschool. I somehow left her not as priority. Boo me now people!

I have seen a lot of close friends having their mothers passed. Some didn't even make it through the funeral day..since Belgaum is so far, hence we would arrived so late before anything. But this time, Allah had let me took care of mom...and I would stop medschool now if I needed to, if she really needs me. 

One day, I hugged her while everybody had gone back from visiting...she told me to return to India...she said, takkan nak jaga mama je, dena kena study... :( And here I am back to reality. Can't wait to go back, Countdown to see mama again!

Also, jazakumullah khayr for everyone who have been with me through this thorns. I am loved. I felt loved, thank you :) Some I didn't have time to reply their concern...as I really was occupied. Now mom is alright alhamdulillah:) Jazakumullah khayr again for my mom's speedy recovery in your du'as...

>>p/s: Dah besar...we are all grown ups now, And as I returned, I saw how mom has wrinkled, dad too...has wrinkled. Mom used to ask me to plug out her grey hairs, but now she won't let me. She said, it's natural, so let them be, but insisted to plug them. I hate seeing mom being old. to see dad becoming old. aging is hurt to be seen. I am worried if I can't say goodbyes...I pray that I would 'go' first ...let I be their goodbyes, dear God<<

Is it their fault?

Parents always want the best for their precious little ones. They would do anything, and undergo any tests just to make sure the fetus inside the womb is healthy and without deformities. 

Of course, no one pray to have Down Syndrome babies. This deformity can actually be detected during pregnancy, by taking some amniotic fluid through the mothers. It is a painful procedure to both baby and mother, and only bring about 80% chances to see whether the baby has Down Syndrome or vice versa. Plus, the cost is expensive as well. It costs about USD 900 for one trial. T.___T

For OBGYN doctors, it is their job before any labour or deliveries to tell their patients regarding this test, and ask whether they want it to be done. There are sometimes misunderstanding catastrophic when parents actually believed that when the test is negative on conduct, their babies won't have this syndrome. 

Thus, when this happen, guess what happen to the parents. Of course they would be plainly DISAPPOINTED. The babies they had waited long enough came out not at par to what they have expected. And, it's not easy to raise children with Down Syndrome. Only those with strength could. 

When the parents become bloody frustrated, they blame everything on doctors. They would say, that the doctors cheated and just want their money. They would go as far isas to sue the doctors. Of course, for Muslims, we must beware that, any tests invented by humans are not necessarily give 100% truthful results. Allah S.W.T is the Most Powerful, He is the only entity whom able to change everything according to HIS great knowledge. We cannot question on that.

Doctors would have to live for the blame. Even with high reputation, it would bring dirt if the doctors had made such 'mistake'-mistakenly. So, the doctors, have to bear being punched till bleed, being nagged and being insulted just because their babies are not as what they want it to be. 

Patience is doctor's greatest courage. Alertness comes hand in hand. Poor Doctors. Tough studies, tough work force, harsh patients. 

a big fight. everyone tries to stop it.

being threathen

A Dad ventilates how sad he is to know his newborn is deformed.

*from the series called Obgyn Doctors (2010) - episode 10. An amazing worth-to-watch drama*

In and Out

For the past a week, I have been craving to eat Mushroom Tempura, where the tastiest ones only could be bought from Cameron Highlands. Making them at home is possible but I despise how bitter they would taste on my tongue.....because mushroom isn't a good type of food that is easy to cook. Once the preparation method is wrong, the taste will go baldy and tasteless plus bitter.

Bought a RM1 Seri Aji's Fried Flour to make my mushroom tempura a reality. My mom who was on MC, took the job to make those even though I insisted to do and try on my own. And it came out to be super salty and a bit bitter, and still Cameron Highland's mushroom tempura are the best! ONE WORD: FAILED!

rupa agak hodoh....and ....emm

I planned on stop eating rice for some while because I don't need extra carbohydrates. They would instead be a source of fat and I am already fat as it is, so better stop for a while. During lunch, when I went hungry, my dad would be some wantan....which I think they are so delicious. 3 days been saying NO towards rice but today, an entire family came for a visit. Mom cooked rice and side dishes, so I was again mentally forced to have rice. One word: failed!

and so my lunch is these....wantan goreng, which is super sedap!

