The Entity

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Kajang, Selangor, Malaysia
Assalamualaikum. Writing all the way from Belgaum, Karnataka, India. Missing Malaysia so much. But everything is just perfectly fine here. India makes people not just live, but SURVIVE. :)

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Sunday, 30 January 2011

maafkan saya

I apologize deeply for making you people expecting a lot from me. I apologize for not performing better for this year. Something change in me this year. Perhaps my brain is no longer like before. Perhaps I have been bad to people that all these coming backfired at me like every single time. Sudah jatuh, ditimpa pula tangga.Aduh sakitnya!

I feel sorry for mom and dad. They have been my greatest listener to all my whining, to all my muttering about these and thats that didn't satisfy me. I kept burdening and making inflammations in their ears for complaining about how bad I have been and how pathetically I have done in my previous test 1. I want to make a correction to the previous mistakes I have done, but the more I tried, the more worse it becomes.

Last year, I was too bad forcing them to let me having what I wanna pursue. This year, Allah showed HIS POWER by putting me in this condition whereby everything I did nothing seems working. Astaghfirullahalazim. I repented. I regret for the things and troubles I caused my parents to deal up with. I am so ashamed of myself. I should have think wisely and I should have not been so selfish.

Another problem rises after the other. I have this misunderstanding with my roommate at college. And it all happened due to the fact that I switched off her morning alarm, because they kept ringing non-stop, and she didn't wake up for GOD SAKE! I who wish for a peace night, couldn't find any peace because of her unstoppable alarm so I went to her side, and just switch off the damn alarm. I can't get it why she has to set alarms every hour starting the moment she went to bed. Do you think you can wake up in an hour after dozing off at night? Have your rest well and if you wish to wake up early, don't ever think that you can wake up at 2 am, if you went to bed at 12 am? That's crazy. I am so annoyed of this person, so we have this cold war, and couldn't speak to each other for the moment. Whatever.

Seeing how my comrades excel so well in the test 1 scares me. When they ask how did I do, and I told them what EXACTLY I got for the papers, I could see the faces of disappointment. Words of advices pouring into my ear, but I am afraid, like so afraid that I couldn't do good after this. I am so sick of working hard but lacking the luckiness. I am sick of becoming weak at everything. I tried to console myself, that everything has it's silver lining. And that probably the least I can think of. Mom kept reminding me of one suratul Baqarah from the Holy Quran, which said that one thing that you hated the most might be the best thing that ever happened to you. And also, the thing you loved the most, could be the worst thing for you. Above all, seek Allah for guidance, for HE knows best. Astaghfirullahalzim. 

Mom, told me to be strong like Prophet Ayoub. Who stands still beside Allah. Praying day and night. Diligently obligate to Allah. He had once become rich and healthy. In a sudden, Allah tested his strength by taking away all that he had. Allah tested him again, with a disease that make him weaker. Then, came the devils, whispering awful things to him. Telling him to follow them instead praying hard for Allah's forgiveness. But, days after days, week after weeks, and later years by years, Prophet Ayoub A.S still confident that Allah is The One the Almighty One that he had to serve for. He never missed his prayers and so, His prayers were answered by Allah S.W.T. Allah blessed him with more wealth and prosperous health. 

The test I am enduring perhaps not as tough as what Prophet Ayoub A.S encountered. I must not be weak and rendering myself useless. I must stand up straight and walk and run if I can for the better way and better days. I should have been stronger after these weakening events. I should have been struggling harder both in my obligations towards ALLAH the Greatest and also towards the studies that I have to brushing up at. 

>>>p/s: Pray for strength rather than having good events. Because everything has it's own thorns, don't let get yourself hurt<<<


Calvin Charles said...

Hi there, Dayana. I feel so sad and guilty after read your latest entry. This entry shows that you have so many conflicts and you are very hardworking. Dayana, I always asked how much did you get for your paper. I am sorry. So sorry. I should've never judge a book by its cover. I hope you always pray to Allah. Paling penting kawanku, TAWAKAL! Again I am so sorry. Tak sangke u ade bnyak masalah. Cheer up. In the future, I think there'll be a bright future waiting for us!

Fahmi Faisal said...


Tough times don't last long but tough people do and they leave wonders to the other people.

dayanaazhar:) said...

calvin: yup. my problems appear one after the other, unstoppable with reasons that I have to seek for. I don't blame you for asking, because you as a friend always have the curiosity to know what I did and all. Yeah, hopefully I could revamp into a better person and be better and change. Hoping high for bright future, but not going to expect so much.

fahmi: thanks for the words of wisdom. just need time to heal from the pain of failure. insyaAllah if I can't be good at any of these, perhaps at least I can bring wonders to my nearest comrades.