Pergi

Stepping into this age, the 2nd decade of life brings the utmost unexpected events in life. One will start to notice life needs more 'self-exploratory' rather than being spoon-fed. One will also start to notice some people landed in their life to either become part of their lives or just for the sake of 'learning process'. Life would become more eventful as well; for example, college life, dating, some friends getting engaged, some friends you know start changing towards the better, YOU start to change, YOU start finding the true meaning of life and of course some of us might as well experience death.

Trust me, if I can tell my old self who is a 10 year old now, I would tell her how hard it is to be an adult. But among these hardship; there's relief. There's happiness. There's solution. All we need to do is to have that guts to overcome it. To swim across the ocean. But yes, we need to learn how to swim. To KNOW how to swim. 

When there's life, there's certainly death. And after death we are actually still on our way towards the final destination: either hell fire or Jannah (the Paradise). I have been observing that nowadays, in this era, in MY era, people aged alike me will either get married or they die. Dying early and getting married early. Which do I want if I were to be questioned? Maybe death. 

Not that I want to commit suicide but to think of it, death is not that simple. People said if we die during our youth during the time we are pursuing our studies, it is considered as Jihad. But what if along the college life, all I ever did was to study? Was to prioritize my grades more that towards my faith towards Allah? Would my death be that of the death that I wish I would have? Even towards death itself, we must bring meaning to it. 

For the past few years, few days, I've heard my friends lost their mom, some lost their dad to tragic diseases. Can you imagine, you are in the midst of becoming a doctor, of course, you are dreaming high so that one day, perhaps, you as a doctor could help to treat your parents; but Allah Al Mighty has greater plans for you; He gave you a test; He took away the one you love; your mom your dad. How would that make you feel? 

At this age, I've observed, that it's a vital sort of strength that we need deep inside, to have the power to let go. Letting go of things, of these nikmat Allah has been pouring or gifted us, in this mortal world. Even for myself, at this age, at 21, being the eldest in the family, I could confessed, that my greatest fear is to lose my parents. I can't imagine how would my life would be without them. Without them who love and had cared for me for all these while. The feeling cause my heart to ache. I need to have that power of faith as the Sahabah, Abu Bakar As Siddiq. He who donated whole heartedly his fortune and wealth for the sake of dakwah, and when being questioned by Prophet s.a.w, what would happen or what will he leave behind for his family; he immediately answer: It is enough for my family that they have you, ya Rasulullah s.a.w and Allah S.W.T. My heart aches more to hear this. How could I have such strong faith and belief as Abu Bakar As Siddiq?

Two days ago, my colleague, had to return immediately as her father was on his death bed, a day after he passed away. A friend I know a couple of months ago who had her father warded for cancer, and who all these while have posted happy moments photos of her father with her, already lost him a month ago. Very big lost to them. And when I read one of tweet from this friend saying:

"For the last 21 years, you, Dad, came here to register my name. But today, my dear Dad, I registered your death" 

This made me burst into tears. Like how would I feel or even react if the same thing happen to me? 

Hence, letting go, letting an entity to just leave is something most of us has to learn to accept. And accept it with an opened heart. People would eventually die. You, Me, Us.  

Silence

My expertise is by being silent. Stay silent as a mouse. I still remember one fine day, I visited my beloved Mak Teh who was admitted in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang. It was before I even came to India for studying purpose. 

Mak Teh was at a chronic stage of Diabetes Mellitus. She refused to take her medications on the exact schedule and I was really worried, I mean still am. I miss the strong Mak Teh. Who could drive us (my siblings, cousins and all her nieces and nephews) for a trip to Kuala Lumpur or to the beach. But of course, now she couldn't do all that. The last time she drove me was to my college in Puncak Alam, during asasi years, together with my friends. We stayed at her house overnight just because to attend our grand gala. She stopped by at one stall (my Makcu's stall) which was selling Cakoi. 

Oh..those time! I surely miss. While visiting my Mak Teh, I was really sad seeing her all weak. Even now, I thank God that she's still alive. But seeing her with her edematous lower extremities hurts me to bits and pieces. She couldn't walk properly and often seeing tired. That day at the hospital, mom told her I got my place for medicine. But she rather looks unhappy and asked: "How can you be a doctor? You can't even speak to people?"

