Proposal

Assalamualaikum.

Being a girl, or a lady or a woman is already tough enough. Sometimes, I don't even know what I am thinking about, never thinking simple, always go for the complex things. I hate that. In my life, I only had one brother. A young brother, who is now 19 years old. I adore him from the start because he is always the calmest and always the one who speak less, and never is demanding in whatever he wants. Not very ambitious side of him is the most I like about my brother. And also the fact that he looks older than me. That's the yey part!

Now in college, and already in the adolescent phase of human girth and growing process, I see a lot of things as more complex as it is. I don't quite have best friends, and let me tell you that most of the time, only Guy friends called me via the phone. I have girlfriends, but we rarely contact. Somehow or rather, I treat my guy friends unequally. Some of them I can like be myself, talk non stop to them, like nothing to worry, but some of the others, I tried to become timid, silent and just talk what is necessary. 

 

One day, when a guy friend, posted a wallpost on FB, joking around telling me he saw me danced while he was watching a Hindustan movie, freaked the hell out of me. How did I take care of my ikhtilat? I mean I perhaps had reacted too exaggerating over the all the phone calls. What I wanna do is to just stay away from some of jahiliyyah that I miss out on counting. Astaghfirullahalazim.

On the contrary, being a 20-year old also denotes another phase towards finding your soul partner. How does it feels to have friends who all the way talking about who they like, who they hooked up with and you guys just laugh over it? It feels okay. But when the moment, I say it again almost all your friends suddenly came to you and said, "D, that guy proposed me! or D, you know what happened? That guy proposed me in the cafe, and D, that guy proposed me while we went for hiking the other day". That moment you know, something wrong is going on with you. 

To be frank, I hate talking about marriage, because all I see is, that phase is soooo farrrr away. Hearing your asasian friend, who already engaged, also wrecked me inside. I don't know why. But it's a girl thing inside or hormonal cause, that made you feel bad. Ain't you not pretty enough? Not good enough? Hahaha. All those came from shaithon after I realized. But seriously, planning things with your friends, to travel and saving money etc, and suddenly they paused, and said to me that they are saving up to their nikah, wrecking me even more. This is insane. 

Is it okay if I tell you that I feel alone after all my best friends, the girls, are already on their one step further for engulfing in the world of marriage while I am here, still like a kid, thinking it's not important yet to think about marriage? 

True, after all these while, I kind of stand still to a saying of my roommate; whereby she said to me, Nevermind, D, Allah is taking care of you. That is why. So, after all I am a muslim. And in Islam everything is in the hands of Allah. Even Jodoh is in his hands, so is Death. But I realized that Death is nearer. Probably I die even before I can find for my zauj. Everything can happen in a split second. Readiness towards death, sakaratul maut is therefore more important that anything in this world. 

Muwasofat tarbiyah isn't yet complete? How to reach baitul muslim.

Feeling left out, but I know Allah knows the best for me.

>>p/s: So, Dayana Azhar, chins up, and keep calm because death is awaiting you. And just be prepared for it, for true happiness is not about finding a soulmate but to be in Jannah; eternal happiness. TEHEE :D<<

Uneasy

Uneasy is almost like the feeling of difficult. Like how I tried to post a blog in my small screen xperia while on bed.

Uneasy when the body is trying so,hard to cope with Belgaum's summer. Living in the new hostel, where the surrounding is so much different than previous NRI, where there's lush of greeneries with birds chirping every morning, with shades the trees provide; just so nice to prevent us to get direct harmful UV rays; especially on SUMMER.

Uneasy when there's a person who,kept asking about my motive of life. My matlamat hidup. Because after being a khalifah and abid for almost 21 years, there's still a shimmer. Answering such difficult question with motive of life is akhirat, the life after death is cliche', but that's all I have in mind. To da'wah, subhanallah what a heavy task. I still have countless flaws that when I tried reflecting myself in front of the mirror; I see a sinner. How could I be that magnet of Islam? Attracting people who mostly are hard like metals?

But to count our flaws and say to correct them first before working to da'wah is also not right. What if I died before completing to improve myself? Then, what could I answer in my tiny grave, what have I done and contribute in the road of da'wah?

So uneasy, many sleepless nights.

To make or not to bake

I really fond of baking. And 99.9% of you must be superbly annoying reading this, about a girl who wanna talk about her cooking experience. Come on! Stop this trend already! Where girls post "Hey look guys! I bake muffins today. They got blueberry jam in them"

I am getting tired of this technology era. Where we are more fond to tell people what we are doing. I don't mind the act of sharing ideas, sharing opinions and perspective. But telling everyone what you are wearing today for an instance is such a loser attempt. Sorry if you feel that I am talking to you. Truth is, I am pointing this to myself.