Since school I like wantan goreng....mee wantan pun sedap yumm yumm...! And because I was dieting on rice, mom brought me to a restaurant called ...

nearby the Giant Kajang...

kuewtiaw sup was awesomely delicious....I can eat up to3 bowls sebab sikit...:(

But the best eat out must be with dear friends....at McDonald...I m lovin' it :)

friends from school. huda and durrah. at McD Alamanda, after watched the 'great' Red Riding Hood much-alike-twilight ;P

Durrah said she suddenly reminisced Chiam who would always follow her to McD Kajang after their class, while they were studying for Form 6 at High School Kajang. Huda turned herself out from talking about the sad stories. Durrah looked at me and said, she used to hang out with Chiam often...since I was too busy to accompany her out. Still, the guilty remains. The guilty for not spending more time with her; I was only available for her after SPM till March during the award-ceremony and it stopped there. Plus, the guilty of not being able to attend her funeral was a great dismay.

After three days of not eating rice, at last I tumbled. I was deeply forced to have rice because my aunt from Sungai Petani came for a visit and she cooks wonderfully to arouse the feeling of hunger. The temptation I just can't resist. There go the spirit :(

My aunt said one thing to my mom regarding myself. She asked my mom why I look so depressed and sad? Well, I am sick after all, so I won't mind she saw me all gloomy, the other reason would be the worry of the future ahead me. When people asked did you get any offer? I would turned into a dull person and answer a plain NO. And that is worrying me, so it showed through my eyes. Sadly, mom couldn't see that, because she's just super busy....

.

>>>P/S: I blamed the Royal Wedding for the slowness of Internet Access. It's pathetic to run everything slow and it's tiring for waiting. And it was anticipating to watch the Royal Wedding, because I like Kate Middleton as she's so sophisticated and looks super intelligent, and hope it doesn't just from her appearance though.<<<

It Died

My kittens never got a long life. So far, as I remembered, I owned almost 12 kittens given birth by my cat named Lopek. But, the kittens, some died, some lost to nowhere, and it left with one. That very last one is special, her name was Kecik. Kecik was a distorted kitten according to my sister, since she has not grown big after months she was born. However, she was fun to play with, very active and very smart. She liked to play with my toes, and sleeping inside my shoes. Apparently, she just loved the scent of my feet. Hahaha:D

kecik and its twin once upon a time:(

Yesterday, before heading to Shah Alam, for my grandaunt's feast, she seemed fine and healthy. Running around us, and making the "pity" faces that always make me melt. She was a joy for me, when breaks come. I can play with her all the time, and pamper her as if she was a baby human. She was also unfortunate, when her own mother disowned her. Well, I guess when a cat went pregnant, she will definitely forget her old kitten, rather seeing it as her rival.

Well, when we got back at around 11 p.m, Kecik, was half conscious. She will usually started to purr, when she saw us. She mostly would walk around our feet, till we cannot even move. When we called her name, she quickly responded, but yesterday it was odd. She sat in front of our door quietly. When we approached her, she didn't purr like she always did. She looked at me, with those sad brown eyes. She didn't even move a bit. We thought she was just tired, but it didn't make any sense. She was never sleepy, she liked to be all awake and run here and there, scratching her body and play all around. Everything can be her toy. She was a super kitten that I love the most.

Until....this morning, at around 8, my dad woke me up from a beautiful sleep. He said, "Get up! Kecik is gone!". All of us, hurried down. Seeing her lying unconsciously was terrifying. Her arm was broken, maybe that was why she hid it the night before and could not move. My sister then told us, that she can see Kecik's heartbeat, but, when we checked again, it's true, it was confirmed, that she has gone forever. My dad took the hoe, and took away her ceased to be buried next to our home. It was sad. Now, when ever I would wake up again, no more purring of cuteness would be heard. No more Kecik to bother me hanging clothes outside. No more Kecik whom would jump inside my mom's car just to play with us. And no more of her to pamper and just to take care off. 