Oh yes. Even in the family, I am not the kind of person who speaks. Who sings or who dances. Timid as I am, I tried to show the other side of me in university, in college, because I believe this is the place where I could be what I want to be. I was wrong.

I was completely wrong because for Godsake, I don't even know the basic style how to talk. Yes, talking to people (of course, not to a wall that is), I seriously do not master the art of talking to people. I hit my target badly and unsuccessfully. I spoke out my ideas in a wrong turn, that sometimes, my frankness kills me. Because to talk, not only confidence that matters, but style as well. Style determines whether we could successfully hit our target audiences. I surely do not have that.

For third year, I suddenly realize I not only do not have the style to talk, but I also lose my confidence to go in front and voice out my ideas. I simply do not think this is the consequence for a month plus hiatus from college but I myself develop some kind of fear. Fear for being banned, fear for what people thinks. Many kinds of fear. And for this fear, I feel is rather not fun to stay here anymore. 

My truthfulness, my frankness also fired me back because I accidentally hurt a one elderly's heart. I didn't realized until one day I ventilated how that elderly was wrong to me, that I be frank with her. I was completely wrong. I hit the wrong target. I didn't use my soft skill, because yes, I do not have strong solid soft skill. I never will. 

Even to some friends, I always talk to, I feel insecure. Until I don't find the solution, that I decided to remain silent. Silent is gold like old saying goes, so yeah perhaps this is better. To keep quite. 

Flowing Water

As the smooth river flows, without halt, till Allah Taala says so, due to drought; did we see the resemblance that we could follow with the flowing river water?

Istiqomah. Another Arabic word I started learning after I joined tarbiyyah. Simply means, continuity in doing our deeds for the deen. Seems easy? Nope it's not.

Being a woman, as for me, I tend to have the phase where I feel very lazy to do my ibadah, and that reckons me that my period of the month will come any minute. But soon after a week of 'break', after the crying of the uterus, suddenly the phase of rejuvenation comes in twine.

You see, our weak hearts are getting weakened by so many forces. By human forces, by environmental forces as well as physiological forces. We thus really in need of Allah, of his mighty words to keep us stand still, stand rigid. If this doesn't happen, guess what will happen? We might dwell with excessive unnecessary thoughts on loneliness, on boredom. But life never is lonely. We have Allah. And the Holy Book, The Quran. But the thing is do we really realize of this?

One method that I found that we should practice is to read, scan, and skim the Quran at least once a day. Come on! If some of us can actually take a big thick novel to read in just a day, why don't we take reading Quran as a habit? Every time after each of our daily five-times prayer? And every good did needs an initiation. Within ourselves, all we have to do, is to push. Set our negative thinking aside and just started doing. Once you gain momentum, voi'la it's becoming easier inshaAllah:)

Istiqomah in waking up early. Also one of my mujahadah. There are so many things we can do once we wake up as early birds. You would able to perform your obligation, the Subuh prayer. You could also wake up for tahajjud if you woke up earlier, you can then strengthening your physique by going to the gym, you can do your laundry, you can cook breakfast, you can perform your dhuha prayer....gosh, the list of things we can do once we wake up early is just endless. I often have hard time waking up early. After subuh, I return to dreamland because the bed is so much a distraction. But after waking up, the feeling of regret is just so big that it halted me to do things I feel I wanna do. At least, nowadays, paying for gym had made me easier to wake up early. At least. This also needs istiqomah. May Allah help me!

A senior has been living and sleeping with me during her study week recently. She saw me burning the midnight oil but still can still wake up early. So she asked me the tip. I told her this: JUST WAKE UP! One day I watched this video from Saudi Arabia in youtube, showing how the shaithon who is beside us, will whisper not to wake up for Fajr Prayer. Wow. That video is really freaking me out hahaha! So just wake up once your alarm rings. Just fight the bad whisperer! But right now I am again facing the problem. Wonder why so tired lately though :(

Istiqomah in becoming the 'superdaie', becoming the one who can bring Islam to another level, in other words the Muslims who give momentum to dakwah is harder. Because to start dakwah, we are doing it in troops, in a group. We need a whole set of togetherness, we need to really understand the concept of ukhwah, being good to each other who are in the same path as us, but as time goes by; it's hard to be husnozon. Husnuzon, means to ONLY think the best of others. What they do, what they say; you must think of no evil. Even if you do, you must then istighfar. But trust me, we are humans, and we do prejudice. We make assumptions, and to be a good daie' is how far you can resist those evil whispers. I am trying hard. So just keep praying that we all can resist the nastiness of the worldly evils. 