Perhaps, if we reduce some time telling most of the people we don't even have connection in real life, about where did we go; like in 4square; or telling what we eat and post a picture in Instagram; we could actually do something more useful. Like cleaning up the house, doing the laundry, composing a nice short story, take your cat for a shower hahaha. Sort of things. As for me, if I could just been away from all those eagerness to be open to public, I could have finish reading all my topic for Fracture in Orthopaedic block. 

And now, I am really confuse whether to bake a cake or make a caramel pudding. My naqibah's birthday, and I didn't even wish her. Cooking is the only means; since love always start from the tummy and love is the special ingredient to all food. Thus, in my conclusion, I'd say; if you are too shy to convey love through words or gestures. Send them through food. 

>>P/S: technology is already smart enough in making people more stupid to make even small decision by themselves. And people often forget that 99.9% of people they interact with on the line, don't even care for them. Even I am too stupid to fall into that category. <<

Choked till bleed

I must say this school holiday, I mean medschool holiday, had been such an experience to me. Yesterday, after running errands here and there, I basically made a simple lunch of ikan goreng berlada and my friend made pajeri nenas. It was our usual Saturday. Chilling and relaxing, waiting to have lunch together. 

We put all the lauk pauk on the tikar, as if it were at some park, and we were about to have a picnic. The steamed rice smelled lovely and tempting, hot and juicy. It was basmathi, so yeah, it was luxury. No greens were about to be our meal, but what ever, we had been vegetarian for many days before had the chance to buy meat and fish. 

We sat down, recite the prayer, thanking Allah for the lunch. We were hungry and quickly grabbed the fish and the pineapple. Such simple dish, such delightful taste. It was okay, we were chatting and enjoying the breeze while eating, the breeze of thin wind that came from the big window I have here in the new hostel. 

Suddenly, I felt something cling on my throat. Crap, I knew it. It must be bloody mackerel's bone. I should have separate the bone, but like always, when hunger strike, nothing else is important. I ignored the throat because the pain was still mild and bearable. I continue eating and chatting, till I can no longer swallow. Dysphagia!

"Hazirah, I am choking!!!" I exclaimed

"Oh, Quick, make a bolus out of the rice and swallow it all through!" my friend commanded

Pathetically, I wasn't good at making rice ball because my lunch partner told me to use my palms. I was like what!? I never made such big bolus of rice before, what else to swallow such thing. Basically, I was stubborn.

I tried to make smaller bolus of rice. That's the only way, the easiest way if one would choked on fish bone. After several small bolus of rice, my esophagus is overloaded. Thank God, the bathroom was near, so I ran inside and puke. 

Who won't be surprised if he or she saw blood, fresh red blood came out from the mouth. Even a slight spit was full of blood. 

"Hazirah, I vomit blood!!"

My friend cum lunch partner, who was still eating, stop at an instance. She was shocked. She still ask me to swallow some more bolus of rice. I just couldn't. Too overloaded. I keep wanting to puke. She on the other hand, made her way to our neighbours, asking for help.

Farah our neighbour said, banana would help. Apparently, earlier in the morning, I already made the cekodok pisang batter with all the bananas I had. My friend went upstairs. Saw kak syira, and mentioned that I had vomit blood. 

"Go to EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT THEN!!"she yelled.

While my friend still continue her attempt, asking here and there for banana, I was to and fro, from the bathroom and to the living room where we had our lunch. This time I made once more a bolus of rice. Swallow it, trying hard to swallow it.

I put my finger inside till it touched the throat. As if I was making my own minor surgery to pull the bone out. I remembered one episode in grey's anatomy whereby one patient swallowed a bunched of keys, and they had to use some robot device to pull the keys out. I was thinking to have the same procedure too. Too much imagination once you were panicked. But it was all vain. All I feel was an urge to puke. And yes this time a major PUKE.

Blood, fresh and red mixed together with chyme landed in the toilet bowl. Guess what??

I saw the bloody, mackerel's bone together with it. And yes, nothing was felt clinging to my throat. I am alive !!

But it was still hurt, my esophagus must have swelled somehow and inflammed. I felt hard to speak for some time. I tried to call out for Hazirah. Then I saw her coming, I told her I am okay. 

She breathed deep in relieved. I smiled. And all she could say was: "See! I told you to bolus of rice would work!"

