I frankly took this from Dr Zoul's blog. And this is what I want to be exactly. Professional in the eyes of my patients and society, but at home I will live in a wrecked-ship.
To say that I am certainly ready for all the outcomes, and the consequences, it would be all lies. You see, once you are entitled with medical school, your life would be different, no matter how your brain makes you think you are the same person.
For instance, my schoolmates are planning on a reunion. Reunion for being 20. Due to the fact that I am actually far from home, deters me to join, apart from not having Chiam beside me. And 5 years away from all those friends and families can make you crazy. Now I know the benefit of studying locally.
Mom on the other hand will always hoping that I study almost 24/7. But I actually have brain-clot somewhere. I encounter this terrible instance memory loss and I cannot persist long-term memory well enough to stuck all these block lectures in my head. Somewhere in my body or brain is lacking of something. I don't know what it is, that's the main problem. Even now, I always prone to have the family or friends to chat with through Skype so that I won't be that homesick. Deactivating facebook is my long thought decision as to make my family realizes that they have to tune up to Skype to 'see' me from far.
In the other 10 years, when I finally start working for the government, people would think I work for money mostly. Plucking money from the tree, to and fro to the hospital and come back home with sleepless nights, this would be a daily routine. Working hard and tired and almost losing a mind can't never be compensated with a high wage. Mind is always priceless and come prior to get the healthy doctor on duty.
To reflect back, what I think I do is acting like Dr House. The cynical but brilliant fake doctor tonnes have watched over the past 8 seasons if I am not mistaken. Frankly speaking, during pre-med, heck yeah I thought I am almost like Dr House. Even reading the Embryo or glancing at the ATLAS, I finally think that I have somehow surpass the world of dumb to the world of geniuses. But, deep down inside, I only fantasize myself and my surroundings. The more I know, the more I don't know.
At home, the real situation is very upsetting. You will get back wearing the pyjamas, heating up the water to make a cup of coffee for the trillions time for the week, and consume your meals, but then again, it often comes out to me that I become confused on what I should give focus to. Like which topic should I master first, or which subject should I give prior to. Sometimes, in the middle of walking to and fro, in the room, I always stop for a sec and becoming blank of not knowing what to do. It's like muscle stiffness and some cerebellar disease or something.
Books and books are lovely. Soulmates for this journey to begin with. I love my books but are so hard to let the knowledge from them got intact to the memory. Why? Is it because of the food I consume? Is it because I no longer get the 'saint' pure food from home or mom home-made dishes? Maybe. Or maybe because I get rid of the habit of eating raisins and drinking zam-zam water from my daily consumption, just because I cannot get them right here? Probably....but to speak aloud: Where the heck is my brain power?
Answering selanjar 2, isn't as smooth as it was during selanjar 1. I don't know what happened, but what I know is I don't quite get the input from what I studied. This is sad. Is it because I am more prone of believing that I would look stupid after have studied but unable to score the high marks? Maybe because I want to brag about the marks rather that I focus on the knowledge I'd get? It's hard.
I am in the dilemma of getting the right strategy to get back the brain power. How to get all these into the brain. How to remember the pictures in the atlas? How to understand easily the concept of physiology and the names of enzymes in Biochemistry?
The person who I am now, is a person who is not longer the person whom I used to be. I certainly have some problem in the body but I don't know what it is. Hermmm.....the agony...