And just today, in a session of usrah, the leader of my group was feeling a bit down. Because one of our member who already knew we had a sitting session; went for a movie instead. Peer pressure that is. But then, who to be blamed? I mean we are now adults. We can think what best for us. But my leader (naqibah) kept thinking that because our usrah is a bore that made another member feels it's okay to skip the sitting for a movie. It was a stern long hour of discussion. I hate stern discussion but it feels sad, when our own naqibah is starting to becoming disheartened. It's so hard when every body just loses their momentum. But what should we do now? What should I do? 

Being in another level; whereby we wanna get closer to Allah. To becoming HIS agent for dakwah is certainly not a mere task. It needs perseverance and a lot of patience. We lack of these. Also, we lack of the sense of Ukhwah; togetherness. We judge a lot. We judge if someone prefer to not go for a sitting once, that her heart might has mislead. Or she might have gone wrong somewhere in her mind. We lack of Husnuzon; thinking of just the best of others. And we tend to only treat our other sisters who are in the dakwah path good, but when one of them do not want to join; we tend to treat her like a stranger. And what is this??? I am seeing all these. Plus, we lack the sense of humanity when we speak. We aren't cautious enough while we speak. We hurt others without we realize. 

We go for daurah/long journey of sisters meeting without telling others the purpose; we put exclamation on their heads rather than telling our true intention. We are basically making Islam a very hard religion. A very complex part of life. Somehow this is really what I see these days. Somehow or rather this is why; we lack of attraction as sisters/brothers in Islam in portraying the best Islamic view towards our peers, towards people around us. We lack of that virtue. Now reflect. Before giving others words of tarbiyah; set our mind, am I good enough to preach? Am I good enough for people to really understand Islam through me? If people see me, would they say that I am a good Muslim? Play people's hearts are best with characters. But yet; we keep thinking what we did are good enough. The answer is always a NO. In dakwah, there's never good enough. Because it's never as easy. 

>>p/s: Before blaming others for not understand, for not understanding our so called 'Priority for the Deen'; lets together reflect the mistakes we had made and thoroughly correcting them. Wallahualam<<

To make or not to bake

I really fond of baking. And 99.9% of you must be superbly annoying reading this, about a girl who wanna talk about her cooking experience. Come on! Stop this trend already! Where girls post "Hey look guys! I bake muffins today. They got blueberry jam in them"

I am getting tired of this technology era. Where we are more fond to tell people what we are doing. I don't mind the act of sharing ideas, sharing opinions and perspective. But telling everyone what you are wearing today for an instance is such a loser attempt. Sorry if you feel that I am talking to you. Truth is, I am pointing this to myself.

Perhaps, if we reduce some time telling most of the people we don't even have connection in real life, about where did we go; like in 4square; or telling what we eat and post a picture in Instagram; we could actually do something more useful. Like cleaning up the house, doing the laundry, composing a nice short story, take your cat for a shower hahaha. Sort of things. As for me, if I could just been away from all those eagerness to be open to public, I could have finish reading all my topic for Fracture in Orthopaedic block. 

And now, I am really confuse whether to bake a cake or make a caramel pudding. My naqibah's birthday, and I didn't even wish her. Cooking is the only means; since love always start from the tummy and love is the special ingredient to all food. Thus, in my conclusion, I'd say; if you are too shy to convey love through words or gestures. Send them through food. 

>>P/S: technology is already smart enough in making people more stupid to make even small decision by themselves. And people often forget that 99.9% of people they interact with on the line, don't even care for them. Even I am too stupid to fall into that category. <<

Ujian

hai semua, pe khabar? sihat? 

betul bila orang cakap, when we wake up early, rezeki itu lebih berkat. for the first time, since study week yang 2 minggu, my roommate and I woke early. Woke up early means we didn't return to dream land after subuh prayer. 