I hate to know that Kecik has gone....but that's life. Gonna get new kittens soon after Lopek gives birth. Hahaha:D But none could replace Kecik.

Between Bizzarre, Lazy and Unthinkable

Noticing that Tuesday will be the day for me to attend Physics Examination for this Semester 1, freaks me out on and off. I have this one feeling that I can answer them well, without putting too much effort and burning the midnight oil for the exam. I just do not know why since I never am really good at any of the subjects of sciences. Perhaps, the title smart as people consoled me often, shouldn't be bragged. It shouldn't be referred to me at the first place, as I am just no one, but a mere average student. I never got hundred percent for my exam paper except for modern math back at school, so as long as I haven't got that 100%, do not console me smart.

Holidays almost over for Raya time. I will be back to UiTM on Monday, after I convinced my dad that there will be no more lectures to attend. I will just need to return to UiTM to sit for my four papers, each took 3 hours to be answered. I have those sample Questions from previous semesters, I looked at them for just few minutes, and wondering if I would shiver and become anxious to complete it within the time given. Right now, what I am worried about, is Mathematics. It is such a burden to learn math here in college unlike high school. Plus, math is the only subject that is compulsory to be an A if one wants to attain a 4 flat. I somehow, underestimate my own self. For the quizzes of math I encountered all these while, my marks aren't satisfying. The lecture one day, called out my names out of many names that were listed to be drowning in mathematics, whom marks were getting lower and not improving. I sighed. The questions were not that difficult, but I just do not know why I can be so careless over them. Screwed me!

Oh yeah, at least for this 2 weeks holiday, I did accomplished something important: that is a visit to my best friend, late Chiam's house. I planned to go there with Huda and Mimi at the first place, but in the end, I went to her house, with Alya and Maizurah. Yesterday, at Huda huge and beautiful house, her parents kept telling us to at least spend some time and pay a visit. They also mention how hard is it for one to find a best friend in this world. Yes, that is true. Even though, many I met so far I can called friends, but in the end only ONE person will be engraved as the best friend of our lives. Just now, Maizurah, Alya and I went to Chiam's house, not very far from mine. Her house looked rather empty. I did not know how to call people inside, so I merely opened the gate outside without permission. We made our entry, and we saw something bizarre and scary. We saw, the television was on and there was a doll with a remote control on its lap. The doll was sitting on a chair and facing the television as if it was watching the television. Perhaps, Chiam's family put the doll that way, just to sooth their heart, and maybe that as a symbol that Chiam Win Nee never did leave them. I called out for people inside several times, but there was no sign that my voice was heard. We then looked at each other, and agreed to leave. But after that, we saw Chiam's mother in the kitchen and she saw us too. At last, the three of us, managed to see her mother who was alone at that time. She was crying when she saw us. I told her to be strong. I was rather speechless as well since not much of a chinese culture I know. We got inside, chatted a bit. But our conversation was trapped behind all the sadness that we keep down inside the heart. We left after everyone turned out to be in complete silent. We hugged her mom again, and all she could utter was, "Sorry, aunty tak tau raya camna". We smiled and made our way out.

According to her mom, Chiam stopped to have asthma at one time. But, at Genting she was rather silent about her illness. She was sick but she didn't tell. She collapsed on the day she should return to Kajang. Her brother who brought her to Genting, called the ambulance, but it was too late. Even at the hospital, my dear friend didn't get her treatment in immediate possibility. The doctor was late and everything was just too late, she died afterward, and it stopped right there. Hearing her mother's side of the story was disheartening. Raya was a bit dim without her and it will continue to be dim forever. It was just unthinkable.

my last photo with her during the awarding ceremony. I lost a friend who's smart and as the same interest as mine.

