It has not been a great day, a great week and a great month. Embarking into a new place was exciting, but now it's not exciting as it was before. Sorry that I might seem not to be thankful but I have been more prone to remember of the past. I am just a person who is hard to let go of things; what more the things I have develop love with.
In a flash, without I am realising, selanjar 3/continuous assessment 3 is looming any minute with 4 big topics to cover. Still, the mood to start doing something has decelerated. Maybe, at one point, there's time you will feel bloody tired and exhausted to continue. I have been trying to tell myself and preach myself telling that I must do these for the sake of Allah, but I guess, I am failing.
Mom and dad would be very disappointed knowing that I am not actually very happy living here. Well, not to the optimum. I mean life has been repeatedly about studying and to pass the first year. Every time it feels amazing to let to learn new things, to discover how organs work, to know how to handle emergency aids and such; but I don't know why I feel life is lacking of boost.
I have been looking through the photos of Puncak Alam quite a number of times. I felt free back then, with my K770i. It was a big mistake to have been traded that cybershot phone with a lousy Xperia X8. Nak smart phone sangatkan?! Ni lah padahnya!...but I shouldn't complain much since K770i was really broken by the time I was about to come to Belgaum; and that's why I got the new X8.
At University, I should have more friends and cliques. Yes, I do have them here; but I am just too greedy and stubborn for wanting to have the similar friends I had before. You see, the only person I feel free to do anything with is my room mate. But, I can't just rely on one person. I want to have groups of friends. Oh why am I being so demanding?
Looking through photos of my ex-schoolmate; I envy how close their friendship is. Their still photos show everything off. It was just lovely and lively! I would want photos like that, said my heart. Sadly, would I get that with this pathetic situation I am enduring with now?
I do have friends and I bragged a lot about having friends in Russia, in USA, in Palam, in Indonesia and in Egypt; but I don't cherish them. They are just mere people I used to know; used to study with, used to talk a little with and this is just bad. I know I should not feel down just because I am lacking that feeling of having friends around because Allah is the only Entity that I must seek for.
Somehow or rather, deep down inside, I am still a mere human. A human who needs a companion. But I am a human who rarely succeeded in achieving close contact and relationship with people. More often I ruined them; just like what I did a couple of days before. Being a leader who is hatred by some people is such a devastating occurrence. And it was all my fault for not being clever and wise enough to handle a small matter ; rather I made things complicated.
You know the feeling when, seeing others got calls from their friends at Malaysia, far away from here, make me envy, a lot frankly saying. Even sending people postcards and not receiving not at least one from the people I love is sad. It's awkward when seeing colleagues here receiving postcards from their friends, receiving visits and all. And when I don't get any of them; I just feel like am I the only one who still consider these people I know as friends?
I never had best friends. Even if I had one; GOD has taken her away; very far. I miss her. Maybe it's because I am not friendly, not kind and not fun that I am feeling so lonely in this world of loneliness? Perhaps so? Even family members are too busy to attend me, what more with friends that I must seek for?
Okay then, so books and dear books; would you please dearly have some 'great' time with me? I won't do you harm but I bet you would.
O ALLAH The Most Merciful, I only seek knowledge through YOU; since only YOU could give me the knowledge.