All these while, procrastination is all there is. Bangun lambat dengan dalih dan alasan semalam dah tidur lambat, study till 1 am (baq ang!) . Hanya Allah sahaja tahu betapa banyak dan berkatnya study sampai 1 pagi. Hmm

Anyhow, this morning, after reciting Al Kahf and Al Mathurat, I straight away prepare the ingredient for my morning breakfast. Ate 2 bananas and a cup of hot milo, as a pre breakfast meal. I was very hungry as you can see. Took my hot shower, do my Dhuha and straight away to the kitchen and chopping and cooking. 

It was just a plain fried rice but it was so nice, and now everything is finished. Sebutir beras pun takdak! Nikmat kan makan makanan yang sedikit:) My roommate promised to make nasi lemak for dinner. Can't wait! Hungry already now!

Then what else to do, then to study. Just two days left actually. I don't actually know how much did I complete revising all the 4 blocks. They were all big blocks and to be covered wholly in 2 freaking weeks, God knows how hard it is. 

Year 2 is freaking hard and so frustrating yet so interesting. The year where I learn a lot about disease but then again the previous first year's topic of physiology and embrylogy are again being touched and emphasized. My concern is with all papers now. MCQ, SEQ, OSPE etc. Seeing End block result can already make me faint. Now hoping for goodness for my selanjar 1. 

My seniors, mostly failed last year. Prof KJ was furious. I just pray that my batch won't be repeating that disaster. Amin. But the goodness is in the hands of the Al Mighty. Pray hard now. Not much time to do all the readings. May all that we learn be returned to us. For all these knowledge is Allah's belongings. No way we can know it all. 

Photos, or diaphragms of histopathology are making me insane. All I see is the same either it be laden macrophage, giant cells, langhan cells. Just need to practise more on how to become a visual learner. Even though visual learners are usually been gifted with that capability. All the best to me, to my friends here and at USMKK. 

It was alright. It is not the first OSCE I have done but it is just jammed between two other exams so it was stressful. Take deep breaths. Practice before hand. Especially verbalizing your actions. This is stuff you have done before. Just do that and you'll be okay. -Tom of the Medical State of Mind

ONE WORD: TAKUT.

FINN

Aidilfitri and letting go

Salam aidilfitri, to all dear readers. Yes, it's Eid Mubarak already and it feels so soon for Ramadhan to leave us. Surely, every one will have their own nostalgic moment of both Ramadhan and Eid. I can say that Ramadhan is better to be remembered. This year alone, I had got the chance to feel the loneliness of celebrating Ramadhan a far from home, from family. Definitely, ifthor without mom and dad seems different.

Also, this year alone, it feels different when I have to rush things off just to have some time to see my expanded family because of time constraint. Only now that I realize time is so precious, because you know that you are getting older and the older you become, the possibility for you to have the same moment with the family members declines. Yes people, it is a negative thought, but we can't never stop Allah's power and Allah's knowledge. 

About a few months ago, some friends from asasi did have this idea to see each other, to have ifthor together. Well, I can say that I am very much disappointed because many of them didn't say anything during this ramadhan, keeping silent as a mouse and just missing in action. Perhaps, something happened to them that they no longer want to cherish the friendship. I can't understand, but I am learning to understand and let go.

Plus, tomorrow it's Eid. I want to see mak teh's face as much as I could. She who is my favourite aunt, is sick and doesn't seem to be better. Her diabetes is worsen. She did say, perhaps the next time I return, she might no longer be here with us. Which is sad, but then again, I have to learn to let go. And let her go, if that is what it meant to be.

And I only have like 4 days for syawal and then I am off straight to attend the PPSL thingy at USM. I like everyone feel bad of going because holidays become shorter that way; but sometimes we need changes to the way we spend our holidays. Just wanting to brush up some social skills that I am lacking, and that's why I am attending a camp in Penang from 25th till 29th of August and then another 4 days in USM Kubang Kerian till 5th September. Did I mention my date of returning to India is on the 9th of September? Yeahhh...so it's a short holiday.