Among the bizarre-ness, laziness and unthinkable event, I need to standing still and move on while life wants me to be in its picture. First thing first that need to be completed is of course my final first sem exam. But why am I so lazy to handle anything with notes and exercises. Why am I in a sudden lose the spirit of becoming among them who could enter medical school? Why am I in a sudden feel like I could do good in the exam without proper struggling like I used to do? Why am I boastful? Why am I suddenly lost interest in Biology? Why am I suddenly feels like all I wanna do is not science but art? Why why why???

Consternation and Disappointment

I bet everyone here, especially those who did friend with me in Facebook, already know what had happened to me lately. A death occurred in a sudden, without I expecting, and yeah, who would ever expect a death? Tru Calling perhaps can, but we as in reality? Could we feel if someone important to us would die like in a minute or two? No...no one can in exact. But, I still do want to have that feeling. The feel, or the capability to save someone we love from death. Okay...I might have gone too far on this matter, sorry. I am just still in CONSTERNATION, a complete anxiety due to a sudden bad surprise. 

This afternoon, I viewed all the photos of Chiam's last journey on Earth. I saw her photo in the casket, before her body was been burnt. It made me burst into tears again. Just couldn't help it. However, no matter gallons of tears I rushed out from the tear glands, no matter how hard for me to accept her demise, it still happened. It is all history now. The moments I had with her are histories and the time we chatted, played and joking around, ended up to a permanent full stop. Life has to go on. My journey is still a long way to go InsyaAllah, but of course, Chiam always in my mind, the best friend I had. 

Thank you for all my friends who keep telling me to be strong.They, who are willing to "understand' and "support" me when I was almost tumble. I am a weak-hearted person. I ain't a strong person, as you can see from outside. I cried easily over the smallest matter and I could be crazy crying over matters as heavy as my best friend's demise.Thanks for making me strong, and thanks again for concerning over my condition, especially to their teachers from the school. They knew exactly how Chiam and I were close, were friends and companions. They knew how terrible I feel, and thanks for making me stand up again. :)

Now, I need to run over all the things that I need to complete. Studying and revising for the semester's final examination is the first thing I need to work out for. But, before that, I need to just be alive for this year soon-to-end Ramadan and upcoming Aidilfitri. It will another fun event, even though my niece Khayra won't be around in Klang. Tomorrow, I hope the plan to break fasting at Seremban with dear Presco mates will turn out alright. I miss them so much, and it will be fine, I pray. 

Oh. Seriously, asthma is freaking me out! I really hope my brother could heal by tomorrow. He was asthmatic, and I hope it doesn't return. I am just so worried about him since he looked tired and so weak during our meal just now. I hate to see my eccentric brother weak. I need him to be strong and manly as well as chicky like he always do. 

Alas, I hope days will turn out well. I hope I can forget the past easily and make them as memoirs as in chapters of my life. Life is never meant to be perfect, but it was meant to be beautifully imperfect. I learn one thing: Do Appreciate People around you. Once one of them is gone, you will finally realise, how regret you are for not appreciating him or her. Love is all the world need to keep on unite. Good night. Assalamualaikum.

I have life, life just booing me

Life now means study. Gosh, how I hate this word which start with an S.

Life is not about korean movies, korean actors or actress, not about Wondergirls, Girls Generation and anything about korean. I lost interest in them.

Life is all about being a better person in order to ought the best place by Allah's side. We originated from HIM and we shall return to HIM on one fine day.

Life is all about being good, and preventing ourselves from being bad.

Life is forever about patience, patience in dealing with events that are somehow or rather might be tests from ALLAH.

Life is all about being in love. In love with ourselves, in love with friends around us, with the scenes surrounds us, so that the day glows and bring smiles on the faces.

Life is great and rewarding if people keen on giving rather than asking for things. Sharing is caring, and caring is loving.

Life is rejoicing to the fullest when we can do what we like and desire. To have a career that we have passion for, and to have activities that we enjoy at doing, bring an enormous effect on our souls.

Life is not because to eat, but keep on surviving until the Death comes and pull you away. That's why life has to be filled with compulsory preparation so that when Death comes, there's no feeling of guilt and sadness.