"Apa tarbiyah dayana ye?""Dayana, nak share?""Dayana, iman macam mana hari ni?"
For some reason, before I return to Belgaum for my third year; I had set this goal to grab every opportunities that come knocking at my door. Grab that and just do it! . I was so eager to come back. To return to my usrah mates and all. But guess what I did mentioned when reaching Bangalore airport? I said to my friends, I can't wait to return to Malaysia again T.T
I remember how I first joined all this usrah sitting was in my first year. Someone, anonymously pasted a note on my door asking me to join a sitting in someone else's room. It was my dear friend Mer's room. I was perplexed and almost follow Fariyal's sitting or picnic. Hahaha. Then I realized, I got 'selected'. Got selected to Ohana :)
Those were the times, we were all bunch of innocent 'little girls'. Who know nothing more except coming to India to study, become a doctor yada yada yada. Things were mostly just approaching 'Wahan; a love towards dunya. Until at one point, every usrah mates you had in your sitting, start to change bit by bit. You know you are stepping ahead towards something more 'secured' than anything you could ever had wish upon for. Towards better-ment. Towards something eternal happiness.
My friend D, whom I met in Premed UiTM, who also almost became my roommate; was among my usrahmates who had go so far in this 'Path' towards becoming a better muslimah. I just couldn't describe in words of how she has changed but all I know is yes, she has changed, 180 degree. I somewhat do not recognize her anymore. It's a miracle how the deen can immediately change her. Her personality, her actions, words uttered out from her mouth. SubhanALLAH!
Then, now that is she is happily married (at my age), it simply shows how beautiful Allah is taking care of her, protecting her. Not only that, I also kind of envy for the fact that my friend D is spreading happiness and goodness of tarbiyah in everyone. Of course, not everyone is being gifted with such capabilities. Everything goes just too fast for D. But I am happy for her !
Again, recently a new friend, Amirah Lina, shared this verse 57:16 from the Quran.
Has the time not come, for you Dayana? As if Allah asked me this on my face. It hurts. After almost three years, have I not yet realized? That there is better things to chase for. There are better things that I should hold on to? Because I've felt the pain, the staggering pain when chasing for something not even close to security. Not even an ant size close. It's hurting waiting for love which is not even true. Yet, I still hold on to some sort of false promises. How weak.
It has been almost a month for third year I am here. I've updating in twittah how clueless my life is. Suddenly, those spirit to start searching and those awakening boost I've set before I came back here all gone. Well, can't blame CFCS though. But seriously, I was in my calamity of thoughts. I was between "Yes I can do this!" and "What if what if I lost"
Truth is, what my previous Naqibah said is true. Joining some sort of Qudwah Hasannah is indeed a hard thing to do. But once you have step into and out of that journey; your heart will bloom with flowers. I want to feel that flowers. I want to have those flowery moments and thoughts with all these sisters who are in the same path with me. But I guess, I just need to try a little bit harder.
Then came another video sharing. Remember Salahuddin Al Ayubbi; one of the greatest leader and king that ever lived. Who opened Palestine? He was so great that even then everyone loved him. Even the non believers. And when he died, everyone mourned so bad. Until today, there are no leaders or kings as great as him. Those who went to his tomb and grave, even cried and 'pray' so that Salahuddin would wake up and save Palestine, Syria, Iraq and all. How irony? Now that the lives are asking a favor from someone who had deceased? How irony. How weak. How pathetic!
What are we now really? I see myself as such a supine-spineless person. Who even to join a sitting for usrah is still hard for me to say OK directly. What am I? What are we? Where are we heading to?
So yes people. We all need reminders. Let them be youtube videos (Please make full use of youtube, do more lah! ), let them be your friends, like myself, I envy over my roommates who is not also holding a high position in students association here but also a daie and let them be the Quran itself.
Aidan, a dear friend, hit me hard on my head. "Please don't be a spoil brat people!" She said recently. True, friends are there, to remind you of your Tarbiyah Dzatiyah (Tarbiyah when we are alone) and Tarbiyah Jamaiee (Tarbiyah when we are together). Yes! I agreed on the fact that I am spoiled. All I did was getting spoon-fed. I was not doing all the things for Allah. I put Allah on the second or third priority. I put 'friends' as my first. How would the others see me if I didn't do certain things? Maybe if I start joining them for all these Islamic lectures, I'll be part of them. Those were my thoughts. Just so wrong to think back.
I know Islam is not about uniformity, but unity. Yet, I am still found it hard so hard soo soo hard to start, and build that UNITY among these wonderful sisters here. And if the unity is not what I yet to feel or to 'get', how would I spread dakwah?
Just do it ! That's the perfect answer for now.
>> If you love someone, stop giving false hopes. <<