>>p/s: Berhenti sebelum kenyang. Mana tau boleh mati sebab tercekik kan? Ajal tu tak kira tempat, tak kira masa, tak kira sebab<<

make friends

Hai semua. Bila anda nampak saya tulis blog selang 2 hari macam ni, bermaksud tgh stress. Alhamdulillah, Allah bagi penulisan blog ni as a way for me to reduce stress. Tak tahu la in case of you all but it works for me. But it turns stressful bila Internet buat hal. Lagi-lagi bila dah bayar mahal.

At home, in Malaysia, Internet line is sponsored by my dear papa. When the line has a problem, due to connectivity, everyone in the family will start asking Papa to correct it, to make the line better. I miss you papa. You always have been there for all of us. Especially you always there for me. This spoil brat of yours. *cry*

So, now I am in 2nd year, of my University life. I just wanna tell you kids, that how important it is to make friends while you are been accepted in university, or college. Be nice, and be good to every one. Don't make fight. Don't make others see how hatred and despicable you are. Don't boast. So many don'ts. And just be yourself. Express yourself. And be humble. Because no one like a snobbish person.

Especially when you are in an abroad university, doesn't matter it be an Asian continent, the European or the States, or Africa : just make sure you have tonnes of friends. Friends that could help you study, friends that could accompany you to shop, to the hospital, to eat and stuff you as a youngster wanna do. More important is, to find friends that could lead you to the sirathal mustaqim. To advice you, to listen to you and to make you remember of THE all  mighty Allah.

Just make sure, you have those cliques that will bring you joy so you won't feel so alone. So missed out. Don't be a loner. In what ever you do, find people to make you feel like family, but the first thing first is to always make sure you yourself is a perfect fit for them all. And when holidays strike, save money so that you can hop in to a gate away. 

It's always nice to go away from your room for a while especially for a sweet escape. Explore world. Explore more things. Enjoy life, but remember never stay astray; because it is YOLT; You Only Live Twice. Once here and once in the hereafter. 

Ujian

hai semua, pe khabar? sihat? 

betul bila orang cakap, when we wake up early, rezeki itu lebih berkat. for the first time, since study week yang 2 minggu, my roommate and I woke early. Woke up early means we didn't return to dream land after subuh prayer. 

All these while, procrastination is all there is. Bangun lambat dengan dalih dan alasan semalam dah tidur lambat, study till 1 am (baq ang!) . Hanya Allah sahaja tahu betapa banyak dan berkatnya study sampai 1 pagi. Hmm

Anyhow, this morning, after reciting Al Kahf and Al Mathurat, I straight away prepare the ingredient for my morning breakfast. Ate 2 bananas and a cup of hot milo, as a pre breakfast meal. I was very hungry as you can see. Took my hot shower, do my Dhuha and straight away to the kitchen and chopping and cooking. 

It was just a plain fried rice but it was so nice, and now everything is finished. Sebutir beras pun takdak! Nikmat kan makan makanan yang sedikit:) My roommate promised to make nasi lemak for dinner. Can't wait! Hungry already now!

Then what else to do, then to study. Just two days left actually. I don't actually know how much did I complete revising all the 4 blocks. They were all big blocks and to be covered wholly in 2 freaking weeks, God knows how hard it is. 

Year 2 is freaking hard and so frustrating yet so interesting. The year where I learn a lot about disease but then again the previous first year's topic of physiology and embrylogy are again being touched and emphasized. My concern is with all papers now. MCQ, SEQ, OSPE etc. Seeing End block result can already make me faint. Now hoping for goodness for my selanjar 1. 

My seniors, mostly failed last year. Prof KJ was furious. I just pray that my batch won't be repeating that disaster. Amin. But the goodness is in the hands of the Al Mighty. Pray hard now. Not much time to do all the readings. May all that we learn be returned to us. For all these knowledge is Allah's belongings. No way we can know it all. 

Photos, or diaphragms of histopathology are making me insane. All I see is the same either it be laden macrophage, giant cells, langhan cells. Just need to practise more on how to become a visual learner. Even though visual learners are usually been gifted with that capability. All the best to me, to my friends here and at USMKK. 

It was alright. It is not the first OSCE I have done but it is just jammed between two other exams so it was stressful. Take deep breaths. Practice before hand. Especially verbalizing your actions. This is stuff you have done before. Just do that and you'll be okay. -Tom of the Medical State of Mind

ONE WORD: TAKUT.

FINN

Pemuda-pemudi, sedarlah

Sampai bila lagi kita perlu hanyut dengan nikmat dunia yg fana?? Teguhkah sudah tugu iman dalam diri??