Perhaps, this holiday, I can't fulfill my wish to see dear teachers, classmates from school and Puncak Alam that I miss dearly; thus I hope it won't be like this for my next return. Only that it is so sad that when Eid approaches, the date for me to be apart from my family is getting nearer. *Bursting into tears, womanly tears*

>>p/s: I am not yet a doctor yet people in the family keep calling me doctor. I pray their words are du'a so that the dream can be accomplished. Together with that, it is a sacrifice in a matter of time; lesser time with the family. And there's always a need to sacrifice to be successful. Hope people don't jot me as over ambitious>>

Inferior Knockdown

Assalamualaikum again.

I just wanna tell you how sad it is when a frequent blog you used to stalk upon to is now no longer available. I don't know whether it has been hacked or the author has completely loosing his mind by deleting all those wonderful stuff he made me linger to, but yeah, it's sad for me. 

Pascaspm.com is the blog I am blabbering about. It's a nice random blog from a medical student in Moscow. He has this talent in humor and he made my day often, just by posting something which I can quickly interpret the message but at the same time hilarious. I love reading his travelogue parts whereby he visited many European spots that I drool to go and see. He called his tour group (with a bunch of his friends) as Power Rangers. I mean, I can't just write about how funny the blog is but it's surely the best blog I've subscribed to. And when it's no longer on the net, it's like someone important in your life is suddenly missing.

I am exaggerating. Sorry.

Well, just these past few days (already turn to weeks) have been completely lonely. I used to online everyday, after class ends because to skype with my parents. I don't even have that clique where I go online desperately because of him or her, just to skype, chat or whatever. I just never had. Not to mention, cousins.

Family members are still in the Holy City performing their Umrah. It's a disappointment that I wasn't able to join. But, truth is, I am sacrificing myself to stay here and study for the sake of Ummah. Yes, I want to be a doctor who can contribute a lot of things to the Ummah, the society, the family and the list goes on. Of course, being a medical doctor one day, would let you make you feel like you're some kind of a superhero, but that is just far still far ahead of me.

Most of the friends I have on skype aren't that happening to skype with. I mean, I rarely talk to them in persons, so how should I expect they would react when it come to skype? I mean we don't have anything to talk about anyway, so why bother. Even the closest friends during asasi, are now completely occupied with their own business, so how am I gonna expect they would come online just to talk to the things that we aren't engulf together? It's bizarre.

3 hours difference in time zone has always been a barrier, no matter how fast your Internet is. My mom would go to sleep by 10 pm while it's still around 7 pm here in India. And during that time, I might be busy performing solat or just came back from class. My mom won't stay that long just to see me in skype as she is a pretty busy working career woman, so she needs her sleep at her prior, even how much she must be missing me.

The time barrier is also a hindrance between some of friends who upon miracle have this intention to chat with me and ask me something. By the time I online they would say, they almost went to sleep. So yeah, nothing works in distance relationship as for me. * AGAIN EXAGGERATING*

I also have a circle of friends that we called Bulatan Gembira. It's an Usrah formed group that I suddenly joined without intention to. I never joined one and this is my first. I would say I still have this difficulties to get to cling to the usrah mates even though they are nice and they are part of my friends. Maybe because we rarely are together. Or maybe because I am just a new part of them. It's hard trying to get into some group of people who already have some bond among each other. 

One day, kakak Usrah, told us not to only see Usrah as Usrah. Whenever problem rises in your head, quickly go see any one of them, and share. But I am the one who easily write my problem here (hoping you on the other side could see/read) rather than go to random people who you rarely talk, and suddenly ventilates all the problems arising from your head to that people. And when she asked, what did you get from Usrah, I would frankly say sometimes, yes, I get nothing. The messages sometimes still quite blurred.

Also, it is an inferior when there's someone who wanna take over your place at something. People opted me for becoming their outspoke person is because of some reasons and thank you to them for believing in me. When there's someone better that you see taking over your job without realising that you're pissed that's something that really made me hit by an avalanche. Maybe because I give less said my heart. The girls here take each other's hearts by baking and cooking to each other. Not that, I don't like that method of approaching people, but I am a slow cooker. Not as pro as them, and might as well spend drench five hours just to cook 3 dishes. T.T

Naqib (a friend), once said I have turned into such an emotional person after coming here. I can sense that too. I am not cheerful either. The mood fluctuates often. But I really opt to see other things that would made me occupied rather than reading all the books and devote my life to them and see the same people I see day by day. I need a new quest. A new friend maybe. 

So, that's all the random blabbering. It's actually a stress when you can't even answer the easiest topic of respiratory block in the test. And also, not to be able to impress and help a bunch of discussion group on a topic you think you've completely understood. I am failing.

Dr Raichur

Assalamualaikum readers:)

{I am actually in the mode where it's hard to concentrate to type peacefully because my feet is itching because they got bitten by some annoying ants that always invade my territory-the desk}

Anyhow, like I promise, I would write about the person named - Dr Raichur, so I am here.

Dr Raichur is a physiologist, an Indian of course, our physiology lecturer cum the director for the Phase 1 of USMKLE. 

For the passed three blocks that came up for Selanjar 2, he dealt with our lessons on physiology almost every day. And every day, we would crossed by his long 100++ slides of powerpoints per topic. It must be crazy for someone to prepare almost 100++ powerpoint slides for us, but that's what he as a lecturer wanna do to make sure we understand his topic to the max.

Unfortunately for him to have some students like me, whom looked quite attentive in class but the truth is the opposite. {I just wish I could change to the better, though}. So, in class I would say his lectures were amazing. He did his best to make us get thorough the important topics but em maybe it is my fault that when I tried to revise the lecture, everything seems so complicated.

Of course, to read books during study week is a moron-thing to do now. You cannot actually go back and refer to the text books at peak periods when it is just another 3 days before an examination. Books will let you sway and stray. It is better to read or refer to books one night before the lecture starts. And I will start that InsyaAllah, after many studying strategies failed.

Back to the topic, Dr Raichur has always advised us tor read before the lectures, but it's so hard for me. I don't even know what's happening at night. I maybe have zero stamina to stay focus. I hate to complaint on things like the curfew which is 9 pm for girls that deters us from attending the library for some peace. I don't wanna complaint my enthuasiasm for the Internet, but I lack the power already. At one spot, you will feel bored. Maybe because of homesickness? Yes perhaps.

One fine night, a friend told me that the next day's Small Group Discussion will be with Dr Raichur. My group was so terrified. We had like 29 questions to do in one and a half day. Heck not we can finish them all!. So a friend named Afiq quickly called me for the first time, asking me to divide the questions and asked me to be the leader. To be a leader is always a no prob for me, but to divide the questions when tomorrow is already the day for SGD, that's crazy.

I told Afiq that Dr Raichur was in charged the next day. He didn't wanna come at first but I insisted that he comes. (He is one of the hardworking boys in my group thats why). So yeah he did. We were all frightened like heck since Dr Raichur is very strict, very bold and very perfectionist.

One day, in his lecture, it was almost 6 pm, and my friend looked at her watch. My friend was scared that the lecture might end late since she had not perform her Asar prayers. When Dr Raichur saw this, he quickly sounded my dear friend, and asked why she looked at her watch in a stern voice. He told us that he doesn't like when students see the watch or the clock, as it disturbs him by telling we are in rush for something other than his lecture. Gulp.

I once did laughed in front of his lecture because of my friend's joke. He saw me, and asked me what's so funny. I said nothing about three times, and almost quarrell with him over that small matter. Even joking and laughing a little is a mistake in his class. T.T

Back to SGD, many of the group members didnt show up. I wonder why eh? And the questions that I already divided among my friends were taken for granted. He will be the one who will decide who gonna answer the question, meanwhile everybody was so scared since we didn't prepared for ALL the questions. :O

When it came to me explaining the AP graph of cardiac muscle, he always looked in doubt. He mentioned how bad my graph was, and it wasn't systematic. He would give a zero mark for it if I were to sketch that in my exam. He is very perfectionist and very detailed person. Sigh....at last Afiq was the one who helped me with it. 

Everything was in a strict manner that day. A very stern SGD for sure. But I do have some proposal I wanna make for USM's way of having these SGD and all. I would post them later. 

Doctors must be perfectionist in his work. Work to the detail parts of everything. Only then, you can be a versatile doctor.

Looks like no more slumberland for me.....